Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Do some gifted children hothouse themselves?

I feel like I am the activities coordinator and facilitator and sure I drive the action around the house, but I don't force anyone.

This summer I made almost daily trips to the library by myself, or with one or both of my sons. My sons like to read because we make them? More because we value it. And (after I read aloud) at bedtime they must be in their rooms on their bed reading (or playing without noise for the little one if he doesn't feel like reading). If they do that they get extra time to stay up. Later I turn the light out.

My older son was interested in a subject this summer. I found a free online class and facilitated getting him enrolled. He had 28 days to decide if the class was for him and he could have dropped it if he didn't like it or if I was the pushy one. I totally would have been okay with him dropping it and he knew that. He is still enjoying the class in addition to handling the beginning of a new school year and a sport he is involved in. I think he will be done by January.

Some people don't understand that some kids thrive with the challenge and stimulation and it isn't the parent forcing the issue but meeting the need. It is a need as much as food, clothing, shelter and exercise for my boys to keep challenged and learn new stuff.

Reading this and the other thread I realize on the one hand I am very lucky for DS personality but also that I have done a lot of growing myself in this year and half of revelations (prior to 4 we thought he was smart, brag worthy but not needing accommodations or anything).

DS LOVES learning - and loves anything new - someone in the other thread (i have not mastered multiple quotes yet :)) said they could offer to ship their kid somewhere in a carton and they would say yeah, lets go because it was new - that's mine too. He wants to learn everything, see everything and do everything with us and then some stuff in super depth. When he is not interested you can always tell, he doesn't stay as long, he fidgets more (although not always a sign - he can fall off the couch when really paying attention). I bring him his stack of books and he reads them or he doesn't, I never insist he read something, often I will just bring it back later. He wasn't that instantaneously math person that some kids are although that is where all his growth is now - and its as amazing as the reading development was. So I think I was a little more conscious about mentioning math concepts but I dragged out the cuisinir rods one day, he didn't like them so I put them back. I have noticed that if I approach things he has "difficulty" with from his strength - reading about math - he does great and learns and then enjoys multiplying and dividing IRL - like eggs with the egg slicer!

We did hothouse, in my view of the word, writing, but only briefly - to force him over the perfectionist rut he was in by borrowing Grinity's focus on grip and then doing it just 15 minutes a day, then we got him OT and then we let pre-k handle it and dropped all efforts focusing instead on attitude - oh you can do it, see look how much better you are, Ill draw this, you draw that. Sitting with workbooks just made him feel badly. Plus I've noticed that any hothousing tendencies arise from me thinking he "should" be doing something or "needs" to be doing something for some other reason than actual learning. I am learning to separate my drive from his - and since we are past the basics of reading, writing, numbers, colors and the potty - I feel like I only need to play cruise director - look at all these options for learning and let him lead.

I told DS that we make him do things for 2 reasons - his safety and wellbeing (we hold hands crossing the street) and our values (we eat with forks). Nothing we are doing with him intellectually falls into those categories so we don't make him do it - did I think it was important that he learn to write at 4, not until the pysch said he was really frustrated by not doing it, that falls into wellbeing. We signed him up for swimming and soccer, that falls into wellbeing. Do we need to focus more on addition and subtraction - no - so I follow his lead. I will keep offering more and more info, pacing myself with him and his responses. This is what works right now.

He is going to a gifted program like we hoped for - I suspect there will be people who think we are over the top tiger parents - but its not us, we let him drive that bus.

Sorry, I just don't seem to write short replies anymore!!!

DeHe

I've read some very interesting stories and perspectives in this thread. Thank you to everyone for responding.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is consideration for experience-dependent brain development. If the brain needs to be exercised to develop at its genetic potential, then does curiosity create a positive feedback loop that makes the child more interested in obtaining answers that inevitably lead to more questions, all the while growing the brain to be more capable of understanding complex answers? Or is it more like a nutritional deficiency, in which too little is harmful, but getting more than what's needed does nothing beneficial? Perhaps there are diminishing returns, but always a positive effect on the brain?

Obviously pushing children to do something against their will can have a negative impact on their self perception, and attitude. Are people also concerned that children need to learn to have faith in their own ability to figure things out?

Some parents here have children who seemed to learn something without being taught. Do you ever lament that your child could have learned that thing earlier, if only they had someone to teach it to them? If learning things makes the world more interesting, then why delay the process?

