Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Hothousing social skills

Ok. So. My kid doesn't play well with kids his age, but doesn't have the social skills, quite, to play with older kids. He's missing a few definable things, such as a clear sence of turntaking. He's showing interest in learning these things. But it's really hard for him to learn them.

I think this will solve itself. But. I'm tempted to push him.

Yesterday he DEMANDED to go to the local board-games cafe. I couldn't take him, but we had a few minutes and were near a toy store I like to support. So we bought him a game. The clear and present question is: how is he permitted to play with his new game. I told him off the bat that if he was big enough to have a game like that he was big enough to take care of it (not throw peices around, clean it up promptly, etc). He played it though with me following the rules well, with suport.

I'm thinking of making it a game he is required to play *correctly,* as in, by the rules, and that I will not play with him if he won't give me my turns, or "cheats." I'd certainly allow him to make up alternate versions with alternate rules, just not to break those rules.

What would you do?

-Mich

This is something that may take much effort and patients. It's a good idea to play when rules are followed and stop if not.

How old is your child? boy? girl?

I would suggest trying some social time with other children who can be a good example. Do small doses of time building up to longer as tolerance builds. An older cousin might be good to play games with.

It helps to remember children want to please. IF they are not doing something well yet, they just need to learn better.

I also would like to know the age of the child.

It seems odd to me to hear it referred to as "hothousing social skills". Teaching your kid to take turns sounds like parenting to me.

I thought any time I was playing with my kids, as opposed to kids playing together, was a good opportunity to have many teachable moments. From the time I played any game with them, taking turns, no cheating, and basic decency towards all others in the games were requirements and conditions of my playing with them.

I would think any child wanting to play a board game is old enough to start learning such things. I also would't think of this as hot housing but rather as parenting. Aren't parents supposed to teach their kids how to interact with other kids?

He's 2.5 right? For my kids going on the slide at a busy playground was the single best lesson in turn taking, playing fair & following rules. They have to learn that you go up the ladder and down the slide, get off and out of the way fast, don't climb back up the slide (when taking turns with lots of kids), no wasting time at the top, no pushing, etc. There are quite a few rules, but it all moves fast so it's not boring waiting your turn and you don't need to know or make friends with the other kids to learn the lesson.

I wouldn't call this "hothousing" social skills, and maybe I'm a "mean" mommy, but since our son was old enough to have games like Candy Land (past putting things in his mouth), if he wouldn't give me my turn, or if he took my pieces, I would get up and say I didn't want to play with him.

Of course, he cried. Then I explained that it makes the game not fun for me and that other kids won't want to play with him either if he acts that way.

It only took a couple of times for him to catch on I meant business. His self-control improved greatly.

I've tried to put myself in the place of any child my son would be playing with, and act as I imagined they would in that circumstance. If he hit me on purpose, I would cry out and say he hurt me and tell him if he hits, no one will want to be his friend. If I didn't get an apology, that would end our play.

Much of this he learned last year when he was three, but he still occasionally needs a reminder.

Now he's still learning about possessions: I have a trinket that my grandmother gave me that is very old and has childhood memories for me. My son has asked to hold it in the past and I have said no. He pouted, but I stood my ground. Now that he's more careful of things, I told him he could look at it "for a minute and just right here with me". When I wanted it back, he started to throw a fit.

I sent him to his room and told him that when someone lets him borrow something of theirs and wants it back, he absolutely DOES NOT start crying, but says thank you- with a smile- and gives it BACK! I told him that no one will want to let him borrow anything of theirs if they know he is going to act like that when they want it returned.

For me, teaching social skills are one of the most exhausting parts of being a parent!

He's ONLY 2.25! (I'm still getting over quarter years, sorry, I'll be there soon, I promise!) And the game we got is a card-mathing old-maid style game. Matching the cards is easy for him, but waiting for an oponent to think, not moving the cards to make it easier to remember, letting me take the points when he *knew* but it wasn't his turn, those bits are the hard bits.

