99% of his communication is done through pointing and grunting and then a lot of high-pitched screaming if he can't get what he wants.
He's started hyperventilating when he doesn't get what he wants now. We don't give in (often because it's something dangerous, so we couldn't if we wanted to), but he just keeps escalating his reactions anyway. We try not to pay too much attention to a temper tantrum, but at the point of hyperventilating, it's more that he's extremely upset than being manipulative (I think), so we do try to comfort him.
Hi Adhoc! ((Waving Wildly!!) Great to see you. This is definitely a gifted issue! Perhaps gifted + personality, or gifted + twice exceptionality - but yes, you've come to the right place!
I'm glad to hear that you are considering sign language - this seems to be what's comfortable for him right now, so it seems an excellent place to start.
I would teach him a sign that roughly means 'I'm proud of myself for doing a good job managing myself" or 'I Waited!' or "I relaxed me!"
Perhaps the palms facing each other, held at head or heart level. That way you can praise him and use the sign at the slightest self mastery he demonstrates. So when he chooses to clean the Broccoli, you and he get to celebrate his flexibility! But think smaller. Anytime he responds positively to ANY small request, do the happy dance.
The next thing to figure out is 'is it dangerous to him to hyperventilate?'
Search the Internet, find a Physician you trust, but as heartbreaking as it is to you, be at least clear in your mind if the hyperventilating is dangerous to him in any way. My mom used to hold her breath and turn blue as a 1 year old if my Grandmother didn't shovel the food in fast enough. She would get into a rage, and then hold her breath. She wasn't spectrumy, but I do suspect ADHD to some degree. My Grandma did what anyone would do: shovel faster!
Isn't natural to be 'conditioned' by out children to shovel faster. I pretty sure that my Mom didn't hold her breath and turn blue to 'punish' or 'manipulate' my Grandmother, but it did set a leader/follower tone to their relationship.
So I think that saying 'distress vs. manipulation' is too simplistic a model for our intense kids.
I think it's possible for 'unhelpful' behavior, such as hyperventilation or turning blue to be 'reinforced' by 'shoveling faster' or even negative attention. I think learning to 'meditate under pressure' is about the only non-reinforcing response. One doesn't have to do this perfectly, and in fact, if it's difficult to do but one persists, that's all to the better! What you want to achieve isn't 'freezing a kid out' but 'getting your own emotions out of the way' and giving the child the gift of self-learning. My mom did eventually learn to channel her intensity into productive channels, at least until the new and more stressful challenges were born.
Weirdly enough, I think that I'm 'showing faith' in my son when I let him muddle around in his negative feelings as long as he needs to as long as he isn't hurting or 'wet blanketing' anyone else. Boys are funny. As a Female, I love the give and take of asking for help. Most Males I know truly find it difficult to maintain their self-respect while receiving help. I set out to prove that this was nurture, and not nature - and count myself in the failure column. This isn't to say that some boys have personalities where this would have worked, but to remind us that some boys don't.
I do think that professional help/evaluation is worth seeking. It's not your job to have a diagnosis before you get on the evaluation train - although I totally get WHY it feels that way. You had me thinking that way right here:
99% of his communication is done through pointing and grunting and then a lot of high-pitched screaming if he can't get what he wants.
The high-pitched screaming thing would be enough to jolt me out of any kind of leadership position as a Parent, and pop me right into 'learning mode' like a lab rat in a cage. I wouldn't trust myself not to 'shovel faster' in those conditions.
I love that you are thinking about parenting each child as they need to be parented. Of course I prefer a parenting style where a slightly raised eyebrow stops the unwanted behavior and a hug is soon to follow. That what I wished I had gotten. But that isn't the child I was given. Actually that is the child I have now, but boy-o-boy-o it took some wild determination for me to get into the driver's seat and give something the felt very unnatural to me to get there.
So glad you had the greatness to come on and ask, and so glad you've already gotten some great feedback.
What does DH think of all this?
Love and More Love,
Grinity
