Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Not wanting to grow up

Prompted by the "Wishing for the future" thread - does anyone else have the opposite issue? My DS9 talks from time to time about not wanting to grow up, not wanting to be an adult. It is clear why, really - he is hyperconscientious, very aware of all the things adults have to handle that he doesn't, realises that there's no way he could handle adult responsibility now, can't imagine being able to handle it, and can't quite trust the growing up process to fix that; he's scared of finding himself adult and still not being able to handle it.

I've tried: emphasising that he only has to grow up one day at a time; reminding him that he'll be twice as old when he's 18 as he is now, and that he doesn't even remember quite a bit of his first 9 years, so that really is a long time for gradually learning what he needs to know; pointing out things he copes with easily now that were scary to him a year or two back; telling him that we his parents will still do our best to look after him when he needs it when he's adult, and confirming that, for example, he'll be welcome to live with us (making a contribution to running the household :-) even when he's adult and working if that suits him [this turned out to be really important - I think he's more concerned about household management than about earning his living!]; etc. When this comes up, he normally calms down quickly given some of these reminders, but it still comes up again another time (and it's always when we're dashing for something so it's hard to have an indepth conversation about; I think what happens is that he escalates a smaller responsibility-anxiety to this, so it tends to be on the way to school that this comes up). Nevertheless, it's clear that he looks forward to adulthood with more anxiety than pleasure, and that seems a pity.

Any tips/BTDTs?

My DD15 is starting to really think about college now - and the fact that she will leave home. She is a homebody. I feel that the college years with dorms and other living situations will "train" them for adulthood. So he really has more time than he thinks. So sorry he is anxious.

I don't have advice, but I have ballpark statistics from my home country, Canada, to reassure him that growing up is a more gradual process than he might realize. An estimated 42% of Canadian 20-somethings lived in their parental home last year.

http://www12.statcan.gc.ca/census-recensement/2011/as-sa/98-312-x/98-312-x2011003_3-eng.cfm

Does your DS9 have things that he does that contribute to running the house? Maybe increase the responsibility a little, even something he doesn't think he can do, and have him work on it and celebrate the success. Even things I give my DD9 like opening the envelopes for the mail and sorting the paper recycling, putting bills in a pile. Not to make her worried but to de-mystify the goings-on. And she learns the categories of things we need to live, like the natural gas and the phone, etc.

For her personality this makes her less anxious - some kids it might make them more if they're going to worry.

What about a special project like looking in the paper or online for rentals, seeing how much things cost, give him a virtual "job" with a salary and have him work out how much he can spend, all that sort of thing. Make it fun and practical.

He sounds like a thinking kid and sometimes they need to be reassured of the mechanics of things for themselves in addition to reassurance via talking (I've never been one to be reassured much by talking. I really have to do stuff, even if I get it wrong and know what I need to work on...to become less anxious).

bzlzy is right. My DD15 was afraid of driving until recently when she began driving. Her fears are at rest now.

Yeess... this helping and this making him more anxious both seem like real possibilities :-) He doesn't have much in the way of regular chores compared to American norms; he really doesn't have time (he's out at school more than 12 hours every weekday, and he plays two instruments). But he can do most of the day to day household tasks I do (bar cooking; he can only cook a few things so far), in fact.

I think I should make a time to talk to him about it when we're not rushing for something, actually. Maybe there are specific things he can't do that aren't as hard as he thinks.

Come to think of it, we let him choose an organiser box (plastic box containing a dozen translucent plastic envelopes, for filing random bits of paper) in response to finding that he had several bits of paper he needed to keep, but no clear right place for them, and this delighted him. This may be a clue. It would make sense for him to be stressed about general organisation, because none of us in this family are naturals at it and the adults find it stressful too! (And have been through all the "having a nice organiser box doesn't automatically make you organised" learning, too, but hey.)

Ellipses, though: DH and I both used to be scared of driving. Then we each learned to drive, and became terrified of it (and don't do it - fortunately there's good public transport where we are)! It's the impossibility of ever completely ruling out killing someone in that tonne of metal. The apple does not, I see, fall far from the tree.

Well, he's pretty much right, if you think about it.

Childhood = Fun, Freedom, Play

Adulthood = Crushing Responsibility and Not Fun, Loss of Friends, etc.

I definitely prefer my first 18 years to now.

It's pretty hard to kill people, though.

I've been in two significant accidents and nobody really got hurt.

However, I do recommend that you don't let people under 25 drive cars.

I think I ruined at least $80,000 of car (5 or 6 total - one was a nice new jeep!) during my late teen/college years.

I like the organizer idea. I get stressed/anxious from clutter and disorganization. DD seems to get her energy sapped from it and loves being in a "swirl" as she calls it.

So we're settling into her having her swirly places and me having my organized, cleared out spaces!!

I don't really have any advice, just commiseration. This has been a pretty big issue with DD4 as well. She seems to have a really advanced understanding of what it means to be an adult and wants nothing to do with it except for the eating eleven donuts for dinner when you want aspect. She does not even much like being four; she would rather be a baby. She is not even thrilled about kindergarten.

I don't know what to make of it. She is just really immature in this regard. As parents, I feel like we may have pushed her towards independence faster than we should have, but she seemed so mature as a baby. We followed her lead. She potty trained day and night well before 24 months. She never wanted to nap. She was never really a baby. We never babied her. But, then she never turned into the "let me do it" toddler. And, now she is a preschooler that does not want to grow up.

She is just really anxious about getting older. We talked about how some of her classmates would be turning six shortly, but that she would be turning six next year. Her eyes got big, and she said, "I'll practically be 18! Six and then seven, then 8,9,10! I'll be a teenager soon!" I think she has concerns about 18, because she learned that is the age that kids go to college. I know in the past we have used the "with age comes great responsibility" line. I wish we never had, because I think it caused a lot of the anxiety. It was when she turned four that we dealt with a lot of angst. Looking back, we were using the birthday as an excuse to give her more responsibility. Total backfire.

She is a lot like I was as a child. It was my little sister that did everything before me. She worked as a waitress at 15. I just wanted to play. This is another reason I have seriously considered holding DD back next year. I really just want to chalk this up to maturity as was the case with me. I was about 2 to 3 years behind maturity-wise.