Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Early interest in the opposite sex

My DD11 has been interested in boys from afar for some time, but has become more actively interested lately. Note, she is absolutely NOT pubescent physically. She resembles me physically at this age, and I think this will not happen till she is about 14. Her interest appears to be more...romantic/spiritual/cognitive/yearning for connection???....than physical, but it sure is there.

A few months ago, she really hit it off with a boy a couple of years older than she is. He's a very nice kid and I have no concerns, as I'm sure it's a very innocent little crush that will go nowhere. (I know she is actually interested because I asked her, and her response was a dead giveaway. I can't tell if the boy is, but he is happy to talk to my DD a lot.) But in a year or two? Yeah, I don't know. It's strange because in other ways, I consider her very immature.

Anyone else have a child like this? DD is smart (obviously), independent as hell, and very very stubborn.

I should mention, sex ed has been well covered here and she is comfortable talking to us about that stuff.

Except that she had one age-normal infatuation at age 3-4, my DD is nothing like this. She has no problems playing with boys, but she has no romantic interests.

Some of the behaviors of her classmates... yikes. DD was reporting kids kissing as early as kindergarten. She had a friend at ages 6-8 who acted like a boy-crazy early teenager. It made me wonder, "Whatever happened to the 'boys are yucky' phase?"

So yeah, what makes this sort of unique to this board (possibly) is that she does not act "boy-crazy." It's not giggly-squee. It's pretty serious (to her).

She does actually think MOST boys are uninteresting. Except for those who...aren't.

I think that's the problem with some of the PG kids. Since they are reading teenager books much earlier, their fantasy is way ahead of their physical age. (We love them to read but 2 years ago (when DD was 8), I was shocked by finding out what she was reading). We don't have that problem yet but I can see that happening soon enough.

Yes. Well, sort of. I mean, as you note-- this isn't about physical "interest" of a romantic nature, it's more about an intense one-on-one "relationship" of some sort.

DD's first crush like this was with a classmate-- and was fully reciprocal, btw-- she was almost 12, and her classmate had just turned 14. They knew one another quite well, and it had grown very naturally out of that, and their close friendship with one another. She is STILL close friends with this person-- both are in college (at rival flagship uni's, in fact). It sounds very very similar to what you're describing, UM.

As far as I've been able to tell, this is yet another facet of her asynchrony-- she really IS ready to be a serious girlfriend to someone. It's that most of her peers are not, if that makes any sense. It's a hard thing to describe-- she won't ALLOW someone that she's involved with to be doing self-destructive things without saying something (usually gently and effectively). Her version of "caring" is doing things like making sure that her partner is well-rested, not in trouble with other friends/family, etc. etc. This also translates into her not really giving the time of day to "bad" or risk-taking people, though-- so drugs/alcohol/sex are not really things that she is having to fend off. She doesn't hang out with people who lean that direction. It is surprisingly mature.

Her current partner's parents have noted that to us.

The magic mix there seems to be that they KNOW that she is PG, but it doesn't actually define her with them-- that is, she is {DD} rather than her exceptionalities, which are numerous.

The parents are not competitive over it, and neither are the two youngsters. They support one another without stepping on one another's toes, and they share some (but not all) of their interests, and have a similar pattern of asynchrony (with physical lagging the rest).

The other youngster is also quite clearly some flavor of gifted-- and 2e, which means that parents understand that we're not helicopter parents, just loving and healthily aware of our DD's life, and believing that kids need guidance whether they are always thrilled about it or not, and that such kids have idiosyncratic developmental arcs.

That last point is really key, honestly.

They've seen enough of DD to know that in spite of the apparent seriousness of the relationship, she is NOT brazen or overly sexualized or anything like it. She's EMOTIONALLY at a different place than her physical years on the planet, that's all.

DD talks to me-- VERY openly, and I'm a pretty neutral listener. I've also remained vigilant and highly involved. I'm neither overtly encouraging her-- nor judging what she tells me. I'm treating what she tells me as being at more or less face value, and at the maturity level that is PRESENTING to me.

It's disconcerting, to be sure, when what comes out of her mouth is more along the lines of what one might expect from a 21 or 22yo disclosing to a best girlfriend... and those ARE the kinds of things she is thinking.

But she really IS thinking them. It's not me making assumptions about what is running through her head. I ask a lot of questions and make few statements, if that helps.

I must respectfully disagree.

My DD has nothing like what one might reasonably call "typical" teenaged fantasies coming out of literature or other media influences.

She disdains such things-- openly and viscerally. She won't DRESS like other teenaged girls (never has), she doesn't like the promiscuity in pop culture, and LOATHES the dysfunctional relationship/romance stuff portrayed in things like Twilight, which she openly mocks as cheap trash.

She is all about the real, and her issues/concerns are very much those of many young women who are 18-22 years of age.

I've slowly come to realize that this is probably just part of the asynchrony that underlies being this LOG. It's idiosyncratic-- so I have to parent what I have and not spend too much time worrying about "normal" as long as it doesn't seem to be too unhealthy.

It's a strange, strange world when your 15yo is a pretty college co-ed. Believe me, we are frequently grateful that she is "attached" to someone that seems to value her just as she is. It keeps her out of the shark tank, so to speak.

Well, actually I am not sure that it would be considered particularly early. Kids in DS/DD's 5th grade classes last year were asking each other "out" and there were talks of boyfriend/girlfriend pairs, especially during the 2nd half of the school year. A few of these involved their friends and if physical, I hope they were only mildly so but can't say for sure.

DD11 only had one crush and it was from K/1 while DS11 only had one crush that lasted a couple of years in elementary. They were not "physical" in any way. As far as I know so far this year in 6th grade, there isn't anyone special but they are extremely picky.

Perhaps partly due to the twin thing, both DS and DD interact with the opposite gender more than typical. My two are also small and likely to hit puberty late as well so I have been concerned with what will be happening around them in the next couple of years. In fact, many of their classmates are physically my size and larger. What is also somewhat disturbing was learning that they knew of a few 6th graders at their school who were held back and are already 14 to their 11.

I can't quite discern exactly at what "level" DD's feelings are, only that they are not age-typical in the sense of being super-silly giggly crush. She interacted very intelligently and at length with the boy she likes--they had long conversations, which she does not do with 90% of boys her age. She did not act silly or flirty. However, she has been known to write dramatic, intense love lyrics and poems. Since age 8, actually!

She does everything with intensity, so I don't know why this would be any different. But still.

My DS8 likes girls-- and I think it has to do with their different appearance as much as the imaginative, organized way many of his girl "friends" prefer to play. The often long hair, complicated clothing, social relationships etc. is fascinating to him. He's not like I was-- anxious, embarrassed, or repelled by boy/girl stuff. I get embarrassed just by his questions. When he's older, I am bracing myself for some major crushes, and given his inquisitive nature, I'm sure he will be consulting me on every detail.

I wonder if your DD is starting to veer into crush territory (totally normal and not early for a girl), but may also be intrigued by differences. That strikes me as "smart" thing-- being curious and trying to "get" how the other gender thinks and responds to the world.