Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion More behavior "issues"

My 3-year-old is enrolled in a montessori. He'll be going to a private gifted school next year for pre-K. In the last two months, we've had to pull him out of the school three times. He's had to stay home from school the next day. We've also had two meetings with his teacher and the head administrator at the school.

Yesterday, we were called to the school for a "brainstorming" session on how to help his behavior problems. It turned into a hour-long meeting of the teacher listing all the ways he misbehaves. He doesn't follow the rules. He doesn't follow instructions. He disrupts others work. He doesn't stay focused for long. He isn't making friends. Sometimes, he hits!

Yeah. It was a horrible meeting to have to sit in as a parent. I wanted to cry.

Then they really surprised me by suggesting that our son might benefit from medication. This wasn't at all the type of suggestion I would have expected from a Montessori.

We are going to meet with a pediatric psychologist, just to be safe and get another opinion. Our pediatrician, however, thinks the school is over-reacting and believes our son might just be acting out because he is bored with the materials. I don't know if this is true or not.

I had never suggested he was bored, but the school said 'he hasn't mastered all of our curriculum yet.' So I think they were anticipating I might suggest this was part of the issue. They say he reads at at least a 2nd grade level, but it's hard to know for sure because he doesn't sit and read long enough to really accurately measure it.

I feel just... UG. Sad, I guess. I don't know why he isn't connecting at all with his peers. This has been an ongoing issue. He plays well with his little sister (who is now 2) and has a lot of affection for adults. But kids... not so much.

I don't know what I expect you all to say. Maybe I'm just venting. I hate feeling like I'm a bad parent because my kid cannot be controlled in a classroom. Deep down, I believe he is OK. I really do. He is an intense kid, for sure. He has been since he was a newborn. But he's a good boy, very sweet and loving. He just gets stubborn sometimes and he does need to be engaged in something "interesting" if he's going to sit still for a project for more than a few minutes.

I am disappointed in the Montessori. I've become disheartened with them more lately than we were when he first started there. The teacher has told us that he needs to go through certain steps/stages to advance his coursework - he needs to go A - B - C - D.... but instead he WANTS to go straight to D. The teacher won't allow this, which I know is a point of frustration for both my son and the teacher.

But still... the hitting? I don't know why he is doing that. He doesn't hit at home. Just at school.

We are thinking about pulling him out at the end of the school year rather then letting him continue through the summer. Just let him hang out with me this summer and then be ready to start Pre-K at the new school in the fall. I don't know what the right thing to do is, though.

Someone, please just give me a hug and tell me it can get better!


PS- so sorry for all the typos in this post! I'm stealing a quick minute while the kids finish up eating supper!!

Well you pretty much described my son's pre-school experience. He had zero impulse control and was defiant of authority. I almost lost my job having to pick him up from school so much. His father and I were separating at the time so I'm sure that contributed. He actually told teachers he was going to be bad so I would lose my job so I had to stay home with him. It was a horrible & terrible time. Over 2 1/2 years (he's 6 now) I fought medication and tried gluten free, dairy free, organic, dye free any type of diet. Moderate success and I still limit sugar and go organic whenever I can. It was only after 2 years I relented and tried medication. For us it took a bit but it helps him. I'm glad I took the time to try every other option before I resorted to medication. However I only did so after meeting with a PHD in child psychology & a MD board certified in her field for 2 years. At 6 he's come so far. I even paid the PHD to observe a full school day to help figure out his school issues. They were invaluable in giving me advice on how to be the best parent I could be. DS6 has an IEP and his impulse control has improved greatly. His school district is wonderful and has provided support for both him and I at every stage. In the past weeks he's been evaluated for autism/aspergers and there's a possibility that while gifted he has some issues with social skill that have caused a lot of our problems.

