Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion What is giftedness?

Yes, cognitive dissonance is particularly painful for some people. And for other people (or in other circumstances for the same people), there are "truths" that serve important functions for them, for the sake of which objective data may be bent quite significantly.

To your solution: in our house, our twist is the question, "In what way is this true for the other person?" Works for sibling quarrels, too!

Exactly.

I find that even though our daughter is very far outside even that norm, we as parents have considerable common ground with many parents.

Yes, there are some unique things about raising a child who is very far from the norm even among gifted/identified 'gt' kids. I save most of that stuff for here-- or, when I get the opportunity, for when I run into another parent who has (clearly-- and truly, it IS pretty obvious when you meet those parents) a HG/HG+ child. They aren't the parents bragging on their kids. They are the ones trying NOT to, and saying little, maybe looking a bit uncomfy about discussions of milestones, etc.

They light up when they realize that you're a kindred spirit-- they don't look sulky, but PLEASED to have found you. I started realizing that my DD was "more than just MG" when I learned that even most of them can't identify with some of the things that we live with. The maladaptive coping that kids learn at high LOG is really fearsome-- and unusual. Parents definitely need support for those things, and that is a lot of what happens in a place like this.

One thing that I've learned about IRL versus on-line support groups is that the on-line variety in a message board format tends to draw those who really do NOT have good luck finding true peers for support in IRL support groups. In other words-- those who are isolated for some reason and have NO real support group, or those who are at the very ends of the distribution. Our experiences are often extraordinary even among the larger cohort. IRL support groups tend to match the center of the distribution quite a bit better-- but that may make them less of a good fit for the needs of those at the tails of the distribution.

Some may say that this is a sign of a very highly evolved individual. Being able to edit, clarify, provide additional context, and/or delete posts is a benefit of this forum.

Looked at another way, seeking clarification may help individuals examine their beliefs, what informed them, and clarify their view. This can sometimes help a person leap ahead light years in their advocacy.

Agreed. And yet a gifted forum is, for many individuals, their only peek into the gifted community; The impressions they form in reading a gifted forum may linger, grow, and form policy and practice. For example, an unchallenged misconception that PG kids tend to score average on IQ tests may lead to a corollary based on the inverse: that an average score on an IQ test tends to indicate a child is profoundly gifted. For this reason, some may find it pragmatic, even necessary, to ask/probe/seek clarification.

This brings to mind the recent thread on The Overvalued Child.

I will agree with the concern re consistency/accuracy being an issue. By way of analogy: My son is allergic to nuts and peanuts and used to be allergic to milk and eggs. When folks in the allergy community say "allergic" they don't mean "I hypothesize that my child's behavior will improve if I remove X from his diet." They mean "my child will have to be injected with epinephrin if he is exposed to X, and he could still die anyway."

There are many people with food-related hypotheses, and who am I to say they are wrong? I have no idea. However, as a short cut to explain why they need everybody else to follow their child's food rules - they say "my child is allergic." Well - no, your child isn't. They are sensitive, or have a bad reaction, or say whatever you want. Maybe it is even an exquisite sensitivity, and if so you have my sincere sympathy. I know it's hard.

But when 100 people say "my child is allergic" and they aren't, it virtually mutes my plea - "My child is allergic to milk and nuts. Please don't give him any of the rocky road ice cream." Instead, people wait until my back is turned and slip him a little taste because "he deserves a little bit at least, even if he is allergic." And then they truthfully say, "How were we supposed to know he was SO allergic he'd get that sick, that fast." Because honestly, the way people toss around the word "allergic," there really was no way they could know. [[Yes - this really happened to us. DS was fine after a trip to urgent care and meds and a very bad experience.]]

My point is - misuse or inconsistency is dangerous when it mutes people who need to use a word to mean what they say. And there's no other way to get the point across without going on and on and sounding like a crazy person. And then you're really muted anyway.

This is why I think the HG/PG community needs to abandon the word "gifted" and exclusively use the word "asynchronous." Better still, give it a three-letter acronym - "asynchronous development syndrome" = ADS.

