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I think you know him better than the therapists.

I think people on this forum should be aware that highly intelligent children are in danger of being diagnosed with conditions they don't actually have, which can lead to seriously damaging "therapy" and "services".

Our approach has been to avoid any situation that could lead to "diagnosis" in the first place. And steer clear of places like preschools where some people are itching to attach labels to atypical children.

Problem is, with public school therapy I don't have much say in what's going on there. Their big thing from day one was to get him to sit at their little table next to two other little kids he has a 30 minute joint therapy with (speech & OT). There is no way he would sit in a chair so I just bring him in a stroller because he's more comfortable in the stroller. I told them to NOT put him too close to the kids. It will make him very uncomfortable and he will probably snap. Last week, the first time when he was there without me they came back and the therapist said ... oh, we had a little incident where DS hit the boy next to him, the boy hit him back and they just started swinging at each other. So I said I told you not to put him too close and their response was oh, we put him further away but he still managed to reach the other boy. Clearly, giving him 5" or 10" more than usual is NOT going to do it! You want him to cooperate, just let him sit alone! It's not that he doesn't want to be with other kids at all but he prefers to sit or stand alone and just observe other kids and eventually he moves closer to them and plays nearby. I told them upfront to NOT do any repetition with him. It drives him crazy! He remembers what they want, he just doesn't show it and ignores them. It has nothing to do with needing repeated tasks . It's that kind of thing that drives him crazy. Because of his autism diagnosis they are pushing him to use pictures. He completely loses it over things like that. He is using language at home quite well to communicate. He is now speaking in full sentences at home as long as he's comfortable. I honestly think when he sees those pictures he takes it as an insult! lol

Their main goal is to get him to "comply" and be able to sit at a table and do the school tasks. I get that. BUT he just turned 3! Clearly our goals differ because our main goal for him is to be happy and relaxed enough to function and communicate. We know he can do it. We see it at home and in other places where he's comfortable.

I agree . I don't want to just ignore the diagnosis just in case it really is autism but if the traditional therapy approach clearly isn't working than that should be a serious red flag for the "professionals", right? The school wanted him in special ed preschool but both my husband and I were absolutely against it. If two sessions a week can cause this much of a disaster, I don't even want to imagine what would happen if he went to preschool 5 days a week! I told the school all this before hand but you know how it is ... I'm just being "that" parent

We have run across lots of teachers and other adults in the "cry it out camp" who believe kids will just "get over it" if parents butt out and let the professionals handle it. This was a bigger problem at younger ages but I have always felt/known this approach to be wrong for my child.

My son is like yours in that if someone tried to force him to do something he would no longer trust that person. He would remember it for months and there would be no going back. From a very early age this was true. Other adults who "knew better" would not believe me despite my instructions and would invariably ruin the opportunity for me to healthfully involve my child in that situation.

I agree whole-heartedly that you need to trust your instincts. This is a bad fit for your child and the therapists are not listening to and respecting you. I don't trust any "professionals" who do not respect a child's parents as fundamental partners in the success of therapy and true experts in who that child is and what he needs.I hope you can make a change that gets more effective results for your goals.

YES! The remembering the negatives for months is what they don't seem to get! The previous speech therapist (through Early Intervention) made that mistake (against my advice of not pushing so hard) and during that session, 3 months before aging out of EI DS completely shut down for her since then would yell at her at the door "Go away! Bye bye!" for weeks! Eventually he would let her in without sending her away so quick but would instead go into a full ignore mood. No matter what she did he would not respond to her. She was only allowed to tickle him and then he'd go back to ignoring her. And she still didn't understand! She asked "what's going on with him?" and I explained to her that he didn't like to be pushed and she said something about that happening weeks ago. And when I replied that yes but he REMEMBERS it she couldn't believe it would have that much effect on him.

He is a classic example of kids who need the Floortime approach. Joining them in what they enjoy not pushing them into other activities. How is it that I have heard and read about Floortime and the therapists haven't? Or perhaps they have and choose not to believe in that therapy style? It's clearly what he needs. That's what I do with him and he's more compliant than DS4.9 who has the need to fight me on everything.

What you just described is about half of the Floortime approach. The other half is really about gradually expanding their boundaries after you've got them engaged. If you just respect their limits, the limits stay narrow. But if you join the child where they are and then stretch their limits, you get growth.

Autism tends to narrow a person's interests and capabilities; IMO the best parenting and/or therapy really does challenge the excessively narrow limits and encourage the child to understand that there's a wider set of possibilities that are safe and okay. That flexibility makes a better life.

DeeDee

Oh, I agree. And I do stretch his limits but in a way that's more comfortable for him. Not by repeated pushing over the limits, which our experience from the past 11 months clearly shows doesn't work for him. Whatever approach is used, it should improve things ... not make everything worse. What good is any therapy when DS and everyone around him ends up being miserable? Two months ago we had a boy that we could take anywhere, he'd enjoy being outside and around other kids (not play with them but still enjoyed their company) and now just getting him into the car is a fight, he'll punch any kid near him, he'll scream and shut down when something bothers him rather than just calmly walk away like he used to. So it's not that we wouldn't expand his limits. We certainly do but in a way that works well for him.

Oh, MK, I feel for you. Sadly I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to offer encouragement. I think your approach of gently meeting your DS at his level is the best way to overcome these challenges. It can be so stressful for sensitive children to be pushed by misguided strangers. Poor little guy!

MoN ... that sounds so much like our case! We go to children's museum, we have play dates, we go to birthday parties, we do all the usual things. DS even enjoys all this as long as he can go to a safe place when he needs to (going to play away from others when they get too loud, climbs into his stroller to play video games and whatever else makes him feel safe and calm). The only place we really have to avoid are public restrooms! lol

We tried private group therapy last fall and that was a fail. He could not stand being so close to the other kids and then one session when the therapists just pushed him too hard and let him cry his little heart out he was done with them and nobody could ever get him back there. We just stopped going at that point as it wasn't helping him and it was making it hard for the other kids to get anything done. Now, 6 months later, he still shivers just walking by that room (it's in the same place where he goes for private speech.)

I really feel like the school therapy is doing a lot more damage than good at this point.

Sometimes I wonder how much of his shyness and anxiety is the result of growing up with his obnoxiously loud and always extremely intense brother? (DS4.9) The little guy loves it when his brother is at school and he gets his 3 hours of quiet.