Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Overcoming Perfectionism

I would love to hear some good anecdotes for how you or your child were able to get past perfectionism. So far it seems my DD would rather fail and know it's because she didn't turn something in at all, than turn in something she felt was not good enough to have her name on it.

Nik, it must be such a struggle for your DD.

We used the book Parenting Your Asperger Child, which advocates "deliberate sabotage"-- you run out of the favorite food item and they have to make do with a substitute, or you walk an unfamiliar route instead of the familiar one. All these little choices add up to more personal flexibility and over time increase coping skills. This may seem off topic to you, but it's a closely related problem.

This approach goes for the more abstract problem of academic work too. Getting used to producing a terrible first draft, making it better within a particular time frame, and then actually turning it in even if it still has problems in it will need practice (and lots of support!).

I wonder if you're feeling that she'll manage college all right. What does she think of her own prospects? Does she know how to find help if she's floundering, or is she likely to not know to ask for help before she just out and out fails? If both you and she evaluate her skills realistically, you'll be better able to make a plan that will help her succeed.

DeeDee

p.s. Anne Lamott's book "Bird by Bird" has a chapter on first drafts (she calls them (scatological expletive) first drafts). It is a very useful chapter for getting writing process started-- but for your DD, the process of stopping the writing and turning the product in will be harder, and so I'm not sure whether Lamott will be useful for her, or not. You might pre-read it and see.

I think with my DD, the symptoms of AS are so mild/sporadic that there were questions as to whether to even give her the dx so I am trying to look at where the specific problems are through a wider lens. We are still very much trying to tease out what exactly is really going on. She is not that rigid and inflexible, but I see what you are getting at...She would never do a first draft and would vehemently object on the basis that it was unnecessary and a waste of time. My other DD was the same way and would just create a "first draft" afterwords if necessary to fulfill assignment requirements. The only difference was, she would actually turn something in consistently, I never made the connection to it (unwillingness to produce draft) possibly being a perfectionism issue on this DD's part.

I suspect (hope) she will do well at this college (I'm gambling $20K that she will), but I am trying to make sure I have done what I can to start her out with the best foot forward in the time we have.

She thinks she will do well too, but when asked specifically about writing she sort of shrugs and seems resigned to the notion of it being out of her hands whether inspiration will strike or not. She knows there are writing tutors and it appears that the students are expected to work with writing tutors so I feel that she will be able to use that service.

I am trying to isolate the core issue so she will know what kind of help to ask for if it comes down to it. It keeps coming back to difficulty writing on demand. But why that's a problem is the question. I think perfectionism may be playing a starring role and I think she may also be dealing with some degree of dispraxia or disorder of written expression, I recently learned from her aunt that her dad had/has disgraphia/dispraxia so that would make sense too.

I think learning from others about overcoming perfectionism may be helpful in understanding how common a problem it is and real-life testimonials on overcoming it seem more effective than reading psychology books.

There are some links and a list of recommendations here: http://www.giftedwiki.org/index.php?title=Perfectionism

It's still a work in progress. If you click on the little magnifying glass icons above each section, you will see some options that may be helpful in searching further.

ETA: Pasted in some content, per st. pauli girl's recommendation for a forum guideline, to try it on for size.

