Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion When your child is rubbing an adult the wrong way

I think the nuance we encourage in our children is distinguishing respect from obedience or agreement. One shows respect by listening attentively (that would be with one's whole body). One shows respect to adults on the basis of their humanity and their roles, even if it is sometimes difficult to respect this particular specimen. One shows respect by attempting to understand others. Sometimes one even shows respect by obeying directions one does not agree with, as long as they do not violate one's own deeply held principles, or pose a safety hazard. Part of showing respect is gently voicing disagreements with an attitude of understanding the other party's perspective, not in an adversarial manner.

Very diplomatically said aeh! I definitely encourage my kids to question authority if necessary They're here to learn and grow and enjoy, not blindly follow orders. If they think something's wrong I want to hear about it! I think we may quietly be a bit of a rabble-rousing family in a polite, respectful way

Anywho, OP, I don't think from your description that your DS is any different to other boys i've seen in general activities and IMO it's the leader that needs a big attitude adjustment. They're in the wrong position if they can't handle a smarty pants kid or two. Tell them to pull their head in and stop being such a sook! (See, rabble-rousing)
In my DD's Girl Guides group there's a really annoying girl who's always making trouble, being smart, pinching things, wrecking things, making other girls cry etc etc. Annoying, but I in no way expect her to be kicked out. That is extreme.
I think maybe it's a bit unfair for your DS to be yelled at about behavior that's acceptable everywhere else except in this activity. He'll get the gist about what people will and won't put up with as he goes, he doesn't have to figure it all out at once right here and now because of one person:)

Blind obedience is dangerous! In this particular case, maybe just explaining the whole "different situation, different rules" would help? Another thing that we try to do here is explain that it's a really important life skill to just let things go, sometimes. That's not easy for kids who really want things fair and accurate! But it is necessary for the sanity of all involved.

When I work with children, something comes up frequently: stories in which they were wrongly accused (and punished) for something. It's very confusing and upsetting for kids. I understand a six-year-old needing to set the record straight, even though this situation wasn't so important from an adult perspective.

Why couldn't the adult in charge just say, "noted," or something to that effect, and move on? And maybe speak privately later about it being distracting/disruptive to have unwelcome comments during the activity?

Bright children are likely to be receptive to a conversation about how unwelcome behaviors affect the group as a whole, or cause the leader to feel frustrated. It doesn't seem like a respect issue, but more a matter of a six-year-old being somewhat egocentric and failing to take the other perspective. Developmentally appropriate, IMO, but maybe you can use his smarts to help him understand being flexible to different expectations and personalities.

For fun, I decided to run this scenario past my two DC.

Both kids said the child was just trying to explain himself, and not being disrespectful on purpose.

DD11 says: He should just say I'm sorry and sit down and never correct an adult because adults don't like to be wrong.

DS12 says: He shouldn't try to explain himself and should just shut up.

As an aside, reading my above post, DS said "because teachers don't act like that" in re: my question about why the adult couldn't just easily move on.

He also is perplexed by the flashing envelope, even though I have no new PMs.

Thought it would be fun to share a kid perspective.

I just have to add as a postscript to this (my kids are having a rough adjustment to the school year, I guess!) I was with my DD's teacher yesterday for another event and she needed to speak to me about a minor behavior issue. Polar opposite approach. She said something like, "Hey, so I'm having X issue with DD in class. It's not really a huge deal, but I don't want it to continue because Y good reason. Do you have any ideas on how to best handle it, or what might be going on?"

That is how you approach something like this when you know what you're doing.


yeah, and maybe we haven't emphasized this enough.

But I do think this is a "bad impression" situation. I mean, we all know it happens. DD had a teacher last year with this reputation. For whatever reason, she was a darling of this teacher and could do no wrong, while other children got a lot of flak. Even she knew that it was sort of unearned.