Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Are Gifted Couples More Satisfied Than Non-gifted?

So, teach him how to cook!

I'm only being partly cheeky because, for DH and I (both gifted), the sources of our conflict are the most mundane aspects of our existence: chores, banking, family visits. Frankly, we share religious, political, and economic views and are close in intelligence, so there's little friction to be had. How Canadian!

To my thinking, giftedness allows better application of logic, perspective taking, and reason to interpersonal conflict. It may be that gifted-gifted (or gifted-NT) marriages face the same conflicts as NT-NT relationships, but the spouse(s) are better equipped to foresee problems or address them systematically as they arise, which could account for the findings of the study you linked.

My initial hypothesis is that the satisfaction in a marriage doesn't come so much from similarity but from the perception that your spouse loves and respects you, and vice-versa. That love probably transcends political, economic, and intellectual differences and explains some of the wild departures we see from assortative pairing.

Frankly, a large part of my husband's initial appeal was his brilliant mind. Talking to my husband is the one true time when I feel "home". I am one of those individuals for whom a close intellectual match is necessary.

We're an example of a pair of HG+ people who have pretty much got that, a volatile Celtic disposition, and a sense of humor in common. NOTHING else. Well; DD, obvviously.

He's a smart jock, and I'm anti-athletic to the point of absurdity.

He's an extravert, I'm an introvert.

That's only the bare beginnings of the major differences between us, honestly. We do NOT think alike-- to the point that it is kind of a joke between the two of us that if one of us is thinking X, it's a GIVEN that the other one is thinking "Y" at the same time. On the other hand, as a team, we are truly formidable as a result-- because we see things so differently that we're like a super-PG person-- assuming that we quit screeching at one another like the Sopranos long enough to communicate, I mean. Eventually we tend to get there.

We can meet one another at the same LEVEL, but we have virtually no shared interests to spend TIME together on-- we both lack the ability to be dogmatic about pretty much anything, though-- so I suppose that is something else in common, though I've attributed that to the physical science background/avocation. I think it's probably innate, however, and we're absolutely ecumenical about it-- it's a worldview for both of us. "Rational Skepticism whether we like it or not," I guess. Luckily this seems to have worked pretty well for us over the past 20+ years. We joke that we're a pair of dragons; the truth is that we're both VERY difficult, strong, well-educated, opinionated people who would completely steamroll most people in a moment, but we deal with one another without any hard feelings whatsoever, and a great deal of love, respect and affection.


Like aquinas, I can overlook a LOT of other things because my DH "gets" my HG+-ness, quirks and all. He doesn't think I'm crazy to proactively explore potential catastrophes and head them off (often in the face of a world that isn't intended for advance planning on that scale).

Good question:

Good answer:

Well yes if having a worshipping servant floats your boat that works too....

Yes. Lol.

I've wondered about this topic because my extended family seems to be mostly made up of gifted-NT marriages, although the NT spouses often have one thing they're really good at, or maybe I'm seeing more of an HG/MG difference? I wish I could have everyone tested, just to satisfy my curiosity. I wonder how common gifted-NT marriages are?

In the study, 66% thought their spouse was gifted (identified as a child or had characteristics) and 34% did not. But I think that the authors' selection of "gifted" participants was skewed to academic high achievers so perhaps there were some NT particpant-gifted spouse and NT-NT combos as well.

In the end, out of 87 people...

Or if the giftedness perception is higher than actual giftedness, then perceived giftedness of the spouse may be a proxy for respect and love of the spouse.

Maybe he knows how but does not want to after a long day's work, perhaps book-ended by long commutes. There is something to be said for the single-earner model. Most of my colleagues in finance (but not me) have wives who are SAHMs. Many women have jobs such as teaching that pay an order of magnitude less than high-level corporate jobs. In such cases, the most important economic contribution the wife can make is to support her husband's career.

My husband and I have opted for a single-earner model and I would consider a suggestion from my husband such as the one you've made highly offensive. A couple certainly could agree on that division of labour, but to assert that it's the best possible solution in all cases involves some rather regressive assumptions.

Are you suggesting that the maximum possible value of the SAH parent is meal preparation and household chores? As an individual with two graduate degrees who is a SAH mother, I would beg to differ. Especially when the financial opportunity cost of my time in the market is *higher* than my husband's in corporate law.

Let's not forget that decisions can be made for non-market reasons, and the expectation that the non-market spouse performs the household work is an assumption that may be both socially and economically irrational.

To connect this to the original topic, perhaps interpersonal sensitivity and less reliance on gender stereotypes in specializing intra-couple labour, is a source of happiness among gifted couples.

Both my DH and I are HG+. Our areas of interest are dramatically different, I'm a literature, history, art buff and he is purely 21st century technology, engineering and finance.

Sometimes I really long for a partner who could discuss literature at my level and really get into it. I don't currently have anyone in my life I can do that with, but we do have some pretty awesome political discussions and we both love music, especially opera, so we do have some common ground. I don't think I could be married to someone who wasn't at minimum my intellectual equal. That's my very personal opinion.

I am a SAHM. When I quit working we were making about the same. Now my DH is making more than twice as much as he was then, I do think partly because he has good support at home. I see it as a team effort. If the powers that be see him as someone who is always "on," then he's going to be a more valuable employee. My economic contribution to our family is to ensure that he can do that. He does not worry about laundry or dishes or meals, but sometimes works from home well into the night. I feel that my "domestic" contributions are extremely important to the economic well-being of our family.

If he had to be on-call for sick children there is no way he would have the career that he does. My former career would not have allowed for that either. If we were both still working, our kids would be suffering because both of our careers were demanding of our time and energy.

I do not feel any shame in being an intellectual, educated woman who stays home to make sure that the gaps in her children's education are filled and that her husband has all the support he needs to have the career he dreams of.

Possibly some of this maps to our GT kids' relationship with school: In that relationship we are seeking flexibility, support, and opportunity for each child to continue their own personal growth and development, within the existing constraints of time, money, and balancing the needs of other students in the class.

Lasting marriages may similarly be predicated on spouses mutually providing flexibility, support, and opportunity for each other to continue growing and developing as a unique individual, throughout the lifespan, while living within each family's unique constraints of time, money, and balancing the needs of other family members, including one's children?

Meanwhile I agree with aquinas that husbands may enjoy cooking. For some, it may be a great way to unwind after work, and seeing what they've created by their own skill may be immensely rewarding. I will even wonder aloud whether a kiddo may be interested to begin learning in his youth to prepare foods which are not "blue-green", so he may properly nurture and nourish himself rather than expecting a future wife to do for him that which he is unable to do for himself?