Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Grieving the loss of a beloved family dog

My DD is a very strong empath and we are going to have to put a dog that she has known all of her life down. She appears to understand that we are doing this out of love for our dear, dear dog.

I am going to hurt badly myself and hence my question:-

Will it be better for her in the long run if I hide my grief (because she is a strong empath) or is it healthier for a child to see her father broken to pieces over something like this?

The dog's last visit to the vet is scheduled for Saturday morning so I want to be prepared so that I can brace myself to mask the hurt if necessary.

I would express the emotion and discuss your feelings openly with her. Modeling good coping strategies and showing that grief is a normal reaction will support her emotional needs and teach her how to manage her feelings better than masking your true feelings. It also builds trust because she'll learn that your perspectives are aligned on important issues.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog.

Children handle grief sometimes far better than we adults do. What are your plans for your dog's remains? We buried one cat ourselves (he died late at night and I didn't want to "store" him and upset the kids (very young). Two other pets, we arranged for the vet to bury them on his farm. But any way you do it, allow them to see the dog one last time and explain death if they are old enough to really grasp it. It broke my heart to have my toddler keep asking me every time we drove by the vet's office if we were going to pick up the cat this time or not. Ugh.

It's OK to let your kid see you grieve. Most times, a child's first experience with grief is the loss of a pet. It helps them be able to process harder losses that are sure to come as they get older --- grandparents, for instance. Let your child know it's ok to cry or not. Or cry together or cry alone.

I am very sorry for your impending loss and wish you the best as you make this very hard decision.

Condolences to you and your family on the impending loss of your beloved pet.

Hoagies' Gifted Education Page offers a page of resources for grieving a loss, including a section dedicated to pet loss.

There are a lot of good books....10 good things about Barney...and other picture books that can help.

My condolences. It's never easy to lose a beloved pet.

I wouldn't hide my grief, I think discussing your own grief will help you both. My question would be if you want to explain putting the dog down (Animal euthanasia). My DS15 & I had a unresolved discussion/argument about animal euthanasia a few weeks ago. He really felt it was never OK to euthanasize an animal. It wasn't an easy discussion and at the time we didn't have a sick pet at this time. I don't remember why the subject came up.

I think the key point you mention is that she is a strong empath. It isn't just a question of handling emotions or death, but as you've identifed a question of could your raw emotions spoil her authentic reaction.

If your reaction is stronger than her instinctual one, she might feel guilty. Or she could stay confused about whether her reaction is her own or just her feeling your reaction. Growing up highly empathic, I have a number of emotional memories that I can't determine whether I was reacting to a situation or reacting to others' reactions.

Personally, I would say get the raw primal reaction out of your system and approach her once that has levelled. Certainly don't hide the emotion, but do time your emotional state.

My deepest condolences. In our direct experience, the more open the situation and emotions can be, the better the healing will also be.

You don't say how old your DD is (or I missed it in the thread). We had to euthanize our big old guy when DD was 7 after a sudden illness (he was very elderly, but the end came suddenly). He was too large to help into the back of the SUV without hurting him (he topped 120 when he was a healthy adult). So we had the vet come to the house several times in the final days... including the final visit.

The last day we all spent with him, petting him and giving him one last wobbly walk in the sun. Feeding him chocolate (because, hey, why not) and yes, crying on each other's shoulders. It was hard, but it was good too, being there and feeling those feelings together. Our little young dog cuddled with him and gave him kisses.

When the vet came, we gave DD the option to stay in the room or excuse herself. She opted to stay, holding our little dog, and watch from the other side of the room. DH and I were hands on, with him through the end. Then DD donated her special yellow flowered sheet to wrap him in and the vet (who had a stretcher) helped us get him into the car for the trip to the humane society for final arrangements.

When I was about 7 myself, my parents had to put down our cat and sought to "protect" me from the trauma by not telling me or letting me see any sadness. They took her away to the vet and then were like "oh, sorry, she died." The result was that I was angry and confused and had no concept of how to feel. I didn't understand that she had feline leukemia and had to be put down. It was an issue with me for years afterward. They were doing what they thought was best, but I don't think it was a good decision.

We still miss our big old friend, talk about him fondly, and sometimes get sad. We have a picture of him on our "wall of ancestors." But DD has never seemed angry or confused about him or what happened. We are all at peace with it. And as a side result, our little dog has never gone looking for him or seemed confused by his absence, the way that you sometimes hear about.

So my recommendation is to be honest, be open, feel and show your feelings. Show her that a real man can cry when he's sad and that it's OK to be upset when you are loosing someone you love.

Thanks for your input and your sympathies folks.

My upper lip will definitely quiver at least over this.

In all seriousness it will be bad I adore the little guy and I remember the gruff pats on the back and cries of 'chin up!' when my mother died two weeks after my third birthday. I resented it for years that no one openly grieved with me.

Now obviously losing the dog is not quite on the same level but my DD has known him all her life (nearly 9.5 years). And I want openly grieve with her over this loss but I am anxious about this upsetting her more because she is such an empath.

We never watched Bolt all the way through, for example, because she so pitied him when it was revealed that he didn't have any super powers that she was inconsolable until we switched it off.

I am so very sorry, madeinuk.