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Dee Dee, I have finally reached full bore Mama Bear, after the nasty email. Not only did I forward it to the coordinator, I also forwarded previous emails from the same teacher that directly contradicted a couple of his claims:

He stated my son had been disruptive all year, when I had emails saying "behavior is good."

He stated my son did not do a huge painting project, which, in fact, my son LOST attempting to bring home to complete...and which we recreated at home. I had two emails stating the project was coming along well and that my son was on task.

(The teacher told me he would accept it late. My son spent many hours on it, and it's beautiful. The teacher gave him 24/300 points. Yes, after telling me he would accept it.)

I also pointed out to the coordinator that I'd asked both this teacher AND the X-acto knife teacher to move my son close to their desks because he has not been on task in class, and neither of them moved him. To me, that is educational malpractice...kid with ADHD, having med issues, mother asks for extremely simple intervention...

But I digress.

Not only did I email the coordinator and forward my "evidence," I used the words document, disability implying I want it on record. I am usually much more conciliatory and empathic but I've had enough of this.

I also cc'd my father, who is an attorney, fact of which coordinator is aware.

The thing is: he has not had proper supports in place to succeed. I feel like I need a clearer picture of how he might fare, with his 504 actually implemented and my having a better understanding of his issues. I think I made that clear in my email.

To everyone, I have read all of your posts very carefully and thank you so much for sharing. I can't figure out how to do the quote thing easily and so I'm spending too much time trying to reply.

It is so good to know the people make it through this muck.

I totally understand. Just wanted to add to my previous posts that for my son things HAVE gotten a lot better for my son. Sixth grade was terrible and you almost wouldn't recognize him now. He is 16 and a sophomore in H.S. and he just got back from a week long spring break trip with his band. That isn't to say he is perfect but as he has matured he has learned to handle his emotions better. I don't have a lot of advice except to hang in there and get the evaluation so you know best how to help him.

Which "autism awareness" campaign(s) have done this?
Or was the press acting counter to the information put forth by the "autism awareness" campaign(s)?

All of what you describe is egregious. I'm glad you're making the principal aware.

Make sure you do this in such a nice tone that you leave them room to turn around and make it right. This is hard (when you are THIS ANGRY) but someone has to act like a grown-up around there, and it's most likely to be you. Calm, measured firmness is your friend.


Perfecto. Mastering the lingo helps them understand the situation in a new light.

Well done, Eco! Keep teaching!

That is so encouraging, thank you! My son's favorite class--and the only class where there've been no "issues" is BAND.

I think the thing I hate the most about all of this is how frustrated it's made me with my child, even knowing that so much of what's going on is beyond his control at this point. He has been entirely clueless about everything. When I talk to him about how his teachers perceive him, he looks so confused, and hurt.

It's awful when the adults seem to view the child as a "jerk" instead of having some empathy for his predicament, which I've done my best to communicate. I feel like I've been beat up this year.

We were so fortunate in his elementary school. Wonderful teachers, he bonded with all of them (except one). He is actually a very relational person and needs to connect with his teachers to feel safe. One of his math teacher's complaints this year has been that he "approaches her to have non-math related conversations." I mean--what do I even say to THAT? When I taught, those sorts of conversations were the best part of teaching. I feel like they ought to give some sort of empathy assessment to teachers and have a cut-off score, before they are allowed to damage our children.

Autism Speaks routinely puts out advertising with this message.

Poor sweetie.

It is very hard to go around in the world and have people mad at you all the time and not know why. VERY hard. He may feel rotten about himself (unjustly).

I spend a lot of time teaching our teachers to simply be more informative with DS so that learning can take place. That is, for them to tell DS explicitly and calmly what other kids can infer. "When you do X it bothers the class; I need you to do Y." "When I say 'we are on page 42' I mean 'turn to page 42'."

They have a hard time with this (because "he's so smart he should know")-- but it's an important intervention.


Yes-- you can be the one who is left holding a lot of rotten feelings. If you can, do something nice for yourself.

I have tried so hard to have this conversation. When they have said he needs to be kind and supportive toward other students, I've asked for specific, concrete examples of how he could demonstrate this--or how what, specifically, he needs NOT to do. I've explained that he doesn't understand when I use vague terms. They can't even tell *me* what they mean, so where to begin?

He got in big trouble for making a joke about a classmate "not getting the point" when the math teacher was teaching about coordinate planes--points on a graph--he was being punny, in his mind. It was perceived as bullying.

It took days to get to the bottom of this. Finally, when I explained to my son that the reason he was in trouble was because the joke was at someone else's expense, he understood: "So, if I had said *I* don't get the point, it would have been funny?" Yes, dear. He had thought all along he was in trouble because the teacher didn't get his joke and didn't think it was funny--which struck him as unjust and made him angry (which seems to be his go-to emotion in these cases).

He is pretty thick-skinned and doesn't get his feelings hurt easily--I guess I should be grateful for that, because it protects him. OTOH, *I* get my feelings hurt, profoundly, on his behalf. I guess I need to toughen up. Hard to do. I am a counselor and work with kids (many of whom have diagnoses) and adults, helping them with emotional issues. So I have a pretty high awareness of how hurt people can be and the damage that's done in school for kids who march to their own drum beat.

I do know that my child is still emotionally intact, thank goodness, since we speak that language at home all the time. He told me the other day that I am the only one he really trusts, because he knows that I would never intentionally hurt him.

I want school to be a safe place for my child.

I hear you and empathize.

My go-to is to keep trying to get the most important players at school to understand. If the teachers won't change, the administration and/or district special ed director must be involved to insist on change and appropriate placements for next year. Perhaps the neuropsych will be willing to come to a school meeting and explain things-- we have found this to be a useful strategy.

The neuropsych should at least certainly put in their report very detailed recommendations for what the school plan should include. Sometimes having it in writing from a specialist helps school to understand.

Yes, one does toughen up as a parent in this business. I fix what I can, I do not allow abusive behavior from teachers, and I teach DS as much as I can about how to not make mistakes twice. At the same time, a lot of this experience is going to produce learning for him. I think that a person with interesting wiring does have to adapt a lot in order to function in the world--I do not believe that this kind of learning has to be unpleasant, but we've all had unpleasant learning in our lives. I do not excuse ANY of what that school is doing to your DS-- highly inappropriate and must be stopped-- but if you keep working on making school appropriate while also informing your DS on how to respond better, I believe this learning can be important for his eventual success. That is a highly calloused viewpoint, but it's where I've gotten to after 10 years in the special ed biz.

I do talk with DS about advocating for himself, as well-- that is an ongoing conversation. He is learning to solve problems politely, ask people what they mean when he might have misunderstood, keep himself in check rather than flipping out, etc. Ultimately, these are good survival skills.