Lot's more feedback. Thank you all for the great advice.
Austin - we did a lot of "use your words" with my daughter, but she was a lot more verbally expressive. It's not that I don't do it with my son, just that I don't do it with any expectation that it will result in a sentence. I wish I had thought of acting out meltdowns with her. That was a struggle for us for many years. Not sure it would've helped, but one more tool in the arsenal couldn't have hurt.
Colinsmum - that's great feedback. Thank you for it. It also fits well with my parenting philosophy for him, so it was very helpful.
Annette - thank you for the book recommendations. I'll definitely look into them and see what I think will work. I see a trip to the library coming up for me.
I've already begun trying the empathy thing you mentioned. It's hard to tell how well it's working in such a short time, but so far so good. I just need to think of it quicker now. I think it does help, even with the spectrum issues. I'm catching it while he can still think logically, before he becomes pure emotion.
JonLaw - I think I have some problems there as well. I've gotten better over the years, but it's been a long road. Maybe using some of this great advice with my son, will help me handle my own emotions as well.
DeeDee - I really appreciate you posting here. I hope I don't scare off anyone with my "neurodiversity" ramblings. I'm interested in hearing more about the form of ABA therapy you're using with your son. I'm not opposed to therapy as long as it doesn't drive all the good parts of Autism out of a person. I'll understand if you don't want to share it - or if you've posted somewhere else, maybe you could just provide a link. But I think one of the challenges I've had with coming to a decision on whether or not to get him evaluated now is with wondering what the resulting therapy would look like. So it would be great to get an idea of what is working for another family.
I do know of a good psychologist in the area who specializes in AS, and we're fairly close to the UC Davis MIND Institute, so there's probably some options for us that I haven't explored yet. I think I need to find a new pediatrician so I can start down this path.
Also - I like your term of "skilled redirection." I've been doing even more of that lately. Adorably, this resulted in him wanting to help butter every slice of toast this morning. Not so adorably, that resulted in a pile of butter on the floor. But one step at a time.
Grinity - HI!! Waving back at you! I never really left. I'm just quiet-ish.
It is probably not dangerous for him to hyperventilate. He did do the turning blue and passing out thing for a couple of months when he was younger and, as scary as it was, it wasn't dangerous. I had to convince my husband of this so he would stop yelling at him to "BREATH!" I'm sure the yelling didn't help him calm down.
And I'm not as worried about hyperventilation from the physical standpoint as much as I am from the emotional standpoint. I'm hoping that by catching the tantrum earlier though, I can provide the emotional support he needs as a building block for self soothing. I think self soothing is going to be an issue right now for him, so I guess I'm just a bit conflicted because I'm not sure how much of that has to come from within him, without me providing that building block. And I'm trying to decide what is right for him as an individual. I've always felt like he is a very independent person, but when he needs support and help, he really needs it. Maybe I should just go with that as my gut feeling and give him the building blocks right now. We're very much attachment parents, so we tend to proscribe to the thought that self-soothing comes over time through strong emotional bonds. I guess I have my answer. Sorry for this rambling paragraph, but I think it was important for me to write it out.
I think my daughter is like your son in terms of asking for help. I don't know if it's a self-respect thing for her though. Maybe more of an independence thing. I get the sense that she is exceptionally independent for her age. It's hard to say since I don't have a lot to compare to, but I get the sense that if she had to live on her own tomorrow, she could make it work. So if she's having negative emotions, I need to let her muddle through it. But this is a much more recent development for us. And I'm sure I've made a lot of mistakes getting to this point.
You're right that it isn't my job to have the dx before I go for an evaluation. It's just so hard not to since I know so much about ASDs already. I'm trying to be objective, but man oh man, it's hard! This kid is basically me as a boy, with a slight bit of my husband thrown in the soup. So I know where a lot of this stuff is coming from.
What does my husband think of all this? Well - I'm going to show him this thread tomorrow and see what he says. He's very open to new suggestions and thoughts, so I think he'll get a lot out of this. He's our son's primary caregiver right now as a SAHD. I think that has it's advantages and disadvantages. Since my son is so much like me, it's probably best that he is the primary caregiver though. But I also think he doesn't have as much patience as I do to deal with the intensity we're facing, so he's had a lot of frustrated moments lately. I tend to be the more level headed one when my son is screeching or hyperventilating... he reacts much stronger to it and it is hard for him to watch it play out. I think some of the "meditating under pressure" advice may help with this.
He adores the little man though and it's wonderful to see them together. I hear lots of peals of laughter between mixed with vacuum sounds (that's my son's other obsession at the moment - and one we can do more often). I think he's open and ready to try anything that we think will help, which is about all anyone can possibly ask for.
GHS - Thanks for posting. It's always nice to hear that you're not alone. It's probably too early for this for you guys, but I thought I'd mention for when your DD gets a bit older. My daughter used pacifiers until about 3.5. She had them hidden all around the house. I finally got her to give them up by using the "Pacifier Fairy." Like the Tooth Fairy, but with pacifiers.
As for the intense screaming, hopefully some of the great advice people provided here can help you as well.