Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Managing Your Own Overexcitabilities?

I never had IQ testing done as a child, but probably would fall in the PG range. I skipped a grade and was still valedictorian senior year, despite skipping school a lot. (Unfortunately, then went on the not-so-good in college trajectory that seems to be common in kids who never learn how to learn.)

I've always been extremely sensitive/empathetic to other's feelings.

Unfortunately, my son (4) seems to share this characteristic. When we have a good day, it's really good. But when we have a bad day, it's really bad. We feed off the negative or positive energy.

I assume that there are plenty of gifted adults on this forum as well and was wondering if anyone has good tips for managing your own overexcitabilities? I've only recently learned of the concept.

It's taken me 46 years... lol.

Actually what's helped me a lot was realizing that I can calm my kids down by calming myself down. It's seriously taken me forever to figure this out though. It's one thing to understand the theory behind it, but to actually execute it (and feel the calmness and control) is quite another thing altogether.

Btw my kids are 10 and 8, and we're the calmest we've ever been. Last night I was at school and poor DH had to contend with a sibling battle that I could have extinguished handily in about 3 minutes. HOWEVER... when my DD was four like your son (my DS would have been 2.5), that was not the case, lol. Oh, chaos...

You could try deep breathing exercises, maybe... like if the two of you start to escalate, step away and concentrate on slowing your breathing. This is assuming you remember in the heat of the moment... that was always my problem: my emotions always trumped my desire to control them (whatever I was feeling seemed more important than the idea of calming down).

Hang in there - it gets better

I definitely fall into this category - it is almost as though DD and I are parts of the same Pando tree grove LOL

It is hard to manage because the intensity when it is good is so great so I wouldn't want to lose that - learning how to be catatonic would calm things down I suppose but at what cost? I too would welcome any help here...

our whole family has this problem: DD5, her dad, and me. it can make for horrendous days - the handy thing is that for some reason, i've been aware that i've been actively managing this problem pretty much my whole life. i think as a kid i must have seen how different i was from everyone around me and worked out some strategies? the very best tool i have is mindfulness: simply to acknowledge the system failure (with a smile) and then reset.

my husband and kid had a very tough time for the first few years - the negative thoughts/reactions between them were very extreme, but over time they are beginning to notice their big feelings/big reactions and redirect to an alternate behaviour. we're not at the point where they're preempting the explosions - but i am sure that's on its way. i was personally completely terrible at this for about 25 years and still have to remind myself daily!

My DD and I are clones. We also have the stereotypically Celtic temperment of volatility, everyone in the house is opinionated and assertive about his/her autonomy, and it's like living in a nest of dragons at the best of times.

Add hormonal issues into this mix and it becomes truly terrifying for DH to walk into some days.

When it's good, it's very, very good... and when it's bad...


it really IS like a troupe of Howler Monkeys on the loose. Screaming tantrums are not unknown all around-- because each and every one of us is completely capable of PUSHING the other two into it. And does so. Regularly.

The thing is, if you love one another and can laugh together, this kind of dynamic can actually work and be functional and healthy-- for some people, that is. We are NOT "sensitive" people in an emotional sense... other than a few particular nerve endings.

Conflict isn't bad. Conflict resolution skills and forgiveness are good skills to have, after all. Where better to develop those things than with people you trust? DD knows that we love her absolutely unconditionally and that there is quite literally NOTHING that we wouldn't do for her. But she also knows that there is a huge difference between her needs and her wants, and that we're not here to serve her every whim. HA.

I'm 'bad cop' by the way-- because I'm in my DD's head. I always know, and Dad... well, let's just say that she's Daddy's little girl and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The happiest sound in the world for me is the sound of the two of them laughing like maniacs-- even if it's at me.

Jinx CCN (same age)...

I've been playing with this catalyst theory on giftedness. When the input is wonky (OE, visual processing, auditory, etc.) the brain has to build up internal executive control to not fall apart. So introspection and self-tuning because necessary internal skills to survive, that are also highly useful for intelligence.

Before I was maybe 11-12, I coped with emotional OEs by swapping in "safer" emotions. When there is no anger, only fury, something has to be different. Sad and afraid traded for fury is not a great long-term solution. I realized I couldn't blunt the extremes, but perhaps I could use the nudging introspective process to alter the filters. I've found that works really well for me.

In pre-teen to early teen years that meant a lot of self-observation: why did I react that way? what value am I applying that that makes me angry? what did I say that got that reaction? etc.

That transitioned into questions like "is there a vantage point to view this where I don't get angry?" and then I worked on reliving unpleasant situation/reactions and looking at it through my revised perspective until I could experience the event without feeling angry. Memory is malleable like that and tuning things has a pay-it-forward effect as the new applied filter will work in similar cases in the future.

Example someone insults my mom. Classically anyone gets angry, but the OEs get furious. Refiltering: They don't know my mother. They are trying to manipulate me into an emotional reaction. New filter: The attempt is pathetic, the only emotion needed here is a twinge of pity with a dash of disgust.

Lots of stuff like that, pretty much automatic now. It is rare nowadays that I have an out of proportion reaction. And those still get analyzed and interpreted.

I also discovered a book on meditation around that time and definitely that was very useful for deep dives.

Nice thing with rewriting filters is even when tired you don't have the risks that people with walls have. On the other hand OE empathy isn't as easy, because I want that ability. For empathy, when tired I can't deal with people who are out there in their emotions at a minimum I just can't look at them. When not tired, I try to keep up on what my authentic emotional state is and not get overly drawn into someone else's, particularly as some people seem like psychic vampires with emotions .

I'm like you and your DS. I pick up on the undercurrent and it affects me greatly. I wish I had some quality advice for you and your child, but I really don't. I've found that avoidance (mentally and physically) are the only things that work for me. This isn't always manifested in a healthy manner, unfortunately.

Some find peace in meditation...I didn't. I found peace in medication.

This is beautiful.

(My emphasis)

So true. I hate when I'm out running errands for instance and stumble upon one of these people. Sometimes they don't even have to say a word to me; I know them anyway. If I'm in a store and they are in line ahead of me, I will change lines...I admit.

What is worse are the employees who are "otherly". (my word) One example is an employee of our local Subway sandwich shop. She "knows" me and did at first sight. Creeps me out and I'm happy to say she's no longer working there.

Sorry if this is too esoteric for some. It is what it is.

Someone on another message board gave me what I thought was really good advice when I mentioned my problem with being overly sensitive to other people's pain, especially my son's. He always picks up on my emotions and he is having a surgery that comes with a long, painful recovery period. She said I would have to become a really good actress. I have been trying so hard, but the harder I tried the worse it got and then came the monster tornado and now it seems even more impossible.

The only thing I seem to be able to do is let the awful feelings run their course and get to a point where I am numb. So much has happened lately that I am able to do this and do what I need to do.