Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion The library incident

I wanted to add that once my DS ramped up there was no way to talk him down. You HAD to remove him from the situation and give several hours for him to calm down. He honestly didn't even know he was doing it. (And yes lots of homework didn't get turned in the spring of his 6th grade.) What we did work out was a non-threatening phrase I (or his teacher) could say when she started noticing his fretting. I got good at noticing when he would start to spin and fret because part of the problem was he rarely realized he was doing it. I would jump in and just say something like "your starting to get loud". I found that keeping the phrase simple and non confrontational helped. Reminding him of what would happen if it escalated usually made it worse.

The trick is working out when she is calm and rational how you should try and handle when the situation happens in the future that works for you both. Be consistent but know that it will take time. Try to understand that this is not personal and she may have little idea what she is saying once she gets on a rant. And that yes puberty and hormones are probably playing a part but don't tell her that.

As to the "I hate you". I would ignore that when talking to her for the initial conversation. The current conversation needs to be about what you do to PREVENT this type of situation in the future. Don't get stuck on the words she said. Sure in some later conversations you needs to talk about how much those kids of words hurt. Make this about how you can NOT throw screaming fits when you get stuck on a problem.

One thing that surprises me is that my son remembers none of this and he has just turned 12 at the time and is 16 now. It was very dramatic for me and for him at the time. He remembers the social difficulties

I think bluemagic has great advice above. The only thing I see differently is that it helped my daughter to understand that puberty and hormones were playing a part. Not for her to have an excuse of course. Even now, there are times when it is obvious that her disproportionate reaction is hormone related and realizing that is a good thing for her (and us!).

Also, when my daughter had those meltdowns over math we just talked a lot about why that was why we chose to skip, so that she would learn what it was like to struggle and not understand immediately.

The American Girl books on puberty/feelings etc. were a good resource.

My son started social group therapy and the word they use for this kind of "stuck" is rockbrain. Before, he never understood what it was and the problems it caused. Now, it's a code word for unstick. I say "rockbrain" and he understands what he's doing and tries if get it under control.

It has also helped to set a boundary before we go out-- one major boundary is that I won't tolerate public scenes. A scene in public can be unsafe, disruptive to others and just plain embarrassing for the whole family. If there is a public scene, we will leave and when he calms down, he can expect a major consequence

I think for kids who get "stuck" (mine has ADHD) they need to know ahead of time what the expectation is, be cognizant of the kind of thoughts/ behaviors that are warning signs (in this case rockbrain) and have coping skills to stay in control (counting, deep breaths, in my son's case, when possible, he leaves the area for a few minutes).

just a personal experience - although I never melted down (too scared of dear step dad for that!)I did often have very angry outbursts and called my mum all sorts of things. The worst thing for me was that she would engage with me. I was just blowing off steam and she was taking it as a full psychological assault and start her own histrionics. Too this day (I am 40) I don't talk to my mother about emotional issues because it becomes all about her.

I think you need to look at this a s too separate issues. One, potentially a hormonal/coping issue that really is not about you and can probably helped by general parenting tweens advice (I'm not there yet).

Second It sounds like your daughter really is struggling with her perceptions of what she needs to be doing and I think you've been given great advice above re that.

Really though, unless you have immediate concerns about your DD's safety I think you need to be your DD's emotional rock right now and just not buy into the drama. Oh and I'm def with HK on the whole, have your tantrum but don't interfere with others take on it.

I missed this post before. This is VERY familiar to me, like to the letter, although DD is significantly less likely to do this kind of thing in public now. She is a total "rockbrain" at home, though.

I really endorse bluemagic's approach. When DD gets like this, the best/only option is neutrality and calm as much as possible. There is no getting through to her logically. We have to talk about it later. Sometimes removal is VERY difficult (what am I going to do, pick up my 11yo?--and she does NOT care about consequences in the moment). That's the worst. But separation is a good idea. If I have to, I separate myself, as long as it seems safely reasonable.

Oh, and I would not make a big deal about the "you hate me" thing. DD has said the same to me, if it helps (and "I hate you," of course.) I remind her LATER, briefly, that these are hurtful things to say. She is always remorseful...I bet your DD will be, too.

There should be no guilt when your DD says that she hates you - it is obviously emotional manipulation and you should treat it as such. I would tell her casually that it was all right that she hated me or that it was not a problem or even that "I hate myself sometimes too, so it is nothing new!".
I set very high expectations on behavior, especially when out in public places and expect my child to not create problems for others who have a right to conduct their business without being subjected to emotional drama from others. If this happened, it would be the last time that my child would go to a library or a public place to hang out, work etc. The child has to prove to me over a long period of time that they can be trusted to behave without having meltdowns before I take her out to such a setting again.
As for how to defuse the situation when this happens, I would try distraction. That is the only way that I can manage an emotional situation. This behavior may be the result of anxiety, stress, tiredness, hunger etc in addition to the puberty hormones that HK pointed out.

As for the "I hate you" line, my stock response is, "that's alright, you're feeling X because Y. I'll always love you, and nothing you ever do will change that." It's a covert way to succinctly communicate that the underlying emotional need has been heard while reframing the incident around love. In any given incident, it might not be effective at tamping down hysteria but, used consistently, helps with the faux hurt feelings.

As to the hysteria, don't feel that you have to explain or justify yourself in the moment. The rationality train has flown over a cliff at that point. I think of my job during meltdowns as containment, then discipline, then discussion.

You've received a lot of good advice from the trenches, above. Whatever you choose will depend very much on you, your children, and your family system. I'm just going to add that, no matter what strategy you end up using, stick with it for a little bit before deciding that it is ineffective. Children commonly will up the ante when you implement a new strategy. An initial escalation in undesirable behavior may be a test to see if you really mean it. (Whether it's limit-setting, or expressions of unconditional love and affection.) Almost any mediocre approach, consistently applied, will be more effective than the most fabulous technique employed weakly. Don't feel defeated if it seems to get worse before it gets better!

Another thing you can do is in other areas show her it is not a big deal to skip around and come back to something later.

Got a nasty crusted up cooking pan? fill it with soapy water over to the side to soak and wash the rest of the dishes....no big deal to skip around.

Got a stack of mail to look through? ...no big deal to handle the junk mail first, the easy to handle second and the more difficult mail last.

Have a stack of reading to do? You might want to tackle it shorter to longer or by a different order. The order isn't set in stone you can change your mind.

Just because math problems are numbered 1-20 doesn't mean you have to do them in that order.