Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion to conform or not to conform

Ivy - thanks for a super contribution on the "thought-provoking" front.

WELL stated, Ivy. My thanks for your post, as well. It's such a hard position to be in, as a parent.

I never thought he could be manipulating the situation but now I'm wondering if he could be??? Have I taught him that? More thought provoking issues to ponder lol. Thanks Ivy. Just kidding...but I think you may be on to something I never thought about.

On the challenge of respecting the teacher:

One of the conversations I often have with my secondary students is about how one cannot allow the personal conflict between you and the person in front of you at this point in time to interfere with reaching your own long-term goals. We talk about how, if you feel like this teacher is overly harsh, or out to get you, attacking them first, or reacting with defiance or disrespect, is not going to help you get to the place you want to be, where you'll be looking back at your time with them in the rear-view mirror. What is going to be more functional for your big picture? The short-term gratification of bucking a difficult teacher or peer, or defying their low expectations of you by becoming a successful, whole human being?

One doesn't have to like or respect this teacher, administrator, or peer, but it is in one's own best interest not to allow personal feeling to become an obstacle to one's own life goals.

Another conversation regards distinguishing between respect for the role/office (teacher, principal, president, etc.), and respect for the person inhabiting the role.

And, finally, my personal belief is that there is something worthy of respect, or, minimally, sympathy, in every person. With my own children, I try to convey the complexity and contradiction of humans--not so easily categorized as "good guys" or "bad guys". And even if one finds it challenging to locate a spark of virtue in a particular person, one can always mourn the lost child.

I love Aeh's post.

Conforming is a passive position and choosing to manage a situation is an active one. Finding a strategy to manage with this teacher is a more active way to view the problem that might leave you feeling more empowered, even if the reality remains. If you and your son discuss ways of managing that involve respecting the position, if not the person, he might rise to the challenge of simply getting through the day without drama. The next step is to get through the day without drama and having my learning needs met to a degree. He is still "manipulating" the situation but in a more positive way.

Did I read on one of the threads that this teacher has a child with ADHD? Sorry, there are a few threads going. If so, do you think she is projecting her anxiety about her own child onto yours?

Cola, even if your DS is, it doesn't mean there's not a problem or a mismatch with the teacher as well. Forgetting about your kid is not OK, no matter what. Baseline, the teacher needs to treat all children in her class with the same care and authority, even if they are all different, even if she doesn't like some of them (I don't like some kids I run across either -- doesn't mean they need to know that).

And I think we have to be careful that 'manipulation' in this sense isn't necessarily deliberate or delinquent. It's more "trying to change the environment is order to a) try to get some result or b) try to avoid something that may be unconscious (fear/anxiety/etc.)." The problem is that while it works with some people (parents!) it doesn't work with everyone and it's not the best way to operate.

Everyone can tell I've been reading "The Manipulative Child" right? And not a moment too soon for our household.

HI NDW, yes she has a young daughter whom has been on medicating since age 4 for ADHD. We are choosing a "non traditional" route at first for our son regarding his ADHD diagnosis. She is rather upset we did not go straight to medication, I don't know if in an effort to validate her personal choice with her child or not. But why she even decided to begin talking to us about how well medication worked with her young child is beyond me. We never asked her she started going on. This whole situation is just messed up....it's hard enough I'm a HSP but throw mama bear in there and now I'm royally messing my head up lol.

Manipulation can be conscious or unconscious and not value laden, its how we interact with the world. From the time a baby is born it uses its few available tools to manipulate its environment, from crying for attention to smiling for attention. We might wear a business suit to an interview or meeting to appear professional, in that sense we manipulate our image, its not a bad thing and is actually expected.

So if we accept that all parties in this situation are manipulating it, consciously or unconsciously, we need to better understand what is driving each person's behaviour.

Which brings me to my question about the teacher and her child with ADHD. Consider the following emotionally charged imaginary scenario.

You are the teacher with your professional knowledge and a child of your own who you think is similar to the one in front of you. You offer your excellent "been there done that" advice and the parent rejects it. Then the parent tries to tell you how to do your job. You know your job and you know what that child needs which is to be medicated like your child...because if you have made that decision it must be the right one. If the parent is not medicating their child, then they must be wrong mustn't they. It couldn't be that you have made a mistake or done the wrong thing (and they haven't they are just second guessing themselves because someone else is doing something different). In order to show I have done the right thing by my child I will constantly point out the ways that ignoring my advice is negatively impacting this other child in school. Maybe then the parents will see the error of their ways. But wait, now the parent is garnering an army of people who are all against me. This is so unfair.......And so on.

You can write that scenario a whole host of ways emphasising the frustration and anger the teacher is feeling about her inability to get what she thinks is the right response which is for you to do what she says. And now not only is the parent ignoring me, the school is ignoring me and the child is ignoring me. Powerless and angry the teacher fights back in small ways to try and wrest control of the situation.

Whatever is driving the teacher, you and your son have ended up in a power struggle and at the moment everyone is losing. That doesn't mean you were wrong to advocate, not at all. It doesn't mean it is ok that your child is being treated this way. But if you want to stay at that school and your child wants to stay in that class, you have to find a way back from the brink and negate the power struggle that exists.

Think hard about any times you have had a positive response from this teacher. Any situations when you have been able to validate her as a teacher or a mother? Have you any common ground to work from? You do, the fact that you are both in the difficult position of raising kids with challenges.

Is there any chance you can go to her in a conciliatory way and seek advice or assistance or just reset the conversation. There may not be but you are going to need to find some connection or place to start so you can work with her.

It is not wrong or giving in or conforming to alter the way you feel or respond to a situation in order to improve it. To be able to change is to be powerful. Wars have started because of people being so wedded to their position and their hurt, which is genuine, that they can't find a way to the bigger goal.

You have nothing to lose as the current situation is clearly not working.

Remember I am not in your position and I am not trying to diminish how awful it is. I am just looking as broadly as I can at it knowing I have been where you are recently and I had to stop so I did not end up at the foot of the cliff.

I do wish you the best.

I used to think I would never parent with "Because I said so." Then I had my DD, and well...

I don't use those exact words, but I often say something like, "I am am adult and have the benefit of many years of experience living in the world that you do not. Based on that life experience, I have wisdom that you do not. I have made a decision. And this is the end of the discussion."

It's important to remember that some kids (not all) find arguing and conflict to be interesting and reinforcing for odd reasons that are not productive.

BTW, I specifically use that argument because I think DD deduced long ago that she is smarter than many adults around her, possibly including me. This can be a destabilizing thing for a child to realize. However, what cannot be denied is that I and the other adults around her have more life experience than she does. She is, again, smart enough to know this is true.