Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion DD7 has cognitive growing pains

(Take this with a grain of salt given that I'm only parenting a 2.8yo and may have no appreciation of the nuances of your DD's age beyond my own experience as a child.)

Could you take the discussion completely out of the body context with her and discuss what it means from a cognitive, emotional, and social perspective to be an adult? That is, discuss how you and your DH changed mentally over time, identify the pluses and minuses of being each age, etc. I have a feeling the underlying issue is one of loneliness and idealizing the perceived ease of finding true friends as an adult. It can be so isolating to have a mature mind "trapped" in a child's body, and to have your thoughts and ideas discounted by outsiders because you're "just a child". That was my superficial take from your OP factum based on my own childhood.

So this may be totally out there in terms of how to deal with this (which, btw, I think is totally normal at her age, just the emotions of it may be unusually intense combined with her high level of cognitive understanding). But - one thing that occurred to me is that you could use this as an opportunity (if you're comfortable with it) to talk to her about the changes she'll be going through as she goes through puberty etc. We had those discussions with my dds earlier than I'd planned on thanks to an unplanned appearance of one of the AG books about girls' bodies etc.. which in the end turned out to be a-ok (my youngest dd was only 5 when my ds read the book to her - NOT exactly when I'd planned on sharing info about menstruation etc, but it was fine in the long run). I just wonder if perhaps talking through some of what will happen will reassure her that she will grow into a body like yours and that she will grow into feeling comfortable in who she is.

Best wishes,

polarbear

This sounds like a very reasonable idea, actually. My parents gave us books on puberty to read when we were about three or four years old, and we've done the same with our children. I suspect that, for younger children, the information is reassuringly objective, absent the tabu element for pre-teens, and the melodrama of early adolescence.

The only real fallout has been some slightly awkward (for the adult party) conversations between small children and unsuspecting adults. Oh, and the time I asked my older sibling's friend if he had started nocturnal emissions yet. In front of a table-ful of other early teens. (It's not appropriate dinner-table conversation?)

So I'll say that I think this is a fabulous idea...but you might want to add that people have various levels of comfort with talking about bodies in public.

Are you sure this isn't a gifted parent issue. We are so keen on honouring our child's intellect and need to know that we make normal childhood queries complicated. I would suspect the majority of children have had similar thoughts. Most of them probably didn't speak to their parents. The rest will have been told "you are seven and have a seven year old's body" possibly followed by a book but mostly not. Maybe all your daughter needs to hear is she is normal.

Only mentioning it because I had a discussion with ds7 the other day and it got me thinking about what other parents might say.

You mean like the story about the child who asks a parent, "What is sex?", and, after receiving a lengthy explanation of the birds and the bees says, "that's very interesting, Mommy, but I still don't know if I'm supposed to circle the M or the F on this form?"

aeh-- EXACTLY.

DH is often more guilty of this than I am, but I learned quite early on to put on my poker face and respond to shocking statements with "Oh? Why do you ask?" to buy myself time, and avoid major missteps like that.

lol I am enjoying this chat.

aeh - your story made my day! LOL

And yes, we've covered puberty. No fanfare, no shame, just the physical changes and the ability to carry and nurse a baby for the female. I have also said males are pollinators and carry pollen, called sperm, but have not yet explained how an egg is fertilized by the sperm *exactly.

puffin, yes, I have told her I've had all these thoughts and most people do at her age. DH agree that's important for her to realize her thoughts are normal, and we tell her stories about how we felt when we were young to help her relax.

aquinas and polarbear - I'm with you on all points, especially the underlying point of longing for deep connections with friends.

She was so pained by her secret thoughts it took a very long time for them to come out and they came out herby-jerky. I didn't completely understand at first. She started by asking, "Mom, did you bond with your girl body?" That was a loaded question and I didn't even realize she was leading up to questions about herself. So I couldn't be too dismissive or minimize her concerns. I did normalize them and make sure she knew it was safe to reveal whatever is bothering her. This was not a passing comment, it was an hour-long conversation with tears because she was afraid to tell anyone her inside thoughts.

Thanks, everyone.

Well she will get past it but she may move on to something harder. Just keep doing the best you can.

The other story is the kid asking "where do i come from?" and after the long explanation saying "oh, John in my class comes from Scotland".