Helping gifted perfectionists

The following measures have been suggested as helpful for perfectionists:
[list]
[*]Give permission to make mistakes. (McIntyre, 1989)
[*]Use ungraded assignments calling for creative, individual work rather than right/wrong answers. (McIntyre, 1989)
[*]Limit time that can be spent on an assignment, or number of corrections allowed. (McIntyre, 1989)
[*]Explain that schools are places to learn, not just demonstrate achievement. (Brophy)
[*]Explain that errors are normal, expected, and necessary aspects of learning (Brophy)
[*]Explain that everyone makes mistakes, including teachers and parents. (Brophy)
[*]Teach a child to measure achievement by progress over the past, rather than comparisons with peers or ideals of perfection. (Brophy)
[*]Create an environment of acceptance. (Greenspon) Talk about your expectations as a parent, and that you love your child for who she is, not because she meets expectations.
[*]Avoid putting pressure on a child to be perfect, including with oral tone and body language. (Hately)
[*]Don't add to the pressure with extra work or scheduling constraints. (Roedell) For example, don't overschedule a child with lessons and activities, leaving no time for free play. Don't pile on extra academic work to help a child reach her potential.
[*]Do not lower (realistic, achievable) standards of performance. (Hately)
Make a child aware of mistakes a parent has made. (Hately, Rimm) Model lessons learned, and try to laugh at one's own mistakes. (Rimm)
[*]Help children understand that they can be satisfied when they've done their best. (Rimm)
[*]Use praise which is enthusiastic but moderate, thus conveying values that children can achieve. (Rimm) Use "excellent" rather than "perfect", "You're a good thinker" or "You do very well when you try" instead of "You're brilliant", etc.
[*]Explain that a child may not be learning if all of her work is perfect, and that making mistakes is an important aspect of challenge. (Rimm)
[*]Teach appropriate, constructive criticism skills, for a child to use with herself and others. (Rimm) Help a child learn to take constructive criticism.
[*]Read biographies of successful people who surmounted failures. (Rimm)
Teach a child that routines and habits should not be so rigid as to be immutable. Model flexibility by purposefully breaking routines every so often. (Rimm)
[*]Explain that there is very often more than one way to succeed. (Rimm)
Divide projects into beginning, intermediate and final draft stages, with perfection promoted only for the final draft. (McIntyre, 1989) For example, designing a product prototype will entail multiple stages of mockups, etc. that are not expected to be perfect, while still tending towards improvement of the final product (a.k.a. good perfectionism).
[*]Avoid modeling perfectionistic tendencies for a child. (Rimm) Avoid being self-critical. Make attempts to fail in minor ways in front of a child, and act like it is no cause for alarm but rather to try harder or fail constructively. Take open pride in the quality of your work, and the fact that you've done your best.
[*]Encourage a child to take risks, and find activities with safe opportunities for minor failure. (Hately) Find activities, such as sports, that a child is not inherently good at and has to work to master.
[*]Help a child set realistic goals. (Pyryt)
[*]Help a child to concentrate on those tasks that require extra effort and/or are high value. (Pyryt) This might include teaching a child that 80% of a reward often comes from 20% of the total effort.
[*]Help a child develop a capacity for constructive failure. (Pyryt) Any present imperfection should be seen as allowing for future improvement.
[*]Teach a child to know when to quit. (Pyryt) This is especially important with increasing amounts of information available for research online.
[*]Encourage a child to separate their own self-worth from their work. (Pyryt)
[*]Help a child realize that the commitment to excellence is a lifelong struggle, and the present circumstances are a step towards the future. (Pyryt)
[*]Remind a child that a grade only indicates the perceived value of an assignment from one teacher's perspective, matched against a particular rubric. (Pyryt)
[*]Discuss observations of a child's perfectionistic tendencies with educators and other care-givers. (Pyryt)
[*]Get professional help from a counselor or psychologist, if perfectionism is leading to other problems (OCD, panic attacks, eating disorders, depression, etc.). (Pyryt)
[*]Find a child activities that bring joy, independent of any success / failure metrics. (Pyryt)
[*]

ETA 2: Looks like the list functionality doesn't work right now. Oh, well.

Some books related to perfectionism

Adderholdt, Miriam & Goldberg, Jan (1992). Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good.
Callard-Szulgit, Rosemary (2003). Perfectionism and Gifted Children.
Dweck, Carol (2007). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
Greenspon, Thomas S. (2001). Freeing Our Families from Perfectionism.
Greenspon, Thomas S. (2007). What to Do When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids.
Quindlen, Anna (2005). Being Perfect.
Terner, Janet (1978). The Courage to be Imperfect: The Life and Work of Rudolf Dreikurs.

OMG DeeDee, I think that book is by the same person as a motivational poster I saw briefly once that changed my whole outlook on life for the better. I have been wanting to find that again for years, what a trip! Thanks!

Wow, That gifted wiki went up quick! BOOKMARKED! It's awesome, thanks!!!