Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Feeling Alone

DS4 is currently in the second year of a Montessori preschool program. He's not yet been officially identified as gifted, though I believe that he is.

He's been struggling in the program, stating that the work is too easy, but the teacher says that it's not too easy for him and that he's just not focusing. My perspective is that he doesn't want to do busy work and isn't clicking with the "Montessori process". We have a daily temper tantrum. Just now, he woke up, asked if it was a school day and prompted started crying, saying "I'm never going to go to school."

I started researching ways that I could have him tested for giftedness. So far, I haven't come up with private resources (and from what I gather, those tend to be out of our budget), but a friend mentioned that you could have him tested by the school district if you play up a "worried about cognitive function" angle. So I've done that. Testing is set for March 26.

His teacher has happened to be out all week with a bad back, so I haven't been able to tell her this. Honestly, I'm surprised and a little embarrassed by how fast the ball has gotten rolling because I thought it would take a lot longer. The group scheduled the appointment only an hour after I contacted them. I thought I'd have time to talk to the teacher.

I wrote her a letter detailing my thoughts, but she obviously hasn't gotten it. I talked to the principal because I wanted to give them a heads up that this was happening, and I got a sort of "This is a standard second year slump" speech, though she said that she's fine with me going through with the testing.

They had a parent meeting yesterday about why we should do the third year and I asked "Have you ever had a child who wasn't successful, wasn't a good match?" and I got shock from the teachers, who said "Absolutely not."

I'm getting the standard "Montessori is for everyone because it adjusts to the child's level" but I know that isn't true because I've read about experiences here.

My alternative would be homeschooling. Hubby's not fully on board with that and I'm not even sure that it would work well for us. It would certainly require a lot of work on my part.

I'm just feeling right now that all the teachers at the school must be talking about me as a "problem parent" now. My friend mentioned that other parents are potentially talking behind my back about my "freespiritedness" (I let my kid go to school with a bit of pink in his hair on Valentine's day and I let him choose his own clothes, which leads to questionable choices.). My best mom from the school friend backed the school up on a behavior thing that I disagreed with. And I'm feeling on edge and alone.

I'm going to be pretty embarrassed if his testing proves him to be average or below-average now that I've made such a big deal out of everything.

I just want to make sure that my son is getting what he needs.

It sounds to me like getting the testing-- which is fabulous that you have a district that jumped right in it-- will perhaps give you some more data to help you figure out what your son really needs. If its thorough testing it might help you see how his learning style or other aspects are not lining up with his class and even what would help. Or maybe it'll just give you the confidence that you do know your son and that he's just reacting to busywork. I think it can be a challenge to fly blind (we haven't had testing) especially if your kid and you have issues with his experience. Information is empowering.

And seriously pink hair and choosing clothes? Come to California, where I read that and can't believe there are places that care about that stuff, and I'm the uptight one around here that said, structure is good for a lot of kids so getting his needs really identified and sorted and making sure he has appropriate work to focus on can only help.

Hang in there!

Please. My kid has a mohawk and different colors in it depending on his mood - usually though it's red gel in there...

A few random thoughts for you -

There is more to a preschool than a name brand and a philosophy - what is labelled Montessori at one school might look very different at another school. School staff and their interpretation of school philosophy as well as their way of working with children all make a huge difference in a preschool experience. And all children are different too. Some children like to be shown how to do things, some children like to be creative, some children like structure, some don't... etc etc etc.

This is really neither here nor there, but fwiw, my ds wore a top-knot 24 hours a day from the ages of 2 1/2 - almost 4. This included spending a lot of time wearing his top knot at his Montessori pre-school The top knot was his choice, not mine. No one cared at his pre-school. They also didn't seem to mind that he rhymed. CONSTANTLY. The preschool teachers just seemed to love him, and they seemed to love *all* the kids at the school. He's 13 now and I kinda miss the top-knot rhyming years

It sounds like you don't have a good fit for your ds at his current preschool. So I'd try to change him to a different school. You mentioned your only other option is homeschooling - is that really the only other option? I'm not saying homeschooling would be a bad choice - it could be a wonderful choice! Just wondering if there really are no other options where you live and why no other options for preschool?

Last random thought - don't stress over whether or not you find out your ds is profoundly gifted, a little bit gifted, or not gifted at all through the testing. Lots of parents (seriously!) ask for gifted testing before their children enter kindergarten. Some of them will find out their kids aren't gifted. It doesn't mean your ds is any less amazing, magnificent, wonderful and it doesn't meant that he won't grow up to change the world or be successful or any of that. It's just a number - actually a set of numbers - and whatever the magnitude of the numbers, they can give you some great, interesting information about how your child learns. You have a chance to get those numbers for free from the school district so go for it! Chances are it's unlikely you'll ever see the same tester again either... so don't worry about whether or not you've overthought anything or asked for something that you didn't need to or whatever. Get the testing done, ask questions if you don't understand the results... and in the meantime, try to find another option for preschool. No matter what the level of giftedness or not... it sounds like your ds isn't happy where he's at, and it sounds like the staff is more rigid than your personality. The preschool years go by to quickly and our kids are very impressionable at that age - you and your ds will both most likely be happier somewhere else.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I am so sorry that you are feeling that way. We have been a montessori parent and still are and we have found that there are a lot of challenging stuff around there which your son can do. My older DS enjoys it thoroughly so as my younger DS. The older one was reading when he turned 3, few months after we started school and younger one who is in preschool is already doing addition and reading CVC words (he is a bit slow in reading and good in math). We have hardly done much at home with the older one and none at all with younger one and have really been impressed with what they are learning at their montessori school.

I think that your son's school is either not montessori or your son needs a more directed approach to learning. Many schools go by montessori label but do their own thing, so watch out for that. The teacher is not clicking with you too. I'll either move him to a new classroom with a new teacher if thats a possibility or change schools or homeschool.
Thinking about him saying, the work is too easy might mean it is not interesting as well. In our house its a different story with our preschooler- he says I can't do it, its too hard when he doesn't want to do it but when he is in mood then no complaints at all.
If I were you I wouldn't rely on testing to tell me whether my kids are gifted or not. If they are not as per the testing, they still will be gifted to me in their own ways, afterall a test is just a test. Its how you raise your kids, that matters the most.

I hope, I didn't write too much but keep an eye on the school and see whats clicking and whats not.

Yes Test results don't change who he is. (Often times they're not accurate when done at a young age anyway).

Listen to him, not the numbers

Thank you for all your responses and I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner. We're having a self-imposed media blackout at our house and this means I don't get as much computer time as I usually do.

Your responses have made me feel much better. Even if he doesn't test gifted, it's still possible that the Montessori way isn't right for him. I really do just want some insight into the way he learns.