Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Suggestions to Improve Executive Function...

...when mom's EF is weak also?

I'm chronically disorganized and live a cluttered lifestyle. My husband is neat but not in the house much. Our son is 9 and finishing 3rd grade. For the past 2 years he's been in a G/T Center public school.

His second grade year was fine. He's always done very well in class and with any tests or in class assignments. His school uses the same "Planner" system for homework starting in second grade, and they really try to make it work for all students. In second grade his teacher watched as the children wrote down each homework assignment in the correct location and made them do it over if they goofed up.

In third grade at first, his teacher did the same. She also wouldn't let the kids leave the class at dismissal until she had checked their books and papers to be sure that kids have every textbook and item needed to do homework! So for the first half of the year my son had no problem doing homework and turning it in.

Gradually however his third grade teacher has been removing these supports for the whole class, and the past several months my son has just floundered. He forgets to bring books home, he doesn't know where his project packet is, he DOES his work but forgets to write his name or somehow it just doesn't get turned in. Classwork also is missing lately -- I assume he does the work but it just never finds its way to the inbox, and the teacher doesn't hunt it down -- she says it is his job to turn it in.

My son has a horrible sense of time. And he fights me when I try to help him plan things out -- says "I'll do it later" but then later never comes, and it is 5 minutes tioll the bus, and he suddenly realizes he doesn't have enough time to finish the 20 minute project he has to do.

When it is time to do homework, he'll futz around for hours finishing a worksheet that should take him 10 minutes -- this is especially true if it is something that he perceives will be hard for him. the only thing that helps sometimes is drawing him a time chart with 15 minutes increments marks on it, and keeping track of what he's been doing all afternoon long.

His room is an absolute wreck. The thing is, I'm not much better than he is. I've somehow managed though to at least be motivated to be organized, to turn things in on time, and to get work done before pleasurable things (more or less).

So I need advice. I really am worried about the move to 4th grade. Everyone at his school tells me that the fourth grade teacher expects even more of kids than the third grade teacher does. While my child doesn't have a diagnosis of Executive Function Disorder or ADD or anything like that, I'm pretty sure he c ould have the diagnosis is we pursued it. But I really just want to help him improve so he isn't so frustrated and we aren't arguing all the time.

I am looking for ideas of things we can do over the summer that might help both of us get ready for next year. Any thoughts??

First of all, it's awesome that you have found one thing that works. I say - work it! Do it everyday all summer long.

Your next step is to work on you. Theoretically that will be easier than it would be to work on someone else, right? Consider yourself a 'lab experiment' to figure out what works for someone who is genetically similar, right?

How to solve the messy house problem? Check out the flylady thread. Just follow the directions, even though they don't look like they will work! This is an experiment in trust and experiential learning. In 30 days you will have learned a boatload about how to have the life you want.

We really get to know ourselves when it comes time to making a decision - this item right here - do I love it? do I need it? does it make me smile?

If you can't answer yes to at least one of those questions, then the item has to leave the house. Then you won't have to spend all day trying to 'organize clutter' which is not possible! You will have more time for parenting and you will be in a better mood. You will start to know who you are in a deeper way than before. You will be ready to help your son get what he needs - but this isn't an instant cure...you have to really change first. Allow yourself at least 3 months of working on your end of the problem before you do anything new with DS, besides what you know already works - the time map.

Love and more love,
Grinity

Try mindfulness meditation. Really!

We just bought our DD9 an iPod touch, on which I set up the App "home routines" as a task manager for her. Interestingly enough it's fly lady inspired and I used to use it myself to keep track of my own life when I was so sleep deprived I could not remember anything on my own. DD has a list of everything she has to do each day of the week, particularly school mornings and afternoons, and checks each one off as she goes. She can see if she has all the stars she needs yet and she can see all her accomplishments for the day. She uses the timer a lot (ie 15 mins to get dressed and do hair, 20 mins for this homework task). She finds the iPod clock/timer much more useful than the egg tmer she used to use, it seems to give her a better sense of time past and remaining.

At the end of the first week she was ready for school 15 mins before we had to leave - 30 mins before she used to be ready, with all her jobs done and little hassling from me.

It's also self rewarding. If she gets ready in time she can play (educational) games on it and I can take it away too. I let her do math or spelling games anytime, non educational stuff is only if she has time after school or on a weekend.

It stays with me during the school day. Which is safer but I think she would do better at school organization using it.

I forgot to say - I could not stomach flylady on a daily basis. But having a bit of a read of her site and some home organization blogs was a great primer to then setting up the home routines app. The combination of having a manageable plan and the "home routines" app running was really helpful for me getting back on track post baby. And the approach of doing a little each day all week is much more effective and realistic for me now that I have three kids than the" once a week big clean" approach I learned at home (where I was an only child an no-one was home much to create chaos on a daily basis).

