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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 848
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 848 |
Aquinas, have you read "Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World that Won't Stop Talking," by Susan Cain yet? I found it to be very enlightening and helpful in understanding which situations affect me (and DH, and the boys) most and how to balance those out with decompression/quiet time.
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513 |
oh! and i just remembered an observation DD once made about "park friends" that might help. she said that park friends are not the same as real friends. YES! DS said the same thing! ...and btw - i completely empathize with you on that "cute" comment - DD used to announce she needed to "go away to manage her feelings" in that kind of situation and i've seen a few of those responses, too. they made me want to SCREAM! Yes here too! SCREAMING right along with you. It took me a LONG time to realize what the real issue on the table was... There is a tremendous amount of pressure for children to play well together (with same aged children) at really early ages. This is a complete myth. These early interactions you want to be positive as your child is shaping how the world works and his/her role in it. That individual friendship worked WAAAAYYY more wonders than anything he will get out of a park at this age. He doesn't need to learn group dynamics right now, that comes later. I think he is learning more from you than he'll get out of the younger kids until he starts school. You really are doing a phenomenal job. He sounds like he is learning to advocate for himself, can recognize his personal comfort limits, and can express his ideas. He also knows if his boundaries are not respected - RUN! This is a really great lesson to have learned. Protecting his boundaries is a main component of parenting at this age. It's ok. Don't feel bad about it. It gets better. Portia, many many thanks for everything you said. As a SAHM, it's wonderful to have a sanity check and receive external validation. You and doubtfulguest are officially my speed-dial ladies.  It's reassuring to hear you validate my own thoughts about the lack of value in socializing with age peers when reciprocity is all but impossible. I couldn't agree more about the importance of socialization being a positive experience. We're starting to see the balance tip in favour of fear, which I would like to reverse by being quite selective with playmates. I just spent the evening protecting boundaries like a mama bear with the in-laws, who have zero concept of personal space. Three hours with the in-laws feels like three months of root canals. (Mana, if you're reading this, now I need that drink.) 
What is to give light must endure burning.
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513 |
He also knows if his boundaries are not respected - RUN! This is a really great lesson to have learned. Protecting his boundaries is a main component of parenting at this age. It's ok. Don't feel bad about it. It gets better. oh, yes, what a beautiful thing that is to see, isn't it! way back in the day, it warmed my heart every time i'd heard from the teachers at Montessori that DD had spread her little arms in the playground and clearly stated, "DO NOT TOUCH MY BODY!" i used to joke that these boundaries were good training for being a teenager... but all jokes aside, it's just so key for kids (and especially introverts, who may prioritize blending in) to really know their own minds. Yes to everything here.
What is to give light must endure burning.
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513 |
I need a red phone here with a direct line to you sometimes, it seems.
I'm now starting to appreciate the logic of parents of HG+ children having another child, in part, so the firstborn has a natural playmate. (A LOT of assumptions feed into that statement, though.) hee! that's lovely. red phone/PM me anytime! and yeah - now that i'm homeschooling anyway, i frequently think "if i'd had another..." but honestly, this one was ENOUGH. i rarely say this (thought i think i have to y'all here) the main reason we didn't have two is that this one is beyond exhausting. i was so relieved when i started to research giftedness that the high-intensity is a real thing - for years, i thought i was just really weak! Definitely not weak. Parenting DS is a 20-hour-a-day job with no sick leave. I imagine its similar with your DD. But this job has the best benefits in the world, and I get to kiss my "boss" good morning every day as he looks up at me with his bright eyes. If I'm never able to have another child, I will still feel completely fulfilled, because DS is giving me the experience of parenting three "normal" children!
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513
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OP
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513 |
Aquinas, have you read "Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World that Won't Stop Talking," by Susan Cain yet? I found it to be very enlightening and helpful in understanding which situations affect me (and DH, and the boys) most and how to balance those out with decompression/quiet time. Thanks for the recommendation, CommectingDots. Haven't read it yet, but I'm adding that title to my Christmas list! Much appreciated.
What is to give light must endure burning.
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 882
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 882 |
aquinas, I'm sending you a virtual slice of triple chocolate cheesecake drenched in kahlua sauce along with a drink.
My DD is an extrovert so our struggle is a little different but I certainly feel your pain. DD keeps on getting burnt and it's hard to watch. It got worse for us after she turned 2 but I don't think it has to be that way. I thought I had to make DD get along with age-peers at all cost. I didn't want her to be one of those "weird" children who only knew how to get along with much older children and adults.
In many ways, we're still trying and it's still not working well. I guess we don't learn very quickly. DD seems to have made some progress with age-peers. She's learned to stay away and if they as in the trouble makers come seeking her attention, she ignores them or gives them the death stare. If we were to do this all over again, I think I'd have tried harder to convince SO that she needed to be in a 3-6 Montessori classroom when she was 2. She was potty trained and she was socially, emotionally, and cognitively ready. There wasn't much point in holding her back.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 136
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 136 |
DS (5) was similar at that age, still is with unknown children. This..
"When presented with new activities, even one-on-one with me, he prefers to see the process from start to finish before actively engaging. Then, once his understanding of the activity or concept is well formed, he dives in confidently and enthusiastically and performs effectively flawlessly"
...was perfectionism related for DS.
Socially at that age our best bet was one in one with selected children, preferably ones with older siblings, adults, adolescents and some formal groups. Grade 1 now and like a different child socially at school (very comfortable), compared with being at the park with unknown children.
It's a tricky age when your peer group can't really talk/understand you...
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 251
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We have had similar issues with group activities, even though DS is an extrovert. Honestly, repetition has become a major issue too. We have recently cut music due to repetition, even though he loves music... He doesn't love music class. We have had luck with parenttoddler gymnastics, where he has the illusion of being around age peers, who are very closely supervised, but the teacher can differentiate for him and fully demonstrate what is to be done.
We have had two things work well...
One is a family with an age peer and older sibling who are very verbal. DS follows the older sibling and the age peer follows DS. They have very attentive parents, so I suspect that is pretty key.
The other is his Strider Balance Bike. He rides well now and at the park can keep up with the older kids. They just ride around and don't talk much but he loves it. In the Spring, he will be getting a bike with pedals, no training wheels, and I suspect this will help even more. The other kids just assume he is much older than he is.
I have given up trying to push him into playing traditionally with age peers. YMMV.
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513 |
Mana, thanks for the reassurance...and virtual treats! On a side note, it's too bad you aren't here with us for Canadian Thankagiving, because I think you'd enjoy our dinner!
What is to give light must endure burning.
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,513 |
Bobbie, it's interesting that you picked up on the perfectionism element of the behaviour. After reading a few articles on Hoagies, I almost wonder if sensitivities and perfectionism can masquerade as introversion in a very young child. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.
What is to give light must endure burning.
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