Imagine: "My child has ADS. Sure - he has some challenges, but there's a plus side, too. And it's important we all stay focused on that." Now we're talking their language!!

Some may say that what parents share may depend upon their previous lived experiences, their awareness of gifted issues, their childrens' recent events (good news to share vs. dilemma to solve), the level of trust in those with whom they are communicating, and whether they do perceive the other as a kindred spirit.

As in unrequited love, it is entirely possible for one party to believe they've found a kindred spirit, and for another party to believe otherwise. As with other "credentialing", some may attribute value to IQ test scores... the absence of which does not diminish the person but may, in some minds, invalidate the use of certain designations such as HG, HG+, PG... or fail to convince a parent that they've found a kindred spirit.

This has my support because being "asynchronous" does not sound like something to be grasped at. There is something about the word "gifted" which causes some people to correlate it with intrinsic worth... inspiring a condition of coveting it... and a sense of status, that more of it must be better.

Precisely. And a kid with Ads inherently cannot be "highly gifted, but totally normal in every other way." Which is what the graspy folks always want to say about their "highly gifted" kids.

Important note to parents with "ADS" kids who are magnificently well-adjusted: Please don't think I'm saying your kids aren't HG/PG. In fact, I'm only admiring the hard work I know you and your kids did to achieve that.

I don't see anything in the definitions of asynchronous development that precludes a child being several years ahead in academic/intellectual areas, and spot-on average developmental milestones in other areas such as social, emotional, motor/athletic. ETA: My bad, not mentioning emotional intensity... due to being largely familiar with seeing it channeled for good.

In my own experience, "graspy folks" need their child to be #1, regardless the academic dishonesty, undermining, or withholding of information it may take to eliminate any who might be perceived as competition.

Indigo, haven't you ever encountered those folks? You surely live a more sheltered existence than me. I'd go hunt some examples down for you, but it's too depressing. You'll have to take my word for it that real life and the internet are both littered with people saying "they're not gifted, they're just smart". And the following reasoning is just a nonsensical as that statement.

Yeah-- "Wow, we had no idea..." is truly music to our ears. It means that we've done a good job making sure that DD is somewhat cushioned from the expectations of a world that is entirely out of step with her development in many ways.

That wouldn't be possible at all, however, if she were a different child, or if we didn't (all of us-- her too) work as hard as we do at it.

By "kindred spirit" I'm definitely not talking about assuming that another party is a soulmate or anything. I'm referring quite specifically to certain "tells" of an unusual condition that often garners nothing but ostracism/envy/derision from the community at large.

I have two different (and unrelated) experiences there as a parent, and I stand by my assertion that you can tell who the other parents are-- there are things that they do (or do not do) which are often subtle indicators reflecting their lives as "other" with respect to other parents.

To go with suevv's analogy, these are the families with smartphones out, who read EVERY label in a grocery store-- and even read duplicate labels on two identical cans of tomatoes before placing them into the basket. Their kids wear fanny packs or cross-body "purses" even as little kids, and they have medic-alert bracelets on. Then there are the people with "wheat allergy" who eat the pumpkin out of the pie shell, or "just take the bun off" of a burger while they tell everyone within earshot about how amazing their chiropractor is with their food allergies (always plural). The latter, I just grit my teeth and ignore, much as it pains me... and the former, I smile at with a great deal of sympathy-- because I know just how hard life is for them. If they smile back, or look particularly defeated, I might even strike up a conversation. Because I already know.

Same with the hyper-energetic 3yo at the park who is talking 100mph and asking why-why-why-why questions, peppered with observations about EVERYTHING, many of them insightful in the extreme, and a preference for older kids and adults. That's a "tell" for a gifted child. The parental exhaustion and attempts to get her child to be quiet about unusual topics of interest... well, I know that look, too.

These are not generally parents who are trying to seek attention. Usually, they are tired and attempting to go under the radar of those around them, having learned that most of the world is completely out of step with their day to day reality. They are sometimes very lonely.