Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Benign chicanery

We had our first run-in where using what Leta Hollingsorth calls "benign chicanery" would have been helpful. Our (cantankerous) local librarian refused to allow DS17mo to attend the story time hour for older children, but he would be bored stupid by the books the babies are read. While I dislike lying, I can see that creative disclosure of age may be necessary going forward...

How did you address set age limits in extracurriculars (ETA: removed school)? Did you charge ahead and change the system, did you fudge birthdays, or do something else? I'm not particularly troubled by the example I gave, but I would like to have a default strategy going forward.

I'm all ears. (Eyes.)

We have the advantage that our kids are huge for age, so we often just don't get asked the question. When my 3rd was barely two I was being asked "So she's 3.5? 4?"... She would have been a small 4, but her behaviour matched her physical size (er, her congnitive development, not her egotistical 2yr old behaviour). I am not sure how I would have gone lying about my kids age though, because they are so inclined to tell everyone "I'm 3!! That there's a 3, that's my number..." etc. Of course when she was 2 she was declaring that she was 6...

Well personally, I don't like lying...benign or not. It sets an example for your child that it is okay to lie to get what they want or need. If people really aren't going to be flexible about such a minor thing...fine. Go read to him yourself, or invent your own story time with friends. If it is a big thing in the future that matters, advocate, pave the road for others behind, brings reasons forward while it is okay.

And really, for as advanced as your child may be, reading or otherwise...kids love stories, and being read to around other kids. Regardless of age level. I mean my Ds5 is now reading fifth grade books, but he still loves his beginner readers. Those stories, rhymes, and humor still get to him at some level of enjoyment. Just because he can enjoy much higher level reading, doesn't mean he always has too. If he has the full range of possibilities he won't get too board in a once a week setting.

But you child will pick up that is it okay to lie...and that is a slippery slope, imo.

Thanks Mumofthree and phey for sharing your thoughts. Much appreciated.

I've never lied about my son's age, but I HAVE explained his exceptional abilities (both mental and physical) before and had great success with that approach. I would never, ever condone lying about or in front of a child. I agree that if you're not asked, it's fine not to tell for something like this...but I definitely would not "fudge" a child's age in a situation where he/she would know about it. I agree that your child--ESPECIALLY because he is gifted--will learn that it is okay to lie, and you really don't want to set that precedent.

KristinaS, you make excellent points. Thanks for weighing in.

I should note that my son is just a presumptive giftie at this point...

For subsequent posters, let's just keep this question to the realm of casual extracurriculars. I'm playing devil's advocate in my OP, but there is really no substitute for honest advocacy in any serious endeavour.

Thanks!

I have found most things to be more relaxed than that at the pre-school level at least. My older was big for age. When he was four I was told both my kids are small (the youngest is) because they were assuming he was six. My youngest who is a smallish nearly four is usually taken to be a very small nearly five
I wouldn't lie but I would certainly not volunteer his age or ask unless his age is obvious.

aquinas I think if you can just join in, not mention it and successfully "pass" - then ignore the age thing. But I do tend to just wait until we are "allowed" to do things where I have to put age in writing on an enrollment form... Or I hunt around for someone that accepts younger kids (ie my youngest goes to a different ballet school that start from 2, not 3). Her "ballet" is hilarious, but she's having fun...

I am going to be the dissenting opinion here We have jumped age categories before, with the attitude of "ask forgiveness, not permission." I am generally a very law-abiding citizen, but I have a hard time following rules that seem totally arbitrary, as age rules often are. What does it really tell you about my child if you know he is "12"? Does he have the same physical, social, and emotional maturity as all other 12 year olds?

If my child looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I will put him in a story-time with other ducks with no reservation or guilt, and no need to spend a half hour trying to convince the duck librarian to let him join, while the duck librarian secretly rolls her eyes at me and my gifted duckling.

Now, that being said, I've never falsified school documents or anything like that, but in these more informal settings, I don't see any problem with a little benign chicanery. If you had asked me this 12 years ago, I may have answered differently.

sign me,
Lying Liar