I just saw this post.

I think it is true that some do hothouse themselves in every subject and endeavor. But there are other gifted kids that do so only for certain subjects they have an intense interest in.

When my son gets "into the zone" on one of his interests and becomes frustrated because he can't do what he has envisioned, I have to tell him it's time to put whatever it is away. He would work himself up into a major fit if I didn't nip it in the bud.

So, yeah. He hothouses himself.

Just not in bike riding or learning to swim! LoL

What great questions! I wish I knew. I think there is something to the idea of a feedback loop.


I'm about 75% sure I could have taught DD to read earlier if I'd really tried. It might have been nice, only because DD got as lot easier once she could read! However, there is just so much baggage around this issue culturally and of course, you definitely don't want to turn them off by overdrilling. My DS shows the same signs of being very ready to learn to read. I THINK he might learn earlier than DD, based on a more persistent interest in sounding out, but time will tell. Anyway, I'm not teaching him either, though if he asks I will try.

My belief is that toddlers and preschoolers are learning all the time. In our culture unfortunately we often define "learning" as about academic learning like reading and math. Much of the important work of these early years involves different kinds of learning - social skills, motor skills, sensory development, development of the imagination, ability to self regulate and cope with emotions, etc. What many people don't seem to realize is later academic success depends in large measure on these nonacademic skills. Ability to direct yourself and cope with frustration as vital to coping with challenging academic material. Upper body muscle helps with handwriting. Imagination is required to be a good writer, etc. etc. etc.

So, no, I don't at all regret that I didn't teach my child academics sooner. I was quite confident academics would come to him easily and they have. It is the other stuff that I knew would be harder and have more risk of derailing his life happiness.

Yes very much so. I'm far less interested that young kids learn the exact content - how to spell rabbit or how to multiply by three - than I am than what they are learning about themselves as learners. If kids are learning means sit here and follow the directions on the worksheet or sit here and passively absorb what is on TV, they are getting a specific message about what it means to learn and what their role is in the process.

I wanted to thank you PTP for this gently worded post. Your consideration you show for others always comes through in your writing.

Three examples:

DC20--He's pg/2E, and it's a push-and-pull to get him to learn things. He'll zoom off with history documentaries and books on tape, learning everything in history, philosophy, and literature. We and teachers just sort of went along for the ride in some of those interests. However, it was a battle to get him to write anything or learn math. However, he had to learn it for school and to understand some of the subjects that caught his interest. I'd consider it hothousing, but it was just for his achievement to mirror his ability and avoid closing off options in the future.

DC17--She's the moderately gifted sort, and she's at a competitive high school, where everyone measures themselves against their classmates (her choice and seems mostly happy about school--left it alone). She sometimes decides to push her limits to compete with her classmates and find alternatives to "catch up." Never had this desire until ending up in this district and missing the gifted cut-off by a point in middle school.

Me as a kid--I was the sort who would read anything in the house and check out more books than I could carry on every subject when we went to the library--wanted to learn everything as deeply and broadly as I could about every subject. I'm still that way, though I've never had pressure from my parents to perform at a certain level. I think I've overwhelmed most of my teachers and definitely my parents since I started learning, and it was usually a struggle to keep up with me.

So, I think it depends on the child. Some need to be pushed to avoid falling behind in areas and limitting what they can do later in life. Some are very competitive in school environments and push themselves to "be better" at something. Some just have an intensity to learn everything, regardless of their environments...

How do you help the child who has no purely academic passions, but does have passion for elaborate, creative projects that are very difficult to actually execute? DD has for years been planning boutique stores for holidays, dance shows, fund raisers, and greeting card companies. She comes up with tickets, flyers, costume designs and lyrics, even greeting cards. She wanted to take a small business class for kids this summer but was too young.

The problem is, as parents know with these projects, the devil is in the details and quite honestly, I'm probably the least organized guy on the block. Another problem is she is intolerant of correction or being shown a better way, but some of her creative efforts are really impressive and I feel I'm letting her down by not finding a way to see these projects through.

One concern I have is that if I managed to see one of these projects through, she might be crushed when she discovers she hasn't practiced her routines and lyrics hard enough, or that nobody buys her greeting cards. But then that's all part of her being stubborn and learning the hard way. Is this just play that she takes as far as she needs to, or am I failing to properly support a HG child?