Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Absent-minded

Our 11yo boy often forgets simple things, such as taking his coat home, bringing home a needed book or paper, or turning off the light in the bathroom when leaving it. He regrets doing these things but keeps doing them. I wonder how to help him. To avoid losing things and forgetting things, some rules I try to follow and have suggested to him are as follows:

(1) Avoid carrying loose things -- put them in pockets when possible.
(2) Whenever leaving a room, ask yourself what you came in with and what you should have on you.
(3) Have a single place were you always put your keys, wallet, etc.

I wonder how parents have tried to ameliorate absent-mindedness in their children.

My DD9 has been self-hothousing on this skill, partly because of the unique nature of her school day (4 different classrooms daily, plus other weekly pull-outs for activities like band and choir, quite unusual for elementary school), and partly because there are staff members who would use something as ordinary as forgetting to bring a folder as evidence that she's not gifted, shouldn't have been grade skipped (immaturity!), or both.

A few nights ago I nearly stepped on a book cover lying on the floor like a pitched tent. DD admonished me not to pick it up, as it was her visual reminder to bring the library book it belonged to back to school. This is a trick I use for myself, too. I rarely take home my work laptop, so in order to make sure I don't commute without it, I leave it by the front door the night before.

One of my own strategies is to remember a number, as a backup to a full list. So if the wife sends me to the store for n things, a quick count tells me whether I'm ready for check-out or whether I'd better start thinking. If n>5, I make her write a list.

DS 11 is getting better but has a way to go. Most of the time he just does not stop to take inventory. I think it takes time and patients and maybe some hand holding along the way.

School is strict. You cannot forget anything or you will get a write up. Five write ups and you have to stay after on a Friday and have a meeting with the guidance coordinator. This has helped, no one wants to spend 45 minutes talking to this lady.

Stop and inventory, truly clear your mind for 10 seconds and think/focus is what we do.

You might sit with him and brainstorm. DD has been having some health problems this fall and is tired and forgetful. It's gotten kind of bad. We asked her to think of ways to solve this, and she is writing things on her hand in ink at school (like "bring SS boook home") the minute they come up. It's not what I would have chosen, but it seems to work for her. She also has a nightly list she has to go through before bedtime (written up) to help her remember all her responsibilities.

I'm a fan of checklists to systematize mundane things I'd rather not commit to memory. It sounds silly, but you could post a little checklist in locations where he tends to forget a step. Have him quickly review the list when entering or leaving those places. For school, give him little laminated business card sized lists of tasks for the beginning and end of the day to store someplace accessible, like his agenda or wallet.

If he protests, you can tell him that doctors and fighter pilots use checklists to good effect. This is an enjoyable read: The Checklist Manifesto.

If he has good spatial memory, having a dedicated place for everything and keeping it in its place is a godsend.

For school stuff, I sent in a check list that I made inside a sheet protector. It contained things like bring water bottle, bring lunch pack, bring homework sheets, bring text book for tomorrow's test etc. DS was supposed to check off each item using a dry erase marker before leaving for home. It worked for him and after 2 months of this, he did not need the checklist anymore.

At home, we remind, remind and remind and it helps somewhat.

Well, it depends on the child. My oldest has neurological damage and a swiss cheese memory so it's really hit or miss despite lots of scaffolding. I try to only help him as necessary with reminders. I tell him to mentally go down the list of all items he needs (wallet, cellphone, keys, lunch, water bottle, device, backpack, . . .) and actually stand there with him while he does that. With my DS11, I used his twin sister when he was too young/undeveloped (brain-wise) through about age 9. However, by 5th grade, I started making him responsible and suffer every consequence even when I could have saved him by for example dropping a word with his teacher. In DS11's case, while he is extremely absent-minded and likely will always be so, it turns out that he can manage to remember important things. Yes, I was kind of mean and unsympathetic, but he did learn and has improved substantially in the last year. There are still instances, but I usually walk him through the whole thing ad nauseum and discuss what he could have and should have done differently. I think that itself is kind of tortuous for him so provides additional incentive to not make the exact same mistake again. His schools are also big on planners and organization so that has helped. I also advise him to adopt set routines until they become automatic. For example, always stuff his jacket in his backpack before putting it in his locker as they are not allowed to carry their backpacks around school except before and after school.

Thanks to everyone for their suggestions. I will try some of them.

My son has totally embraced technological tools for organization. That doesn't help when he makes his water jug for his sport practice and then walks out the door without it. Luckily those types of things are now random and he pretty much has it together.

He gets irritated with me as I run through a checklist out loud as I sit in the car to go somewhere (cell phone, umbrella, backpack, library books to return, etc.) and then start in on him and things I want to make sure he has (like his water) but that is how I work...he wants me to use my phone instead.