Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Sore loser

i'm not sure if this will help, but i've used a river analogy very successfully with DD5.

me: let's think of this another way. you're going on a walk through the woods and you come to a river. how will you cross it?
DD5: i would jump.
me: ok, now let's say you walk a little further and you come to a river that is too wide to jump. how will you cross it?
DD5: i would swim.
me: ok - think about swimming for a minute. is that a single action? can you do it all in one step?
DD5: no. you need a lot of little strokes.
me: right - so [X thing] is like a wide river. you need to do all the steps and every one of them matters. they're all connected and they eventually add up to get you to the other side.

at this point, all i have to say is "River!" and she'll giggle and the mood will reset, which is pretty good for a kid who thought that taking a month to master 4 years of reading levels was evidence she was "bad at reading."

My DS7 has had trouble with wanting to quit games where he gets far behind. Just today, he wanted to quit a game of Yahtzee with me because I was 50 points ahead. I asked him to please finish the game so that he could practice his sportsmanship no matter what happens. He looked dubious, but he finished the game anyway.

I was so proud of him!

Haha. Sounds like he has had a little breakthrough, skateycat. DS4 and I were playing chess the other day and when it started going bad for him he said he wanted to play without Kings. Madness!

Six is a tender age to begin with. I would probably take a common sense approach with him.

First I would simply explain that chess is a game and like every other game, there is a winner and a loser. Not everyone wins 100% of the time and not everyone loses 100% of the time.

When he is playing and he starts losing and wants to quit, I would ask him how it would make him feel if no one else ever wanted to play chess against him if they knew they couldn't win.

If he can't make the natural connection to the example and his own attitude, I would make the connection for him by explaining that how he would feel is how other people feel when he won't finish the game to completion because he fears he might not win (or he foresees he might not win).

I would tell him that chess is like any other academic topic he is interested in and that he will learn a lot by playing against people who have higher skill sets and can beat him.

Sure winning is fun, but losing can be viewed as an opportunity to get better, rather then a negative experience.

I think sportsmanship has to be taught to every child, it isn't usually a natural personality trait. The perfectionism in gifted kids just make situations such as this a little bit more sensitive then normal because you want to teach them to be good sports without turning off their love for an activity.

I think in time he will probably understand and accept what you are trying to convey.

I made a little breakthrough by using manipulation lol. I explained to him that since he had already entered the comp, if he quits then he has definitely finished last. Whereas, if he plays he might finish 1st, 10th, or 50th- only quitting guarantees last place. Well, he didn't like that idea and wants to continue

Just to add, I've been thinking about it, my son is only like this about chess. I can't really think of another situation in which he has acted like this (mind you, he doesn't really have many interactive activities).

If you think he is going to be rude or throw a tantrum at the tournament it might be better if he does withdraw.

Eta. I don't see my youngest ever being able to cope with losing.

Awesome! You found his logical loop hole!

Ches sis just tough for this, I think. My DS5 is generally a good sport (he's a game addict), but he often cries when he loses at chess. He's not a snotty bad sport, but a weepy one. (Both are unpleasant, IMO.) He will be able to compete next year in K through school, and I'm wondering if he's really mature enough yet. To some extent, though, I think this may come with practice. I wonder if you have any coaches or chess...leagues (sorry, don't yet know the terminology) in the area where experienced adults could offer some advice? I wonder if playing some other kids at something less charged than a competition might be a better starting point? You don't want him to get turned off. I say this having seen a friend's (highly competitive) child compete recently in something different, lose, and declare that he never wants to enter something like that again.

It probably is, lol. (sigh)