Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Playing with peers, play styles.....

I am curious about this. My kid plays with his peers, but given a choice, he would much rather play with an adult or an older kid. Also, my kid's play style seems different from his peers -- some of them are in the superheroes phase (for example). My kid prefers to talk about stuff, how things work, and when someone told him yesterday to go play (on the equipment), he said, "But, I am playing". His latest thing to do is pun with words -- makes for very interesting conversation, but most kids his age are not interested in punning with words.

So, what I am trying to ask is, does this improve with age ? He is now in K. He does not seem fazed too much that other kids don't play like him, some days, he gets them to play his games, some days he does play superheroes with them. I do think that he will start noticing the differences in play styles as he grows older. Of course, there are still things he plays with them (building blocks, legos, playing tag, bike riding etc). He tells me that he does not have anyone to play/talk about the solar system (we came up with a silly game where we pretend to go to various planets/moons based on clues given) or talk about bugs. I asked him if it bothers him and he said he is fine playing those with me.

It seems to be hard for him to find a friend. He has friends, but treats them more like acquaintances. He does not seem to go to school, super excited to meet a friend, though. He does seem super excited to see me at the end of the school day, so we can "play properly".

We found with our 2E boy (now 10) that we needed to cultivate the skill of being interested in what interests others. This didn't mean shutting off his own interests, but reading situations: realizing that other children on the playground may not be interested in obscure astronomy facts, and recognizing that their games are fun too.

We made it a priority to put DS into situations where he could learn this skill set (Cub Scouts...) and to work on at least knowing the minimum about locally important topics (football...). We are seeing a huge payoff on this investment. He is still him-- still wildly interested in things his peers have no interest in, not going to be a football player or win any popularity contests-- but he is much better at hooking into conversations and making social connections.

For the stuff that really moves him, we did find a high schooler to serve as science tutor this year-- more peer-like than mom or dad, and a great role model with whom to talk freely about high-level topics.

We are hoping as he moves from elementary into middle and high school we will be able to find more like-minded peers. But we are happy that he also knows how to engage with other kids, regardless of interest. We think of it as "protective coloring."

DeeDee

I am not sure if it ever really does change much. My DD was always a writer. She would write lists, books, endlessly. She would copy books. She has made up some of her own fascinating stories. She somehow managed to persuade 4 other girls in her classroom to group up with her and do a book club. They read and discuss their books at recess and they often spend time making their own books. I am so happy and grateful that she found some kindred spirits in her classroom. And I don't foresee her choice of play changing much in the near future. Last night she made a book of puzzles. Then she sat down with her dad and challenged him to complete them. She does this sort of stuff CONSTANTLY. It is her "play".

I remember taking my son when he was younger to the playground and he was completely baffle that after he set up this elaborate play situation with his younger brother and some complete strangers that they were pirates storming a castle on an island (the play equipment looked castle-like) because it was talk like a pirate day...he didn't get why after ten minutes one of the kids was roaring like a bear and then another kid morphed into something else. But it was talk like a pirate day and they were ruining it. I bet to this day he could still work up a head of steam about that. He is so glad to be a teen who doesn't have to play anymore with kids who won't play "right".

I have just been thinking about this a lot. Ds6 (just finished k) had a hard time with this. He does like Star Wars and Ninjago, but more to know everything about it. Then he uses this to play with other kids. I think some kids didn't like this (Esp when ds would read their books to them.) he then tried excessive silliness, because he does wants kids to play with him.

When swim team started, I found him standing in the corner by himself. This week, he was with boys 2-3 years older with similar swimming ability; it was great. He was acting like himself. Yesterday, we went to a co- worker's pool party with 5 other families (none of the kids knew each other). Ds played with every single kid 2yrs- 10yrs. He made up pool games, swam, was himself.

I'm trying to work on helping him learn a few things: he can have different friends for different reasons, people should like you for you- you don't have to change to fit in, finding a "real" friend.

On one hand, Iknow he needs to relate/ be able to talk to age peers. Helping him learn some of that is a good thought- my ds is self- motivated about that for now. But, I am so happy and relieved to have my sweet, fun boy back! I'm scared for school next year. (This year, he just felt so bad. He thought all the kids hated him.)

I will be following this thread to hear thoughts/ ideas.

Btw, my ds also LOVES playing with me or dh- esp one on one.
So, I have no advice. I need advice/ ideas in this area as well.

Deedee, this is especially helpful. Other than Cub Scouts, what other activities have you tried ? I am looking for ideas.

I don't want him to conform, for the sake of conforming, but I do want him to have good friends, as he grows older. Yesterday, he asked another boy whether the other boy wanted to race, but the other boy refused. So, even for regular things at the playground, he sometimes plays alone. Yesterday he just decided to race against himself (and timed his races, with my help). Which is good (that he is not fazed by rejection), but I wish he had a peer group going.



