Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion New Poster: Manipulative Gifted Teen

Hey there, new poster here! This site seems great!

I have had a theory for a while now and would like to get your opinions! I realize that this post is quite long but I hope that you will take the time to read it as there are very few people who can understand these situations.

I know a teenage friend who is gifted, and an only child. First I would like to note that I am not saying all only-children are this way but bear with me for a bit.

He is smart, that's for sure. But he is very arrogant. After knowing him for a while, I have learned that he has skipped a few grades and his parents have admitted to him that he is much smarter than them.
Over time, I have also noticed that he is selfish and manipulative and lacks morals. This is the part that really disturbs me. He has a sense of entitlement and feels that there is absolutely nothing wrong with manipulating others to get what he wants, justifying that, "They chose to do it for me," or "They wanted to do it." It is tough to explain to him why manipulating people is wrong, as it is often difficult to explain why certain things are morally right and wrong - "they just are".

I have noticed this behaviour in another friend of mine as well, a girl who is also smart and also an only child, with parents who do not seem confident about their own intellect.

My theory is that the combination of a being gifted child, being an only child, and parenting that is not (for lack of a better word) "strong" enough, can result in a manipulative, arrogant, or even unethical teenager.

For those of you who are wondering how being an only child can increase this behaviour, it's because if he/she had a sibling of similar intellect, they would challenge each other and so the gifted child would not only be surrounded by people who he/she can manipulate. i.e. they would realize that they are not the only one who is "so special" and "so smart". If they have no siblings to argue morality on the same level as them (assuming the parents are not up to it), then the gifted child grows up believing that whatever he does to get his way, is fine!

Lastly, I would just like to note that I truly believe that the arrogant teenager I know really has low self-esteem deep down. I believe that he was never brought up in an environment where he was told constantly that it was okay to be different, to be smart, to stand out. So, in accordance with another theory that I have, I believe that when gifted children/teens are not given the loving support that they need while growing up, they end up doing whatever they can to "survive" in this world, whether it's manipulation or arrogance.

Sometimes it makes me sad to see gifted teenagers who grow up to be like this, as I can see glimmers of hope when I talk to them . I feel that they are naturally extremely sensitive and kind-hearted and can do so much for the world that others may not be able to do, but simply because of circumstances, they have grown up to be unconfident in themselves and manipulative.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. Please let me know your opinions as honestly as possible!

-Venn

I'd say this is a possible explanation, but that there are other possible explanations as well. When I first started reading, the word "sociopath" popped into my head.

The next word that popped into my head was "teenager," because arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and unethical describes an awful lot of teenagers.

The interesting thing about your two examples is that they both appear to:

- Be gifted teens
- KNOW they're gifted teens
- Have parents who lack confidence in their own intellectual skills, and the children know this, too

If there's nobody at home who the child feels worthy of their respect, then I suppose it would be easy to look upon others as lesser beings, which would lend credence to your theory.

I'm not really sure that the parents' ability to discuss ethics with them at their level is really necessary, because, "How would you like it?" is a pretty easy argument that anyone can make. I would also doubt that having siblings would help, unless the siblings were twins or older, because older siblings enjoy a power imbalance, and younger siblings are easy marks for manipulation. I think it would really have to come down to the parents establishing themselves as people worthy of respect.

It's interesting that both parents think they're intellectually inferior, because these things are usually genetic. It had to come from somewhere.

Your thinking of sociopath, made me think of pseudopsychopaths.

Page 65 of Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children and Adults.

http://books.google.com/books?id=NQ...=giftedness%20pseudopsychopathic&f=false

That's a very good point! I'm really hoping that he grows out of it but unfortunately it seems to be a pretty deep-rooted thing. It's tough when you try to tell them that what they're doing is wrong when:
a) they get defensive / pretend to understand so that you'll stop talking about it,
b) you're trying not to impose views on them or insist on "helping" them (implying that you know more than they do), you know?

Your point about the siblings is true as well but I was thinking more along the lines of having siblings that actually "get along". Ones that are close or have equal footing (which does happen!) Even if they did argue as siblings do, I still think that having another gifted individual around would:

a) have the gifted child grow up knowing that he is not the only one who thinks that way (which doesn't mean he'll feel more accepted, but at least he will not feel alone),

b) someone to challenge his views and to show him that he is not always right (because I find often that other gifted children who think alike will enjoy a lengthy "argument"/discussion about, say, ethics, while non-gifted teens tend to lose interest in the topic more quickly).

I realize that this may come off as extremely condescending or like I think I know everything about gifted teens, but I assure you that I don't. I just know that I've grown up in an extremely supportive environment and would have liked that for him as well. I truly, honestly, genuinely, just KNOW that he is so pure-hearted on the inside, but I'm starting to realize after months of frustration that he won't change unless he wants to, and there's nothing I can do about it. It just seems a shame.

-Venn

Also, reading over both your posts again, I am definitely seeing a lot of sociopathic and pseudopsychopathic characteristics!

