Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Behavior issues and boredom

This is just my point of veiw.

Most kids pick up social skills by themselves. If your child hasn't then leaving him in school to help him develop them is not going to help. He needs more and different help the same as s struggling reader needs more and different instruction.

I spent 10 years at school and my social skills weren't improved by being just expected to learn by osmosis.

Puffin, my hope is that the school would specifically work with him. They have said repeatedly that the counselor would work with him, but we can't get it as a specific goal because they say he isn't eligible for an IEP (again, I know this isn't necessarily true). He also has friends at school.

Unfortunately, due to our specific circumstances, it is very difficult to set up social interactions if we homeschool (I know this isn't true for many homeschoolers).

However, I don't think the school has actually been doing very much and we may just have to be creative in finding ways to do more at home.

Peers may not be the best people to have as tutors for social skills, in the first place.

Honestly, that has always mystified me a bit-- the notion that kids learn those skills "best" at the tender mercies of their age-mates and peers.

Logically, that makes no sense at all to me. While I agree that children with social skills deficits may find adults preferable to their peers, since adults are adaptive in ways that children are not-- just like puffin's reading analogy, isn't that actually a good thing with respect to children who struggle to learn those things?

Adults can be capable of scaffolding the development of those skills, and not just punitive re: the lack thereof.

apm, if the school hasn't been following through on their promises thus far, my guess is that they won't. Not unless you do have an IEP that says that they have to introduce particular interventions and measure outcomes.

At least if you are in charge, you'll have the ability to intervene during those hours of the day that are currently "lost" to this area of skills development, right?

I'm not so sure that parents can't be the ones teaching such skills. After all, most of his social interactions will be with you anyway. I guess a lot depends upon personality, but shifting your own parenting style to one which gently pushes rather than compensates perfectly-- at least in theory, that should be better than the current situation, yes?

Totally agree. What I'm talking about is that IME an appropriate education for kids with social-skills delays involves direct instruction, from adults, that builds these skills in the settings where the skills are needed.

So much of adult life is learning to sit in meetings and contribute productively to teams and so forth. One needs to know how to engage with peers at least some of the time. This is a teachable skill-- not teachable by the peers, (trial and error, ugh)-- but teachable by adults in the school setting.


Yep. IEP would be useful and necessary for getting the actual instruction implemented. We also needed an advocate to get this into place-- school dragged its feet. We are still, overall, happy that we kept DS12 in school.

In a properly-run social skills intervention, there should be a skilled coach/instructor(s) (i.e., adult), skilled peers (models), and reinforcing natural environments (adults, peers, and systems). Ideally, one wants a combination of direct in vitro instruction and facilitated in vivo practice, transitioning to independent in vivo practice, reinforced by natural environments.

This is why growing up with skilled and involved adult caregivers (e.g., parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, close-knit neighbors) and mixed-age peers (e.g., siblings, cousins, neighbors) is so effective.

I would contend that parents ought to be the ones teaching social skills, and that the history of humanity suggests that parents have been net more effective than third-party professionals.

We do, however, have to be reflective about our own social and familial experiences, observant about our children's individual profiles, and intentional about the values, habits, and attitudes inculcated into them.

I firmly believe that corporate culture is driven top down. And if the executive management doesn't have a clear vision of their corporate culture then they get whatever mob-rule culture that just happens.

Or to translate, school culture (both social and academic) is driven by the principal down through the teachers and staff. If they don't put cultural norms and goals into place, they get Lord of the Flies on the playground and Banana Republics in the classroom.

It's always worthwhile examining what the school's goals for social culture are -- if any -- because that's what your kid will experience. DDs first school's goal for socialization was "don't be different, suppress who you are to get along."

If the school's goal is different from your goal for your child, then you aren't going to be able to change that experience. Just like if the CEO thinks that 'dog eat dog' is the best way to run a company, that's what you'll experience working there. No amount of deciding you'll run things differently (differentiation), complaining (advocacy), and yoga and therapy on the side (afterschooling) is going to change that.

Of course they should. And do. And yet, I would contend that there are some particular skills that it is hard to teach within the home, by parents alone. Negotiating in a team of peers, for instance (if one does not happen to have half a dozen siblings). Getting attention in appropriate ways when one is in a large meeting.

For some kids, it really does take a village.

I am not against homeschooling in principle, but it would not have worked for our family, and the OP said s/he doesn't feel s/he can homeschool successfully-- I think that it's important to affirm that this is OK and that there exist more than one solution to the challenges OP faces.

And, of course, I agree with you. After all, that's why I've run school-based social skills groups in the past...

But you make a good point: it is important not to become overly-focused on any one solution as the only way to go. Every child and family situation is different.

Agreed with that last statement, where "some" equals "all."

My DD is currently learning the skill of dealing with difficult people. It's an important one to learn, and you can't learn it without being stuck in a situation where you have to. If she never learns it, then she'll be another difficult person.

That's not quite true.

You can actively undertake a rebellion against the school leader using COINTELPRO techniques.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/COINTELPRO