This is something I have as a goal for my child, so your post was especially helpful (and reassuring) to read.


Kelly, yes, but does she change her play to suit others ? Or, does she play their way for 20 minutes and then does her own thing ?


My son says this a lot -- he wishes that he could just play his way.


Yes, all of this, down to reading to know more about the subject at hand.

I will continue to expose him more kids, varied interests, throughout the summer, and hope it improves with explicit instructions and practice (when we are out and about)

When my DS6 was a toddler he seemed to be a bit confused and startled by these "creatures". He never wanted to play with anyone his age. Once he went to school he took on a role of big brother to his peers. He enjoyed helping them with their work, and the kids really looked up to him. Now he is in a class with older kids and he still is like the big brother and still helping the kids (although he doesn't like doing this as much now). At least now he has met a couple of kids who are nearly on his level with some things.

However, we are best friends We stay up on weekends and watch documentaries together, go to the museum, or play grown up board games. It's nice.

We have gotten different mileage out of different things.

Cub Scouts was great for expanding the range of things he can do and likes to do with others. He was not born outdoorsy; but has become a capable camper and player-in-the-woods. This is nice because the Scout activities were both structured (giving a role to everyone, socially easy) and included free time (harder; but you're already in the group).

Destination Imagination has been amazing for teamwork and creative thinking, learning to respect someone else's idea and work with it. I coached the team, so I could support DS (and the other kids) in how to do this. It also fosters a feeling of accomplishment (because there is a competitive tournament at the end), making the team thing feel worth while.

There is also children's choir. Choir is a low-investment service activity; he isn't always thrilled to rehearse (though he likes performing); but we emphasize that everyone should have one thing they do to use their talents for others.

We also explicitly taught sports skills. We parents do not give a hoot about sports, but in our part of the country, it is an obligatory skill set, especially for a boy. You need to know the rules of the games, you need to be able to throw and catch a football or maneuver a soccer ball. We found out what they played at recess in the grades above where he was, and worked on the constituent skills till he had them. He does now play with other kids in their games-- this was a social win for us.


Cultivating that flexibility and interest in many things seems like a way to help him find some ways to connect. At least, that has been our strategy.


In our particular corner of 2E world (autism spectrum) the common reading of that kind of thing is that it's inflexibility. Of course everyone should get to play their own way some of the time; but people should also adapt to one another, too. It's a valuable life skill IMO.

DeeDee

mom2one,

When my ds was in preschool, his interests were not in line with those of the other kids. This item in your post rings especially true:

"My kid prefers to talk about stuff, how things work..."

(Sorry about my ungifted tendencies in the formatting department. I keep meaning to figure out how to make those nice boxes when quoting.)

As he has gotten older, he has found more common ground with his peers, in part because they are "catching up" in a certain way and in part because his own social skills are expanding. Now (he is 8) the other kids share a love of Minecraft, Pokemon, chess, strategy games, and so on. And he has learned to play many variations on tag, now loves four square, etc. He still does not relate to other kids in a completely typical way--but when they're talking about Minecraft (for hours each day), you'd never know. He also is getting much better at figuring out what makes sense with any given individual--ie., he doesn't bother bringing up Minecraft trivia with a kid who he knows does not know anything about the game. (Two years ago, I'm sure he would have tried to launch into a conversation about HIS topic of interest, regardless who he was talking to.)

In part, I think all of this has been a natural progression of social development for him and intellectual development for some of his peers. In part, we have explained things to him. Ie., "Hang on a sec--We were just talking about X. It's really jarring if you jump in about Y. You need to say something about X first and then--especially if you can find something that relates to Y--you can change the subject." His friends, also, have been great in training him (mostly the vastly more mature girls). I once overheard this: "I have no idea what you're talking about. You need to start at the beginning."

We parents (and other adults) still have a lot of conversations with him that I don't think he'd have with a peer, but as he gets older, he's also finding the other really bright kids at his school (and elsewhere).

In short, we've done some explicit decoding of common "rules" to help him navigate the social world--and he's also picked up on many of these things on his own. In the meantime, at least some interests of his peers have dovetailed with his (and at least some of his classmates are similarly passionate about particular games and topics).

Oh--and yes, activities like soccer (recreational, not super competitive) are great. That kind of thing creates a framework where the kids all care about the same thing, at least temporarily--and the team-building skills, especially for kids who are used to one-on-one conversations with adults, is terrific for "rounding out" in general. I have always been surprised at how much our son loves soccer. Of course, there have been many times (also getting much better with age) where he's on the field and clearly thinking about base 2 numbers or the elliptical orbit of Pluto. But it's been very cool to see him so engaged in the game, so into the team--and to watch the amazing improvements in all aspects of his skills (related to focus on the game as well as manipulating the ball, noticing where his teammates are on the field, etc.).