There is something to be said for getting a diagnosis. My D (now 16) has had so many of the same issues you describe, and really is just getting some EF "sea legs" this year as a sophomore in high school. No amount of list making, sticker charts, planners (lost, left out in the rain), timers (lost), electonic tools (lost), assignment notebooks, folder systems, etc. helped. I am pretty organized, so we tried LOTS of things over the years, none of which made much difference. Even when she wanted to, she just couldn't get organized.

A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with a non-verbal learning disorder. This has helped us in a few ways:

- It helps her and me to know (and remember) that she isn't being dumb or willful when she has EF problems. Her brain does not process correctly in that area. She has worked harder to master skills and techniques to organize herself since getting the diagnosis, and I have definitely become more patient when problems occur sometimes. I just help her out, and we talk calmly about how to avoid the same problem in the future.

- Her teachers are aware, and last year especially they gave her some extra reminders and cut her some slack if she turned in something a day or two late. Like your son, she does her homework, just doesn't always remember to take it or turn it in. This year she seems to be doing better, only a few lapses. Which is good, since college is only 2 years away.

- In looking at colleges, we have been considering what will be best for a kid who has organization issues. Several on her list have trimesters (only 3 classes at a time for shorter terms) instead of 4 or 5 classes at a time. We also have one college on her list that has block scheduling (1 class in each 3 week period). We have some other colleges with "normal" schedules on the list, too -- she did make improvements this year, so she will visit and might apply to some where she would take 4 classes at a time. Her high school has block scheduling, and this quarter she had 3 academic honors classes, and got As in all of them. So I am starting to think that maybe she can handle a regular college schedule. But we are keeping her options open

- One thing that has helped in high school is that they all have laptops (school provided) that they HAVE to have for all classes. She puts "stickies" (like an electronic post-it) on her laptop desktop to remind herself of things. That has been helpful.

- I have joined an online group for parents of gifted kids with NVLDs. They have had good advice on things like when and how to teach my D to drive. So having a diagnosis can help you find books and other people to connect with who will have some suggestions you might find helpful.

I do add a recommendation for FlyLady to what everyone says above. Babysteps for you and your DS But getting the diagnosis is a good thing.

Thank you so much for all your comments.

Yes, I am VERY familiar with FlyLady... I started reading her website about 8 years ago, I think, and even signed up for her reminder emails but they got to be much too overwhelming.

One problem I have with my son and decluttering is that he gets extremely anxious about the idea of throwing ANYTHING away. Even, say, the wrappers and cardboard box that his Pokemon cards came in. And he kind of panics if I tell him I am going to clean his room without him present. But if he is present, I'll pick up things and ask if we can throw it out, and 99% of the time, he says "no" and takes it and shoves it in a drawer. Old rubber bands, scraps of paper, whatever. I do wonder if he has some sort of hoarding disorder.

I'm not tidy, but I don't have any problem parting with objects.

This is very interesting, thank you! I had come across the idea before but had forgotten about it.

Great - start with every part of the house that isn't his! Once the whole house is humming nicely along, cleaning itself, it will be much easier for DS to get in the habit of parting with stuff.

Part of perfectionism - the kind that keeps us trapped, is to blame, blame, blame ourselves for every little thing. I remembered the first time I threw away something - a 7$ cord - that I remembered later that I really did need. Yes I threw away 74 pounds of clutter plus a 7$ cord. This was about 10 years ago, and I wish I could play you a tape of the 'tonge-lashing' I gave myself! Intensity plus high expectations plus anxiety = explosive emotional self punishing. I made a mistake. After about 3 minutes I said: "Oh, so that's what I've been trying to avoid by never throwing anything away - I feel sorry for myself for the way I treat myself, and I feel sorry for the person who taught me to act like this! I do want to live in a nice house, so I'm going to have to accept that I'm imperfect, and fork over the 7$ for the new cord. So I sat down and ordered it right away, apologized to myself, and celebrated the 74lbs of trash that I had been willing to give up!

It was quite a remarkable moment. I was almost 40 years old. It may be that a diagnosis is the way to go, but in addition, get started with the babysteps and get your 'house in order' before you go after DS. Well, give yourself a 3 month head start anyway. I remember writing email after email to Flylady in my early days: "I can fix myself, but how do I fix my DS and DH?"

She just kept writing back - keep babystepping, it will happen.

and I've seen amazing, but slow, results!

Last winter DH was willing to tackle the basement. It was on my list to go down and do my share, but his share was 90% and I'd been putting it off. One morning he woke up and said: "I should do this." And over the next two months he did. I hadn't said a thing. It's just that when one person raises the bar everyone around them catches the spirit.

Last summer DS was packing for camp while in a hotel room. DH and DS had for many long years teased me for making the bed (all I do is straighten up the sheets, I don't tuck) at hotels and motels.
So DS was repacking his duffle, and I heard him lecturing me: "Mom, you have to make the bed before you dump the stuff out because if you don't you'll never know what got lost in the sheets! I'll show you!"

I nodded quietly, but on the inside I was cheering!

Love and More Love,
Grinity