Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional New to forum, 2E son

Agree

Thank you for your concern about keeping the forum friendly and useful for all; I share that concern.

There was no debate, for I had not taken an opposing view. There was simply request for clarification for statements posted upthread, expression of appreciation when clarification was provided, and agreement. The better resources, as expressed by the article you provided, were subsequently posted to another thread... several minutes prior to ElizabethN's post suggesting I do so.

My posts on this thread seem to be on-topic as:
1) the request for clarification was based on another member's post,
2) the OP is considering ADOS for possible ASD diagnosis; Being aware of the better resources (and reasons why some resources may not be as valuable - or may be more controversial) may become important if an ASD diagnosis is forthcoming.

Indigo, because we were discussing Eco's struggles to get her DS an appropriate education, it does seem apt to locate the neurodiversity/Autism Speaks discussion in another thread.

While the conversation has ranged from commiseration to testing/diagnosis, advocacy efforts, behavior, resources, and use of the forum features... a far-ranging conversation during which I did *not* introduce "neurodiversity/Autism Speaks" but rather sought clarification of your post...

Yes, it appears there are now two threads discussing what information/resources make a helpful outreach -
April is National Autism Awareness Month, created 04/11/2015
and
Neurodiversity, created 04/25/2015

I probably couldn't explain all the weirdness that has made this situation extra difficult to navigate, but I'll give another example (there seem to be way too many). The counselor for the 6-8 students is the MOTHER of one of the core subject teachers; in fact the one I eventually reported to the coordinator for not following the 504 piece about parent communication (I didn't want to--tried to complain generally, but the coordinator insisted on knowing who).

I believe she is probably a really good counselor, and under different circumstances would have been a great help (and may still be, next year).

When I spoke with her a couple of weeks ago, though, she acted like a complete nutcase and was abusive toward me on the phone--contradicting herself, telling me my thinking is distorted if I've felt anything but concern from the teachers (when the teachers were not honest in the 504 meeting--on points of fact, such as whether or not they have common planning time, for instance...and not correcting the coordinator's statement they had all been signing my son's assignment planner, when they had not). I chose not to address those points because it would have felt petty to me and I really just wanted a good plan going forward. When I explained that--she told me that *I* was the one being dishonest, because I wasn't willing to make myself vulnerable in that meeting (huh--what could be more vulnerable?)

She told me I am "consumed" with this, when all I've done this year is come to meetings arranged by others, and write a weekly email, as per 504. In the next breath, she said I need to be an advocate for my son.

She told me I need to get counseling.

The conversation with the counselor was so upsetting, and caused such an enormous amount of cognitive dissonance, that I immediately typed out the conversation and called my therapist (yeah--I have one). My therapist confirmed the conversation was completely inappropriate, bullying.

I guess my point is: I don't think the counselor is going to be my son's biggest supporter. Ha! Except it really isn't funny. I hope I'm wrong.

This program is kind of a thing unto itself, a little bubble in a large high school. The coordinator is only on site PT, the counselor even less. So I don't think there's much reason to hope for a lot of support. My son probably wouldn't seek support anyhow, though, except through his friendships. And the band teacher likes him a lot, so there's that.

Oh yeah--the counselor stated the teachers had gone "above and beyond" for my son. When I asked her in what ways--she had no answer. I said I assumed she didn't mean the 504, since that would not be considered extraordinary, especially when it's not been implemented consistently.

I am pretty sure that may have been what caused the rift. Or at least part of it.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

I'm proud of you for asking, and gently probing, for facts behind the opinions which the counselor shared.

In general, parents may wish to document each encounter. This may be in an advocacy notebook, and contain date, person(s) present (by name and/or tile, role, etc). Much of your documentation you may wish to keep for yourself at home. It is a ready resource to pull facts and information from when needed. You may wish to keep your documentation statements short, factual, unemotional. The teachers' inconsistencies and contradictions are, I think, quite important to document.

From the documentation you prepare, you may choose to send a summary of the meeting or phone call (teleconference). At the end of the summary you may wish to list next steps (as you understand them to be from the encounter). You may also wish to list questions. Sometimes enumerating the items helps ensure each one is answered/addressed.

There is a lot of advocacy information on the forums. The website wrightslaw and the book From Emotions to Advocacy are often helpful.

This old post gives one possible resource for finding an advocate.

This article from the Davidson Database, Finding A School That Fits, has a 2e emphasis and discusses finding an educational consultant.

You may have read this in posts elsewhere on the forums: a crowd-sourced list of meeting tips.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Because this situation is so abusive, I would not hesitate to "report up" the food chain until you get to someone who understands that the school is violating your child's rights. Do keep documenting everything, and be ready to show that documentation to the administrator you find (building principal or district-level) who will listen.

What is the principal like? Or does the coordinator have sole control over this program? Who is responsible for implementation of IEP and 504 plans in this school and in your district? (Some schools have a Coordinator of Instruction or similar, usually reporting to the principal, who deals with those plans.)

