Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion The "Guys" Don't Want to Play with Me

Well, here we are. Finally at the point where DS is feeling ostracized by the "guys".

He's in a small charter school in first grade and there's four other guys in first grade with him. However, he's been accelerated to second grade reading and third grade math. The kids in first grade have been telling him that he CAN'T be in third grade math because he's a FIRST GRADER!!!

He told me today (as he was making out a Christmas card to the boy in question, no less...), that said-boy and another called him a "slow-poke" on the playground the other day. He told me that it doesn't make sense because he's the second to the fastest runner in the class. He was in tears as he told me that they said he's slower than ____'s baby sister (who is an infant).

I knew this day was coming but I'm feeling like I blundered the play. I told him that he's different than the other first grade boys and they are envious, so they look for ways to make fun of him. I suggested he hang with the third and fourth grade guys instead.

He's not entirely aware of his difference. (He's scoring in the 99th percentile on MAP tests) But he knows that something isn't "right".

Amazon has a book, The Survival Guide for Gifted Kids that I looked a bit into. I just don't know if it's going to help him/us with this acclimation.

What do you suggest to help our son with "fitting in" to a small charter school in which he is one of five first grade boys?

Aw, poor DS! I'll be watching this topic too to find out the "right" response I generally laughingly roll my eyes and smh and say "THAT was a crazy thing for them to say then, wasn't it, because of course you can go to third grade math and obviously you're not slower than xyz's baby sister. Honestly, sometimes kids are funny." What I'm aiming for is lightheartedness, validating my DD's situation, dismissing other kids' potentially hurtful comments without being horrible about it and making them out to be mean or stupid or psychopaths, and demonstrating how to let random comments from the uninitiated roll off your back. Don't know yet if it's working tho!

It is a tough one. I usually start by asking if what the other child said was true. Virtually always it is not, and my child knows that. Which helps to build my child's confidence a little bit. And then we talk about possible reasons that the other child would say something like that. And then we talk about how the other child shouldn't say things like that because it hurts feelings. And finally, we talk about what my child could say the next time hurtful (and wrong) comments are said.

So, basically what you did, which is to acknowledge the hurt, talk about the ridiculousness of the comments (and here I like AvoCado's advice), and then come up with something empowering.

BTW: this kind of thing is definitely not limited to a situation like this, i.e., acceleration. Any time a kid is different in any way, kids will say hurtful things. The best thing you can do is to just be there to talk it through with him.

Although, if it happens again I would probably talk to the teacher to give her a head's up. You can attempt to have a first grader stand up for himself, but you can't expect it.

Five boys - that is rough! He just might not click with any of them if there are only five first grade boys. If he isn't already, I would get him into some activities where he is likely to find peers with similar interests, perhaps even close in age.

Boys this young are pretty simple - one day, they are "best friends" with each other, the next day, one of the same boys prefers playing with another boy because this other child has a video game he likes. They argue and then are great friends again soon after. I do not think your DS should consider himself "permanently excluded" from the first grade boys. As hard as it is, I try to help DS just "roll with it." I tell him that things will be better tomorrow - and usually they are!

DS5, in K, is my more sensitive child. If someone so much as looks at him sideways on the bus, he talks about it for 2 days. He wants everyone to like him, he is a follower, and I worry about him trying "too hard" to blend in with his peers. He is the opposite of my DD this way!

I "help" DS a great deal by allowing him to have friends over often. I indulge his interests that help him relate to his friends. He is still the "sensitive" one, and is academically advanced - it is actually pretty funny to see his friends turn to ask him to read something for them! I see problems possibly ahead, but DS also has a larger group of kindergarteners to chose from - you may need to expand your DS's peer group (chess club, science club, Lego Robotics class?).

I know this is tough, though - DS is sensitive, too!

Ametrine- so sorry to hear this. Honestly, more empathy and support than advice.

I also have a 1st grade boy. He knows he is different and is very sensitive. It is hard to watch. Ds is very social and wants friends and to fit in, yet he has "no friends", wants no play dates, etc.

Kids are mean. My ds gets deeply hurt when others say mean things to him. This perpetuates the problem.

I have tried telling ds to ignore the comments, find someone else to play with, or say it hurts his feelings. I think he mostly walks away (when he doesn't cry).

I will be following this thread. Keep us posted.

I've also seen this happen over many different situations, when one child stands out in one way or another. Sometimes it even happens where really there isn't anything all that noticably different, but a group of children just for whatever non-reason chooses to exclude or make fun of another child. I agree with the advice you've already received, but would add one thing. In my children's experience, school culture can make a *huge* difference when this happens. I was just talking with my kids on the way home from school today about a situation in my dd's class where one student was being mean to another, and even she noticed how differently it was handled at her current school than it would have been at her previous school. The key is that the school she's at now has a staff that acts swiftly when they see instances of children excluding others or bullying or whatever. Treating each other with respect is an ingrained part of the school culture and the teachers expect to address problems like this immediately and directly with the students. I don't know what the attitude or policy is at your charter school, but I would let your ds' teacher know that this has happened and how it's made him feel -his teacher(s) may have some good ideas about how to address the issue in school.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I have twin boys in first grade. Can you talk to the teacher and the guidance counselor for advice? Maybe they could even work with your son on responses to comments about his acceleration. Our school is really into having all of the kids treat each other with respect, and they try to nip teasing like that in the bud, as far as I can see.

I'm sorry they are being mean - it sounds like they feel threatened. Unfortunately, it seems to me this year in first grade that the boys are starting to experience real peer pressure to "fit it" with the group. For the first time, my twins really care about their clothes, shoes, toys, and what other first grade boys are doing.

Unfortunately, we have already had to deal with some situation of mean comments, etc, due to differences, and it is hard for for them to understand at that age.

It struck me today that DS' situation is similar to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's.

I told him that like Rudolph, he has a gift that others will not understand, but someday will appreciate.

I'm so sorry you are going through this! This happened with my DS in 1st grade last year. He's not subject accelerated but they use AR at his school and reading levels are pretty public and he's the highest in his grade. So he felt like he had a target on his back at the beginning of the year last year. He caught a lot of flak.

He is in a large school we had a lot more than 5 boys to choose from, but this still might work. When he told me something negative, I'd say, but are ALL the boys saying this/acting mean/excluding you? And of course, he'd say no. I'd say, well who was nice today? Let's focus on the boys who are nice. And I'd invite one boy over to play. After 4 or 5 play dates with different boys either in his class or in other first grade classes(over a period of a couple months) he was feeling more like he belonged. The second half of the year was positive.

Obviously with only 5 boys in the class, it's a smaller group, but maybe you could still invite them over to play, one at a time, so that they can get to know your son away from the peer group.

You can work with the teacher and the administration, and definitely ask them for tips but when kids do or say something mean to another child, they don't always do it in front of a teacher, which makes it difficult to monitor and correct.

Like in twenty years when they are looking for a job.

Another option is that Girls can be more fun and open to sensitive boys.

Also, compliments and curious questions can go a good way bridge a lot of waters. "Whatcha doin?" "Oh, that's cool." We've talked to DS7 since kindergarten about trying and throwing himself into what another kid is doing. Fun is fun and doesn't have to fit all of his agendas. What better way to learn something new than to try what other's are doing. It seems to be working out, first couple months in third were rocky.