Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional How to Derail Looping Conversations

Ok, I don't know any other way to describe what I am dealing with other than looping conversations. I imagine it likely is due to the Aspergers traits in my 13-year-old (as well as his dad), but I find that once we are on a topic, it is like there is this path with landmarks, and we have to travel down the entire path, hitting each landmark, before we can move on to a new topic. If you know what I'm talking about, how do you deal with it - derail it so that the conversation can become organic and new?

For example, if I mention a news article I read about Mars, the topic is wrestled away from that article to the larger topic of Mars, which then must lead to specific facts about Mars, an interesting YouTube video showing the Mars Rover, then on to manned missions to Mars, then on to the need to carry resources from a planet with resources to a planet without natural resources needed for survival, and then to the weight of water and how much water would be needed for a manned flight to Mars, and then how to create water, and then on to ... and this same conversation with these same facts must happen every time something is mentioned about Mars. It isn't organic or new - it is the same content almost verbatim every time.

If I try to turn the topic back to the article, it is like I didn't even say anything. It has to go back to the part of the loop where I stopped it, and it must go all the way to the end before we can discuss anything else.

I know if this is driving me insane at home, and if I'm having no luck switching things up, that teachers and friends are dealing with the same thing. Pretty soon, you just "don't go there" and stop communicating. If there are techniques I can teach my son or learn myself to help prevent this looping, I am game.

Suggestions?

It's like all the processing is in place and each time you enter a topic from a different angle the brain starts fresh, but your open issues/active conlusions are still valid; so, your brain keeps resupplying the same chain of thought. I've done that in meetings and caught myself. It is extra difficult when the chain of thoughts are coming from a flow point.

DS7 does it sometimes and for him or myself, I use humor to break-through (play the Twilight Zone theme in my head.) Or with him "Wait... haven't we been here before? That road sign is looking awfully familiar. Should we ask for directions?"

I'd find a couple of flag words or phrase to help him box off those chains like "Given our previous ideas about Mars.. what do you think about..." or "I was curious if you have new ideas about Mars considering this article." Making notes/writing down thoughts on a topic can also manage them away from the conversation. "Why don't you plan to write out your general thoughts?"

On the other hand, sometimes I need to bring all the systems online relating to a topic before I can switch gears and think about the new thing. And that may mean a complete rehash internally. I'll use stalling phrases like "Huh... need to wrap my head around that..." or "hmm..." or "interesting..." while running through things.

Maybe he's experiencing one or the other or both or it could be something different than what my brain does.

You might also try to play to self-awareness: "Have you noticed that when the subject of x comes up, you have to go through the same ideas, in the same order, said in the same way, every time?"

[wait for answer]

If either of them notices, you could then describe the effect this process has on others: people stop communicating, because they know what's coming, and they've already heard it.

You might want to check some Aspie self-help sites or books, too.

Thanks for explaining it, Zen. So stupid question to help me understand - you're not aware you're doing it most of the time, you are aware you're doing it and can't stop the process, or you are aware of it and have no desire to stop - or some other explanation.

Val - I'll try that, although it will likely go over with the 13-year-old much better than with the better half...

Usually I'm not aware that I'm doing it, because I'm getting the same conclusions from different input. Then I hear myself and realize I've heard that before (or the kind listener is rolling their eyes.) The more highly engaged I am in something, the more likely this is to happen because the EF has left the gate. Sometimes I think I've said it before, but I only just thought it and hadn't spoke it yet. Then I skip something and lose the audience.

When I am aware, but still need to follow the thoughts to get the engines online, then I try not to speak it out loud.

If his is more looping like I can't do A until B until C until A... that's different than I'm describing for myself.

Yes. You might look at some of the social skills curricula written for people with autism-- I think this might be addressed in some of Michelle Garcia Winner's materials, or in a new Australian curriculum called "Secret Agent Society." He needs to learn (and practice) how to look at his listener for cues of interest/disinterest, so that when he's starting to go into a big lecture, and the listener gets bored, he knows and will stop. Then he can make the choice to make real, interactive conversation instead.

Of course, it's likely that the "garden path" is so pleasant for him that he'd like to go to all the stops on it-- that makes this behavior harder to change, because it tends to happen with topics that are inherently rewarding to think about.

Any chance of finding a SLP to work on these skills? It should really be their bailiwick, although finding one who knows how to teach this stuff is hard.

DeeDee

DeeDee, I laughed out loud at your observation about the garden path being so pleasant that he wants to make all the stops on it. I think this is definitely a part of it, because it often becomes more like I'm a witness to an internal conversation that part of an active one.

Zen, thank you, thank you, for being so willing to open up about your own processes in order to help me understand. It is really hard to ask such personal questions to my spouse, as it always comes out a little bit (and sometimes probably a LOTTA bit) like criticism. So being able to ask you really does help me analytically understand since this is totally foreign to me but something I absolutely must learn in order to not only understand my family but be able to help create strategies that will help my kiddo maneuver better in his world.

So do I understand you correctly when you say it is more at greasing the hinges so they swing better and faster than about an OCD-type reaction? At first I was thinking it was more of an OCD ritual type thing, but now that you describe it this way, I'm thinking this may be the case, because the passion and excitement revs up as he continues along the path - even as mine begins to dwindle since I've been down the path before. It's not so much of a need-to-touch-all-these-knobs-before-I-can-go-out-the-door type reaction.

Welcome, glad I can share my unique expertise if it's useful

Yes, definitely greasing the hinges.