Some states have an "office of exceptional children" or a "legal rights service" that will provide free legal or educational advocacy in these situations. It does no harm to place a call to these folks and see what they can do to help you.

You may also want to google your state's department of education and find out who the special ed people are on that level. I have had to call in the state to fix horrid school situations. Sometimes this can be done informally (the state folks make a phone call and suddenly things are better); sometimes it's a written complaint process. This is not a step to take lightly, as it may make enemies locally. Therefore it's not how I like to work. But sometimes it does get a problem solved and it's good to know what all the different forms of recourse look like.


Keep documenting like this. In ink, with dates and times. Print all hostile email and stick it into the binder too. The paper trail helps you demonstrate how badly everyone is behaving when you need to.

Stay so calm in these interactions that everyone can notice that you are the sane one. This can actually be very intimidating to people who are behaving badly-- they expect you to run away.

If you need to, you can ask to record meetings with school personnel. (In many states it is illegal to record people without their permission, so you do have to ask). You can say "I'm finding it hard to take notes; may I use this recorder?" and put it down on the table. Again, can't do it without their consent, but once the recorder is on it can markedly change the atmosphere in the room, as no one is willing to be abusive on the record.


Keep that sardonic wit handy. You may need it again.


This may sound crazy, but I think that in parallel with going up the chain of command you should also talk with the band director and enlist his/her support. You might even be so bold as to ask the band director for suggestions about helping other teachers understand DS. He may even be willing to intercede for DS under some circumstances. At the very least he can be an identified safe haven and a person who can be called in to help DS as needed.

I feel for you. Hang in there.

DeeDee

[quote=DeeDee

Stay so calm in these interactions that everyone can notice that you are the sane one. This can actually be very intimidating to people who are behaving badly-- they expect you to run away. [/quote]

This actually made me laugh out loud--the "sane" thing, which I have been seriously questioning.

It's been suggested to me that the teachers may feel threatened by me, because I have gifted master's and taught in this program, and they are new teachers. It is difficult for me to conceive of anyone finding me threatening--my approach all year has been "I know this is frustrating, please help me crack the code." But there is some nonsense I won't allow to go unchecked. I ignore things like their lack of consistency in following the 504, but address language that is not behavioral/descriptive of my son's behavior and instead assumes an understanding of motivation. i.e., if they say "he doesn't care," I say, "it may seem that way, but it is a skill deficit, not a character or personality issue." It really pushes my buttons when teachers tell me what my child is thinking or feeling--particularly when I don't believe they've bothered asking him. Keep it behavioral, please.

Basically, I think I've approached this all completely upside-down. They are not interested, clearly, in understanding my son and there is nothing I can say that will make them *like* him. So I am letting that go. He has plenty of adults in his life who find him delightful. I went into it with the frame they would be interested in him as a person but I think that is not the case.

It takes a LOT for my son to emote, he is a stoic kind of guy. But he has done a fair bit of crying this year about school, and told me at one point he felt "hated and unwanted." I felt eviscerated but he moved on.

I just heard yesterday, that another friend's child, actually failed the Art class that we're struggling with right now--and was not asked to leave the program. That gives me a little bit of courage.

I am going to print out the emails, etc., as you suggested and create The Binder. It irritates the heck out of me that this might be necessary. I have an acquaintance who is extremely well-versed in advocacy (and is a former teacher, now homeschooling) because of her own son with autism, who has offered to come to meetings with me as my "spunky advocate." I think she will be a powerful resource. I become some overwhelmed in these meetings, when I sense the antipathy toward my child, that I freeze. That, and I'm introverted by nature so need time to process, not good at thinking on my feet.

I'm still stunned by this entire year--I do feel "consumed" but wouldn't any parent, watching her once happy, excellent student, suddenly sucked down the drain? It's somewhat comforting to know that a lot of children struggle with the MS transition, but only somewhat.

Does anyone manage to work full-time while raising one of these children? :P I feel like I need to hire a full-time assistant to help manage all the paperwork and another one to follow my child around so he doesn't lose his shoes!

I will read the Emotions book, immediately. That has probably been the biggest problem. I am more interested in the emotional life of gifted students, generally, than the academic side--which is why I left the program to get counseling master's.

DeeDee: as for your question re: The Principal. There is a building principal at the high school, but the principal over the gifted teachers is in another building. And she is unethical, generally, and was a driving force behind my leaving the program, as well. There was a mass exodus of teachers the year I left. That is one reason my son's three core subject teachers are all brand-new, inexperienced, and under-qualified (provisional gifted certificates). The one who has been there longest is in her third year of teaching. UGH.

Honestly--the entire program is very dysfunctional. OTOH--there is no better option at the moment, particularly since my son feels the social interactions are "worth it" and he loves going to see his friends and playing in the band.