The only thing about a sociopath that he does not display is anger. He doesn't get angry easily, he gets more frustrated/sad, which is what leads me further to believe that he really is kind-hearted on the inside (or at least used to be).

As for pseudopsychopathic, he is often noting how he is "a guy" when referring to things such as "keeping feelings inside". He is into art as well, and gets emotional during sad movies, but rarely explores the subjects. (Note that he is also hugely into sports which I just pass off as just a regular characteristic of his.)
The thing that makes him different than other guys (in my opinion) is that he is readily aware of all these things. He knows that he keeps feelings inside (he didn't used to, but made a conscious choice to after "learning that it didn't work out well"). I think he's just afraid (or has been afraid for all his life) to be himself. To know when it's okay to show feelings and when it's better not to.

Lastly, I have a related but separate question:
I understand that most people act differently around different groups of friends. That's why people say "different friends for different things". But at what point does it become sociopathic behaviour?

Thank you all so much for the help. You are really making a difference

-Venn

I'm no expert, but I don't believe anger is a necessary component of a sociopath. They're more commonly described as cold calculators. The quote that sums them up best is, "I don't get mad... I get even." Though it's worth noting that many sociopaths live as law-abiding, productive members of society.

Sociopathy is a personality disorder, and so much about personality appears to be hard-wired into the brain at birth. So, if sociopathy is involved, it's highly questionable whether a different environment would have made a difference.

As for behavioral differences around different groups of people, I think it comes down to why. Most of us do it because we want to fit in and belong, which is the opposite of sociopathy. A sociopath would probably be doing it to manipulate the groups in some way, or to gain some other sort of advantage.

I would just like to say, for the record, that I have a nephew (who happens to be an only child) who is absolutely not gifted but is very manipulative, lacks morals, lacks compassion, lacks remorsefulness, is arrogant and thinks he knows it all (and it is really evident that he knows very little).

I don't think his attitude and behavior is any result of him being an only child.

I happen to have an only child, who may or may not be gifted (not formally tested yet) but if she is not gifted then she is of abnormally high intelligence. She is well behaved, courteous, compassionate (almost to a fault), responsible, and morally capable of making age appropriate choices for herself.

I think if I had raised my nephew from birth he would have had a better chance so I contribute a lot of it to parenting. In my nephews defense, he does have ADHD and asthma/allergies, maybe some other learning disabilities that were not diagnosed when he was little.

I think a lot factors into the mix. I am sorry your friend is so out of touch with reality though. I often wonder if one day my nephew will look around him and make the connection ... but I can't ever really be sure that will happen. Still hopeful though.

The first time I ran into an intellectual "peer" I was around 15, I figured out a few years later that he was a sociopath. It was cool to have someone to engage with intellectually and his extreme behaviors and actions were fascinating and we had many interests in common. At the time I considered him a friend.

But sociopaths don't have friends. So, if you have a friend who you think is a sociopath, one of those two assumptions is false.

I'm really enjoying these other opinions and perspectives! This really helps

As for being an only child, I think I'm starting to agree as well that it has a lot to do with parenting. Of course, I don't really have the right to judge other people's parenting methods, but just from evidence I've been seeing, I think you're right.

I do also know other only-children who are very kind, some of who are my good friends I just meant that it is possibly one contributing factor in this specific situation (sort of like...NORMALLY it wouldn't be a factor but because of all these other factors, ie. giftedness and parents who believe they are intellectually inferior, it has possibly BECOME one of the contributing factors).

By the way, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading and taking the time to think about my situation and respond

Zen Scanner, I think I can relate a bit. It's always intriguing to find someone who you can engage in "witty banter" with but I am finding out quickly that although that can be fun and interesting, the empathic part is essential (to me) to truly consider someone a friend, witty or not. I would much rather spend time with and get to know compassionate, and (bear with me here, I don't mean to be rude or condescending) "less intellectual" people, than to spend a lot of time with someone who can keep up in conversation but may, at any point, "backstab" you or ditch you.

I think a good recipe is:

- Constant friends: not necessarily highly intelligent or gifted, but kind people who you get along with and can have fun with

- Friends who you hang out with once in a while for a deep, engaging, intellectual discussion: the person the original post was about

- And if you find a friend who belongs in both categories: they'll probably be your "best friend"!

Does anyone agree with this? (I know there are a huge variety of opinions out there! Let me know what they are!)

-Venn

I have known gifted teens that meet all of the descriptors that you posted about your friend, except for the only child part. They were sisters. The manipulation skill was enhanced by their sensitivity to identifying others' buttons. For these two, it really boiled down to insecurity and perfectionism. They wanted to be perfect, to be loved, and so they lied and were defensive regarding anything that suggested to themselves or others that they weren't perfect. They manipulated others as a power play and as a way to show themselves that someone loved them. You can guess that the parenting wasn't great. IQ was never an issue in the household. The parents placed a high value on image, appearances, and competitiveness.

FWIW, one sister grew out of it and the other is doing very well in politics.