Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Supporting the introverted child

SAHM, thanks for sharing those recommendations.

It's funny your mentioning the balance bike because we're eyeing one for DS for next spring. I saw you mention it on a previous thread and was compelled to investigate further. They look like a good stand-in (no pun intended) for tricycles.

My DD8 is definitely an extrovert, as she's energized by being around other people and being the center of attention... but she has exhibited all the same behaviors indicated in the OP, of needing time and space to acclimate to new environments, activities, and especially, people. This was obvious even as an infant, when we had to insist that nobody pick her up until she indicated she was ready for them.

When meeting new kids in a park-like situation, she's been slow and reluctant to warm to some, and instantly fell in love with others (with the attendant heartbreak when it was time to leave). In the former situations, what helped her ease through them was the fact that she was playing with me, so that gave her something of a security blanket while she continued to ponder the new social situation. If one of the other kids tried to talk to her and she ignored them, I'd gently prompt her to respond, and I'd also clue her into some social cues she might have missed ("Hey, that kid wants to play with you"), but otherwise, she'd get no pressure from me, and I'd just let the situation develop organically.

Sometimes the other kids were more interested in playing with me than with DD.

Until fairly recently, this described my DD8 perfectly.

Of course, we knew the difference between perfectionism and introversion because of the way she behaved with us, and with people she was already comfortable with. Her extroversion shone brightly there.

My DD14 didn't really ENJOY interactions with other children until she was about 10yo.

Even then, it was mostly on a limited basis, and resulted in a lot of frustration for quite superficial interactions, ultimately.

The first time I saw evidence of her own internally-constructed self-advocacy was when she, at 11mo, turned, planted both feet, and put BOTH palms squarely in front of her, shouting "NO!" The aggressor (a boy about 13mo) tumbled to the ground after colliding with her outstretched arms, which is apparently exactly what she intended.

I was mortified that my child had been involved in a "physical altercation" until the teacher explained the situation with a great deal of glee-- apparently this other child had been pursuing her for DAYS when she finally "snapped," given that she'd unsuccessfully tried using verbal and nonverbal means to get him to leave her alone. So she tried passive-- but assertive-- resistance. This is the day that she got her nickname of Little Ghandi. She can seem passive and easy-going to a fault, but she DOES have boundaries, and she will enforce them.

My DD was frequently terrorized by roaming children with food. They refused to respect boundaries-- and their parents were not responsive, either. It ruined the park for us for many years-- and even the library, as it happened. Being "hugged" by overly friendly children covered in a food allergen wasn't my idea of a good time-- nor my daughter's, either.

Eventually, I realized that my DD wasn't pining for contact with other children. All this was doing was giving us both PTSD. (Which I realize sounds extreme, but imagine your own preschooler being chased by a peer holding a deadly weapon and then I think it makes more sense.) She was quite happy by herself, for the most part, and she certainly wasn't learning to be a spoiled brat simply by virtue of not being chased or assaulted by peers. Even as a teen, she will choose NO interaction over negative peer interactions. We talk a lot about boundaries and instincts.

We backed completely off of group activities unless they were HIGHLY structured (classes like KinderMusic were fine), and slowly re-entered that milieu once DD was about 7yo.

Introverts really can take-it-or-leave-it with social interactions. We don't need it or crave it.

This is certainly more than possible. DD was very shy and more than a little cautious in public until she was around 33 months then she came out of her shell. She was definitely not a shrinking violet at home so I knew her public introvert persona was not all that "authentic." I think a lot of that had to do with perfectionism.

What worries me though, is that maybe DD is actually more of an introvert who is trying to be an extravert. I was an introvert as a child but learned to be an extrovert because teachers expected me to take on leadership roles. I was always so exhausted and didn't want anything to do with friends after school most days. It's tiring pretending to be someone you're not.

After reading Dude, HK, and Mana's kind replies, I feel like I need to reevaluate my earlier assumptions about introversion. I'm going to spend some time carefully observing DS this week to ensure I'm not conflating perfectionism/sensitivity with introversion.

The vast majority of DS' time is spent one-on-one with me. With me (and DH), he craves constant interaction. If left to his own devices, he'll seek out conversation, collaboration, and intensive socialization. He will ask to be read to for hours on end, will invite me into an imaginary scenario he's concocted, or will volunteer to help me performing a household task. Whether this represents genuine extraversion or a need for considerable stimulation is up in the air, as far as I'm concerned. We literally talk about new material all.the.time. He even talks about this stuff in his sleep! (Last night, he said in his sleep, "Belugas are mammals and they drink their Mummies' milk.")

When around other young children (or my in-laws...LOL!) he alternately plays Goodall or recoils from their company in horror.

When around new adults, he will either hang back with me or voluntarily shake their hand and introduce himself. In almost all cases, adults talk down to him, so he loses interest in their company. Ditto on initiating contact with older children (5+), but we tend to have more success with this group because they lack the self-awareness to tailor their speech to his age, so he hears 5 y/o+ messaging from them.

This stream of consciousness has made me realize that he may be developing a touch of reticence around young children and condescending adults, bordering on misanthropy, regardless of his degree of introversion or his sheer fear of the unpredictability of his age-peers. Hmm. BTDT. It is hereby resolved that we will do minimal age-peer play for a few weeks to see how his public behaviour changes.

Sounds as though you have a good plan. Keep in mind that introversion and extroversion are often oversimplified, as if person is only one of those. In truth, the traits associated with both extremes are numerous and vary among individuals. So, for example, I am very comfortable in small group settings or even with large groups that I know are "friendly;" yet small talk at my child's school events is extremely draining (I avoid it like the plague). My husband, on the other hand, enjoys that type of event but craves silence in the home to recharge his batteries (not easy with two small children!).

I think you make a good point, ConnectigDots. More than anything, I just want to know if what I'm seeing in DS is reactive or reflective of a temperamental tendency. Thanks for the feedback.

Update: It was sensitivities masquerading as introversion, combined with a lack of appreciation that other age-peers aren't as verbal as him. I think, for a time, DS actually thought some of his contemporaries were insane when they didn't listen to his requests, and he responded to them with fear. After all, they were unpredictable to him. I sat back and watched him more closely in these interactions, and he was noticeably doing perspective-taking, but with an adult reaction as his template!

We took a few weeks away from all activities around age-peers and immersed DS2 in social time with adults. After a month, DS is now the cheerful socialite he was previously. He now walks up to people, shakes their hands, and introduces himself again. He's also developed what I like to think of as street smarts, and he will physically retaliate in a non-violent, defensive manner if people get too close for comfort. So, this might involve holding out a hand to block someone approaching him if a verbal request to stay back isn't respected, or a tae kwon do forearm block if someone tries to touch him without his permission.

I now explain to him if interactions with age-peers go sideways that the other individual likely doesn't understand him. He looks like a little Goodall sometimes, standing to the side and observing age-peers with a scrutinizing gaze. I think he's built a mental model of how 2 year olds normally interact, and he now has different expectations for social ability with children than adults. A screechy kid gets met with an eye roll and "we don't behave like that" now, whereas before he would have retreated in fear. This is progress!!

hee - i think i still do that...