Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Early teenage attitude/ behavior???

So I do not know how I am going to survive - DYS DD9 is acting like she has acquired the attitude of a teenager, but in a tiny 9-year-old little body (did she just roll her eyes at me??? What did she just mutter under her breath???). Help! Does this mean that we might be DONE with the teen attitude early (please say yes)??? I hope so, or I might wind up on a funny farm. She's always been super-intense, and never very easy to parent, but I truly might not survive this!

I am seeing a great deal of frustration, and I am wondering if some of it might be school-related. We've been working with her school, but we've not been able to actually make much progress changing things for her so far.

Just to be clear - I am not EXCUSING one bit of her behavior.

If anyone has been through something similar, I am all ears. TIA!

Re is it school-related - it *might* be peer-related. My now-10 year old dd is going through some of the same attitude (more so than my older kids who have age-legitimate reasons to develop teen attitude lol!).. and it started around 9 and it was something that seemed to sweep through her school peers.

Sorry I don't have any advice really, and I don't know if it means it will be over "early" - but I'm hoping so!

polarbear

For some girls, hormones may start to be a factor at this age. This may be easier said than done, but since we are role models for our kids you may wish to be sure you do not react, but rather respond and coach.

For example, "It's good that you're exercising independent thinking. You seem to be disagreeing with something I said? Rolling your eyes (or muttering) does not express yourself well. Please take a moment to put your thoughts into words." You can help her get to the bottom of it, possibly asking gently probing questions. Thinking things through, being mindful, and taking time to reflect can help a kiddo determine the reason(s) behind her feelings, the relative range from temporary to permanent of her feelings, and the size of various feelings in perspective. Sometimes it may resemble a game of 20 questions, but it can worth it to teach a child to stay in the conversation until something is adequately expressed/understood/resolved.

Yes, if she learns she can talk to you about anything (including disagreements with you), in a respectful manner, then she may outgrow any usefulness for attitude. LOL, there is something humorous about coaching a child to present his/her best case against something you've said as his/her parent.

You may wish to tell her that these will be essential life skills for negotiating healthy relationships, establishing boundaries, and also good practice for eventual self-advocacy.

You may also wish to read up on girl drama in books such as Queen Bees and Wannabees and Odd Girl Out, and ask her whether she sees these things going on.

I have noticed the same types of behaviors in girls younger than 9 too. I think that sassiness is more common at younger ages now.

People of all ages are sometimes moody, and it may be that at certain ages people are especially moody. Almost by definition, someone's moodiness does not have a completely rational explanation, so I wonder if trying to understand the causes of it are fruitful. Moods cannot be controlled, but outward behavior usually can be, so I think the focus should be on reminding the child that certain behavior is unacceptable rather than on understanding the root cause.

I disagree. Rudeness serves a purpose for the person using it. Some unspoken need is being met with the behaviours, and the behaviours will continue or manifest in more hidden, and possibly damaging, ways if the surface expression of the underlying need is suppressed.

If she is meeting a need that is too complex for her to communicate politely or which is beyond her awareness, coaching on appropriate ways to express herself and gentle discussions with a parent will provide a better outlet for the upset. Critiquing and punishing the behaviour without communicating a commitment to help the child will just reduce future communication between the parent and child, erode trust, and reduce the effectiveness of future parental interventions.

When someone feels bad or mad or sad, or tired, or ill, or disappointed, or guilty, or shamed, or disrespected, or misunderstood, or jealous, or powerless, or tricked, or trapped, or insignificant, or used, or undermined, or is experiencing any type of negative emotion, a metacognitive moment may empower them to more effectively deal with their predicament, put it into perspective, shake it off, let it go, or formulate a plan to move forward. When people do not recognize or acknowledge their feelings, they may internalize anger (depression) or act angrily toward others.

Some may disagree.

Possibly both are important?
What others experience externally of one's behavior is important.
What one experiences internally, developing positive self-talk and having a healthy relationship with one's self, is also important.
Lumped together, they're often referred to as social/emotional.

A rather frequent topic on the boards is children who are experienced as delightful, compliant, good natured at school... then may come home and express a day's worth of frustration. Generally, helping a child talk things out may help them learn not to act out. YMMV.

Well said.

Good thoughts from all! DD is a spirited, bold child to start with (I was NOT like this and from what MIL tells me, DH wasn't either!), so DD often throws us for a loop. In addition, she is a super-verbal kiddo, with a quick mind (you REALLY have to try not to get sucked into an argument with her, because her noncompliance can start so innocently). I realized long ago that I cannot expect what I would consider "perfect" behavior from her and that I need to pick my battles, or else I'll constantly be on her case...it's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have a kid like this. Traditional discipline was never terribly effective with her - you've never seen a kid have more fun by herself on time-out (actually, being so self-entertaining DOES have an upside ). Taking toys or privileges away has almost no effect. Suffice it to say, she has kept me on my toes up until now! This is just adding a whole new layer to the "fun."

DD9 has been difficult for basically forever and when she gets in a mood, watch out. She argued with people like a lawyer when she was 5. Dh has a much harder time with her and I noticed that it's because he stoops to her level and engages her, making accusations like "If you would just do....blah blah." Then he starts lecturing and it makes ME roll my eyes and I start imitating him under my breath (Blah, blah-blah, blah BLAH). Dh's droning on and engaging her gets DD even more worked up and argumentative. I tend to just tell her why she can't do something or why she did something wrong in a matter of fact way and let it go without lecturing or going on about it (and doling out a consequence if needed). DD is not nearly as argumentative or sassy with me as she is with Dh.

DD is getting to the point where I'm seeing some sarcasm. She doesn't really roll her eyes at me but she rolls her eyes when she's making fun of someone else's behavior. She has an uncanny ability to imitate people perfectly, complete with accent or whatever. She doesn't do this to make anyone feel bad...but people on TV or it might be a teacher at school and she imitates them later. It can be hilarious but I fear the teenage years if she is doing this already.