Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Do You Brag (Or Do Your Friends Think You Do?)

I feel like I can't say ANYTHING about what Butter is doing, in or out of academics, without people taking it the wrong way. I have no idea what is actually "average" or "normal". Each time I think I do, I usually get a cold slap of reality. Additionally, Butter isn't one of those high acheivers or work producers and few people I know IRL "get it" at all. It's actually quite sad and lonely for me, though I've been able to shelter her from most of it so far...

Like...this is NOT a brag, but a true questioning as a person who didn't get their hands on musical instruments until 8th grade...Butter got her violin just before holiday break and only had ONE class session with it. Mr Mo teaches at about 5 schools in our district and said the group at Butter's school is his most advanced group (mostly 4th graders and up) and most of them do not take outside lessons. I only ask her to practice about 15-20 min a day. When we came back from break, Mr Mo says she is right on track with everyone else. Now, she is not playing any Mozart or anything, but would you call that "average"? That seems not average to me...

The worst is Girl Scouts, where I feel she is under a magnifying glass by my supposed "co-leaders" who mostly don't understand her unique way of looking at the world and think she is "acting superior" or like she is too good to do things like everyone else *sigh*

SOmetimes I wish I had a cloak of invisibility for her

I should be able to brag about her some, be proud of her and mention her accomplishments without others thinking I am insulting them or comparing her to their kids...

My darling friend, we need to have lunch and you can brag away. Besides I need my rowing buddy.
Butter is thriving being in her own environment and your "co-leaders" can't handle it. Can't handle that she can't be labelled as a troublemaker anymore.

yeah, I want to hear how Mr B is doing in his new place too!!!
and I think you are right...many groups seem to need a scapegoat and it's not her anymore!

That's actually not how most of the moms here relate to each other. I don't know your local norms, of course, but it would be seen as totally out of line to say "she only started violin a few weeks ago and she's already caught up!" It would be fine to say "Butter is so glad to be taking violin! The program seems just right for her!"-- a compliment to the community. Most of the moms here share information, talk about how things are going in a vague general way, ask each other questions about extracurricular opportunities or vacation destinations; they do not offer specifics about their children's achievements, because it's considered inappropriate here (in my community).

I have a few close friends with whom I can be open about the full good-and-the-bad, and I talk to them about it. But it is absolutely not the stuff of the conversations at school dropoff and pickup or before the PTA meeting.


I think this is an opportunity to do some social skills training for her. If she is doing things that make other children feel funny, she can be taught why this is and how not to do it. This is not a matter of "not being herself," but again, about discretion and how to fit in better by not hurting others' feelings. (Wait until you are sure that kid is interested in science before talking about the insides of stars with them! is a good piece of social information for her to have.)

If it's just the parents, you may need a combination of discretion training for her (learning to participate) and voluntary discretion for you, if you want Girl Scouts to continue to be a viable option.

I think that's kind of just part of life in a community.... neither good nor bad, just a "what is" thing.

DeeDee

From an email today:

<One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People.<>>

Yes, I'd have to mostly agree with this.

I do occasionally find it a drag to have to censor what I say, but at the same time, I also recognize that to not censor would be iffy in terms of social appropriateness.

When other people are being braggy--it's okay, because I don't want to be LIKE those braggy people. However, sometimes an accomplishment is shared openly and with joy and other receive it purely and openly, and that's the only time it feels a little hard.

(It's probably worth mentioning that my kids are extroverts and tend to openly display their smarts. I can't really hide their lights under a bushel anyway.)

The worst time for us so far was when we were deciding whether to switch DD to the gifted magnet. I had to be somewhat open because everyone knows what the school is, and I got many weird responses.

I'd be more likely to call that "polite teacher" than anything else.

I'm confused. Do you mean she isn't where everyone else and he is "just being nice"? He didn't say she was better than anyone else or say she was a prodigy or anything. But this is what I mean...he doesn't have to let her into this class, it's actually for 4th grade and up. So, I assume, if she wasn't cutting it, why wouldn't he tell me the truth and say she's not ready or something.

DeeDee-it's not Butter that would be hurting anyone's feelings. It's more like when she isn't doing exactly what the others are, the other adults are coming up to me, asking what HER PROBLEM is..."Who does she think she is?" And it's not like she is breaking rules or anything.

And I disagree that she should wait and find out what the others are interested in before speaking up. You probably don't mean it this way, but I'm hearing that I should try to get her to "fit in" and act more like the other kids? I spent my own young life doing that and it was awful...not to mention, it's obvious to me that they sense she is different. It' also complicated by the fact that, in the classroom with the other girls, she was labeled a trouble maker and scapegoat, so I think some of that is persisting.

It's not like I go around saying she is better or smarter or something like that, but we have struggled and suffered for so long, I guess I feel that if someone really IS my friend, they would hear about her recent happiness and better fit in the new school and be happy for us, not think I am bragging.

If saying "We no longer get those crummy phone calls from school" is bragging, well, I guess I am then.

It's entirely possible that your kid is a violin prodigy, requiring neither instruction nor practice to perform as well as kids who have had both. Or it's entirely possible that the teacher just wanted to reassure you that she was on track to be successful in the class.

("There are plenty of kids like yours, so she'll be fine" is a comment that works at both ends of the spectrum, as well as for all the kids in between.)