Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Infuriatingly Forgetful

My 6 yr old would get on the bus every day without his backpack if I didn't put it on his back. Also he loses his glasses many times per week even though he wears them all day until bedtime... How this happens I have no idea. Yesterday I let my kids get a box of lollipops for Halloween and my daughter asked me where the box was and she was holding it in her hands. When kids are that little they think whatever they are thinking about is the most important thing in the world and my kids are probably thinking about things 24/7. I think they are just not super focused on things that are less important to them. Of course if you say something they are not supposed to hear they will remember it for the rest of their lives ha! Hopefully it's just your son being a 6 year old.

I just don't expect much of ds6. The other day i put his hat on his head and he took it off and lost it before he left the house. I didn't notice so i guess he was only allowed to play in the shade at lunch time. I am starting to expect a bit more over the next few years but i don't feel the need to create more stress for myself by expecting more from him than he is able to manage at this point.

This happens all the time with DD18 and DD16 (though DD18 is off at school, so it is her problem now). The worst is that they insist on wearing flip flops when traveling to a softball tournament. They say that they will put on the cleats when we are approaching the field...which is great, but you can't put on your cleats if they are sitting at home. More than once we have been driving on a toll highway when I look around and don't see cleats...I do usually remember to take inventory before we leave so this doesn't happen too often. They get annoyed with the inventory and have insisted they have everything, only to arrive at the field without some key piece of equipment. They are not the only ones to do this though. I see plenty of teammates do the same thing - I think it is pretty common among all sorts of kids.

This may sound mean, but maybe as they approach adulthood they have to face the consequences of forgetting. You could ask them before getting in the car if they have everything and then drive them to the game. If they don't have cleats or other needed equipment -- they don't play. You would explain beforehand the new approach.

And maybe even help them type up a list to keep in the equipment bag that they can check when you ask the general question with the new approach.

That is true to a point, but I think this method should be deployed with care.

We have a super-forgetful DS11: turning in homework and keeping track of papers is an especial problem. While some would advocate a "cold turkey" approach, we are doing this more gradually.

In some cases, he truly doesn't have the skills yet, so we break them down and teach/support until he has them. In the case of soccer cleats, that would look like a leaving-the-house checklist. I'd probably prompt the use of the checklist but not the actual items. In the case of homework, it's a reminder to use the planner and checking on completed homework going to the right folder, but less and less support of the doing of the homework itself. We are no longer micro-managing content, but we sure used to.

We are over time gradually raising our expectations and withdrawing our support according to our estimate of what he can do successfully. Crises stress him out and make him feel he's incapable; he does better with gradual work on these issues and a track record of success that boosts his belief in his ability to organize.

We are also having him serve as his own advocate when he messes up: you forgot to turn this in, you go make it right with the teacher. That's a natural consequence, too, but one that builds problem-solving skills.

While the list would help, I doubt that they wouldn't play if they forgot their cleats. (I actually have a list for overnight tournaments, so they could easily access that on my laptop.) Either someone would retrieve the cleats (me, DH, grandparents, another team parent) and would get them there before the start of the second game, or they could borrow footwear. Maybe there wouldn't be an extra pair of cleats, but certainly players and moms would have sneakers (and my kids wear a very common size).

If I didn't enable, certainly another parent or coach would. This approach is easier with school stuff though, since other parents would not be enablers.

I think that DD18 has gotten better over the past few years since she has had to pack her own bags for various overnight trips. Also, now that she is 3 hours away, we can't be running things to her, so she has to figure it out herself. I suspect DD16 will get better once she is off at school. DD9 doesn't seem to have as much of an issue with forgetting stuff.

If this were my family, there wouldn't be the retrieving part--there would be a prompt before leaving the house, but no parental scramble to fix the situation, not for an extracurricular activity. Borrowing shoes is itself a natural consequence (ew, plus they won't fit well).

But only you know what works for your family! If this is really OK for you, DH, the grands, etc., that's yours.

We have made more effort to "fix" things that WE think are important, like retrieving the homework paper he left at school *with him* (not retrieving it for him). Our feeling was that in elementary, if he left the paper at school and undone, he would get extra free time (because less homework) and be allowed to recognize that it wasn't that important. We chose to cultivate the feeling that school is very important, even though it was inconvenient for us-- and the natural consequence was that he lost free time in going back to school and retrieving the paper, as well as then having to do the homework.

We tend to think it through as "is the right behavior being rewarded?" We try to set it up so it's really easiest and most pleasing if they do the right thing.

This is useful not just for testing, but for practice. We started with "go to the basement and bring me a can of chicken stock" and have progressed to 2- and 3- item lists...

I'd solve the cleats issue differently. The consequence would be the loss of privilege of wearing flip-flops in the car. The child would wear cleats to the next tournament. They can't forget to bring something they're already wearing.

Of course, she'd probably forget something else next time, but a cap, glove, or bat are easier to borrow.