Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Playing with peers, play styles.....

It seems to me that there are two different (and equally important) dimensions to finding a play partner:

a) points/domains of commonality-- interests, goals, etc.

b) similar developmental readiness/needs.


Otherwise, this isn't actually a two-way 'friendship' at all. My DD had no actual "friends" until she was in her teens. The latter reason was a problem with peers who had commonalities with her on point a, and adults (who have a better understanding of the social give-and-take of authentic relationships) didn't really share her interests much of the time, or didn't take her seriously as a child.


I vividly recall playdates and opportunistic interactions with other children... my DD was always polite and reasonably gracious with agemates, but it definitely wasn't doing anything for HER. Other kids loved her, because she was the perfect friend, basically...

but she seldom sought interactions with children that she'd gotten to know. She was indifferent, mostly-- at least emotionally. Most of them (and their parents, for that matter) would have been shocked to learn that, however.

She was like a tolerant, benevolent older sister or favorite babysitter on some level. But it wore her out. Particularly the penchant for most kids under ten to be inflexible/incapable of perspective-taking enough to flex THEIR play preferences in any way. She got tired of playing the same thing. time. after. time. after. time... because it was boring.

She knew that those playmates couldn't go where she would rather have gone, in terms of play, so she didn't impose her preferences on them... she would just get tired of it and wander away after a bit rather than losing her temper when a playmate refused to respond to, "I'm kind of tired of playing _______ now."

DS4.9 plays well with age peers when it's physical activities but can't relate to them much with other play. He wants to go into too much detail and the other kids just stare at him not knowing what he's talking about. He usually tells me they don't understand him. He LOVES being around kids 3-4 years older. Always tells me how excited he was to play with them. I used to play with kids 2-3 years older all the time when I was his age and didn't find much in common with kids my age so I don't push him. He gets along well with everyone and loves being with other kids. But prefers older ones so they can actually "talk".

My son is 15. When he was in kindergarten he talked to the teachers at recess about the things he read in his science encyclopedia instead of playing with other kids. Reading and learning was what he enjoyed most. Kindergarten was only half day and he had plenty of time to learn what he wanted to learn at home with me or visiting a science museum. His friends in musical theater were several years older. They understood his jokes and puns and didn't care about his age or that he didn't do sports. He didn't fit in as well with the kids in cub scouts because of the required physical activities but he stayed in it until he crossed over into boy scouts and was no longer interested in being in something where he could not progress without doing things that caused him physical pain and where he didn't really fit in anyway.

He didn't fit in at Sunday school. He told me they taught lessons with sports analogies. The kids all talked about sports or hunting. He was not interested in having friends that only allowed him to talk about things they were interested in like sports or hunting. At church he noticed that adults were saying things that conflicted with his life experiences and they didn't like it when he asked questions. He noticed their judgmental attitudes. I think he felt judged because he was different from the typical kids his age. He never made any friends there.

He made me realize recently that we didn't really have many friends, only people we used to know when he did musical theater. So many friendships are based only on the activities they share. He used to get invited to birthday parties and he stayed overnight with friends. My son has not been around any kids for over a year now. My husband and son think that it is not a bad thing to be a loner, but I see how much fun my adult daughter has because she has so many friends and it makes me sad that my son can't experience that.

Since we have homeschooled since he finished kindergarten, we are always together. I still enjoy doing things with my son because the older he gets, the more interesting he is to talk to. He took over finding the best educational videos to go along with what he is learning because I wasn't as good at it. He teaches me something every day. Yesterday he asked me if I had ever experienced "sonder." He says he often does and it is the reason he likes to go to places where there are a lot of people. He likes to people watch. He likes to be around people, yet he is a loner. He is an introvert and does not like being forced into social activities. My very social daughter says I should not force him. She says she doesn't associate with people she has nothing in common with and that he will find people he has things in common with when he is in college.

So, I guess in our case it did not improve with age but part of the reason was circumstances beyond our control.