I guess the point of my rambling is that it gets better. We're working on a plan to remove the medication after he's settled in the gifted program and we've got a solid IEP to support him. I read your post and remember how horrible those school meetings were. AWFUL! Everyday I felt like I was failing as a Mom. Even worse my kiddo being pointed out as the "bad" kid by children at the school. Watching him go through the guilt of having a bad day or a meltdown after he calmed down was heartbreaking.

Hang in there, my kiddo made it through just fine. He's not perfect and we still have rough days but persistence helps.

Thank you both for your responses!

What is confusing is that he is generally well behaved at home. He has his moments, for sure, but is is SO MUCH better at home then it sounds like he is at school.

We are trying to remain open minded about where all of this might lead up - whether some sort of therapy or even medication. But we really have a hard time accepting the idea of medicating a 3-year-old. It's good advice to exhaust all other avenues first, irishmaggie!

I'm so glad to hear that both of your kiddos are doing better now. I think a lot of this is just part of his personality and who he is. Giftedness may or may not have much to do with it. I don't know... we haven't been able to put our finger on what, exactly, is going on yet.

I hope this psychologist we are seeing next week will be able to offer some guidance.

I just want to say good luck, and ((HUGS)). I've been where you are. We had one year where we went through FIVE daycare providers before we found one who know what to do with DS8. DS8 is on meds (which have contributed to a massive improvement in his behavior) now but I know the environment was a big factor as well. He needed to have challenging things to do during the day.

Must agree with epoh! I've looked back too and realized at least one teacher (who he had when he was having the MOST trouble) often sought out conflict to show kiddo he had to play by her rules. Unfortunately with smart & stubborn kiddos "because I said so" doesn't always work. My son wasn't an angel but having a caregiver who's understanding and willing to work with the child's quirks (but still not be a pushover)is priceless. Sometimes I wonder though if we would have had as many problems if I'd gotten him into the excellent pre-school run by my school district that that he went to after leaving the school with the more dominant teacher. They had specialists on staff that a "daycare" can't afford and he actually had an IEP in pre-school. Does your area have a district preschool that deals with kids with disabilities? Not that your son is disabled in any way but our Special School district teacher was amazing in getting him back on track.

This sounds familiar. My son was a disaster through most of preschool. He started at age 2 and a half just two mornings per week. He would sometimes hit and bite other kids and even teachers. He seemed defensive a lot of the time when other kids (mostly) would come near him. He wouldn't follow certain directions, etc. I had to come pick him up once or twice and he spent some time in the office. When we moved, he seemed even worse in another preschool. Finally, after spending some time observing him and talking to the teacher, his behavior (which was very different at home) made sense. He had sensory issues that I never noticed at home. Home was quiet and not chaotic and preschool wasn't. He showed signs of oversensitivity to sound, smell and unexpected touch. I had him tested by an OT which confirmed this and he did do some OT for a summer. She said that she often sees very bright children who are oversensitive to things. Fast forward a few years and he is doing very well in public school despite a hard beginning in K. Maturity has helped a lot. His preschool doesn't sound like a good fit for him. Do you need him to go to school over the summer for childcare purposes? If you don't, I would keep him at home this summer.

Can you ask to observe? Not for 10 minutes but for an hour or two at a time of day the staff say is problematic. As his parent, who will know what he's thinking much of the time without actually having to have him spell it out in words, if you can see any of these behaviors yourself you may have much more insight than the staff of the preschool. If he doesn't hit at home or on playdates, if you haven't seen it, how are you supposed to discuss that behavior with a psychologist?

Polly

Here's my issue with the meeting you described (and I admit I may be oversensitive since I have sat in that same spot and heard how awful my kid was): when everything they discuss is what's "wrong" with your kid, they are not taking responsibility for what may be wrong with the environment they are providing. The "brainstorming" should be to figure out the environmental triggers and how to intervene. Our childcare did this for us for my son around that age and they figured out that the teachers were not being consistent about expectations and he was sort of having meltdowns that looked like defiance (but in my experience with my son it comes from not being sure what is expected of him and being pretty sure the adults are going to punish him no matter what he does). They changed the environment and things dramatically improved. He also has some sensory seeking issues, so that was coming in to play too.
In first grade he had a teacher who completely lacked understanding (and best I can tell empathy) and he was having weekly meltdowns and being sent to the office. When they finally agreed to change classrooms, his behavior changed completely and he was SOO much happier! So what changed overnight? The classroom environment, not my son!