He's fine with taking turns on things like slides, better than average, I'd say, it's really the longer, more drawn out, less physical turns that involve decisions and rule following that I'm thinking of pushing... Which is why I called it hot-housing: I'm considering really PUSHING. I think once he starts to "get it" it will make him able to do a lot of other things he wants to do, but it'll be a real, intense, effort for him at first -- more than would be fun.

He can show a lot of restraint, but this would be substantially more.

If he's really not allowed to play with the game peices outside of playing the game, we will get a lot of quarter-games, followed by crying and frustration when asked to put it away. We'd only let him take it out right after a nap, because that's the time he'd have any chance of getting though a whole game. Like I said, he did manage a full game (with support; me putting things back in the right places and explaining why, etc). He _really_ likes it, and I've made him wait quite a long time to get an actual game, 'cause really, he just _doesn't_ have the restraint yet.

It may also be useful to know that he really does not play by himself at all, so when we've played other games, we've often devolved after a while into just playing with the pieces together, rather than my getting up and stomping off. Which is really not a problem... just that under certain circumstances the rules CANNOT be dispensed with (which is really the main thing he needs to learn in order to successfully pretend stuff/build stuff with much older kids).

Thanks for your help!
-Mich

I read somewhere that social skills are kid currency. I like the way they worded that. Yahtzee is another goody, if you just use the number half of the score card and let him take his roll and make his matches then write down a tally of how many matching dice you have in the correct box. Wyatt 3.5's hands are big enough to manage UNO so that's our current fave, doesn't take too long and it's easy enough for me to play with the baby in my lap. He's bugging me to play monopoly. We never have finished a monopoly game... has anyone ever? It was a great early one for getting him to count each space instead of counting faster than he was moving. Actually Clue was more fun because it has more cooler little pieces (characters & weapons) and you can take your move in more than just one direction. That one just took a lot of set up on my part, but he could choose which room to move to and I'd tell him, ok, guess one of the people, weapons, and rooms that you don't have. He does play with the game pieces when we're not playing but he hasn't lost anything and the worst he did was stepped on the corner of one of the box tops. Game skills = kid current cy.

I am finding this thread so interesting. My eldest is 9 and we only just noticed this month that we basically had no board games, and never played the ones we did. We had a brief affair with Uno when she was somewhere between 5 and 7 and that was it. It never would have occured to me to play board games with my kids. But turn taking in playground was sorted between 12 and 18 months for each of my three. Our kids have awesome climbing skills but no ball skills.

It really highlights to me how much "they taught themselves to read/math/etc" is still very much driven by how we parent. I would say my kids taught themselves to climb just about anything, to do puzzles, various other things - but I did provide those opportunities. I did not provide my eldest with any real access to money before 7 years old, or talk to her about analogue clocks, we never looked at atlases. There are lots of things that gifted kids are apparently interested in that my kids have never been exposed to even the tiniest bit in order to develop said interest.

I think we have mostly done a decent job of parenting, but we have some weird gaps in things that we have (not) done with our kids and I am sure most other families have not done things that we would take for-granted.

Michaela - It sort of sounds like you are saying if he learns how to follow the game rules and take turns with a parent then he will be able to play with older kids successfully. In my experience that's not how it really works. Most preschool and lower elementary kids don't play board games successfully with other kids. It tends to be an activity they do more with older siblings or adults. Even if your kid gets it down 100% with you he still may not find 4-8 year olds who are able to do the same. Many in this age range will creatively change the rules as it suits them and your son who has been taught to follow the rules may find himself totally unprepared to deal with that. And, none of that is getting into the reality that five year olds may have no interest in playing with a two year old no matter how advanced.

That isn't to say you shouldn't play card or board games. They are lots of fun. It may also be an area where he could start to learn to play by himself (or against a teddy bear).