So when they give you this laundry list of bad behaviors, make them tell you specifics. WHEN is he defiant? What happened right before? Is it at certain times a day? Exactly what rules is he refusing to follow? Are there times that he seems happy and participates well? What is different about those times? When/who/why is he hitting?

They need to figure out what the problem is on their end, ESPECIALLY if he is not behaving like this at home. To suggest medication is inappropriate, imo and suggests that they are looking for the easy answer rather than recognizing their own role in the situation.

For crying out loud, he is only three! Are they seriously telling you that all the other kids his age are sitting quietly with their hands folded, doing exactly what they are being told to do? Maybe he is more disruptive than others, but be sure that their expectations are reasonable and age-appropriate.

How does your son feel about the school? Does he complain about going or seem ok when you see him? I have mixed feelings about Montessori because it sounds good to me in theory, but when I visited one for my own son I could see right away it would not work for him. For a child-led education philosophy, it seemed to have a lot of rules about "proper" behavior, proper use of the classroom equipment, etc. So maybe the school just isn't a good fit for your son. Are there any other decent options?

For me, the biggest thing I learned from similar situations is that I don't want my kid in an environment with people who don't appreciate what an amazing, fantastic, fun kid he is. When they start describing him negatively to you, you can bet that he is getting that same message from them as well, even if it is not spoken. They should be able to discuss some positive things he is doing with you as well and if they can't I would be gone.

But bottom line, stay true to your son and who you know that he is and what you know that he needs. And if they can't give it to him, then that is their shortcoming not his.

Good luck!

"I don't want my kid in an environment with people who don't appreciate what an amazing, fantastic, fun kid he is. "

So true LNEsmom.

As an example of a great preschool fit, DS4 cried in a loud annoying way at preschool today when something didn't go the way he'd hoped. I cringed, knowing that he can be hard to be around and wishing he would "behave better" like the majority of the other kids there. And then his wonderful teacher smiled and said, "We just love his passion!" And it's true, they do. He's equally passionate about positive things in an enthusiastic driving way that enriches their classroom. Sure they do wish to guide him to express negative emotions in a more socially acceptable way, but they also respect him as an individual and know that moderating the negative side of intensity is a process that takes differing amounts of time for different individuals.

I wish you luck sweetpeas that next year's gifted school will be for your DS what this years preschool is for mine.

Polly

I could have written your post! My son started a Montessori preschool just before his third birthday. He struggled almost immediately. We switched to half days. He continued to struggle with the same issues as your son. Finally after a year and a half, we pulled him out.
I dreaded pick-up time. They would excuse the kids one by one from circle to do the hand shake thing and the teacher would give the parent a short report on the day. First, my son was almost always in the time out chair. As the kids were excused it would be "Katie did so well coloring today" and "Sonya is really working on her counting" and "Ben has the nicest art project to take home" and then we'd get to my kid "W didn't really participate much today. He wouldn't sit for circle so we sent him to the office. He came back and worked on some puzzles but when it was time for afternoon circle he wouldn't put his the puzzle he was working on away so he got a timeout. There was also an incident at recess. There is a report for you to sign. He threw sand at someone's face and it really hurt their eyes.". At this point my son would pipe up with "I didn't get SENT to the office I made the CHOICE to go there because I HATE your circle time. I threw sand because the boy was being mean and putting grass in my hair and he stepped on my sand building on purpose and no one would do anything about it. I had a really bad day and I want to go home"