Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion HG 6 year old with intense fears

I have a 6 year old (turned 6 yesterday!), and while I am waiting on his full report, I was told by the tester he got a 155 fsiq on the WISC a few weeks ago. He is a great kid, though argumentative, but our issue is that he will NOT sleep in his bed all night. He comes in within an hour of us going to bed. We try walking him back, but he just comes in 20 minutes later, and often we don't even hear him, we just wake up and there he is, sprawled out. He is afraid during the day, too, and always wants someone in a room with him, including in the bathroom. We have another child who is almost 4 and would probably sleep in her own room, but her big brother doesn't, so we can't be firm with her. So most mornings there we all are, kids in the middle and my husband and I crammed on the edges.

This is definitely not new, but is also not improving. We have tried to reassure him we can keep him safe, bad guys can't get in, his room is great ... nighlocks don't exist ... He responds with things like, "well, we hunted bin laden for ten years, so that means we were both out there for 5 years, so you can only do so much ..." (I did not tell him about bin laden! What am I,nuts?). Does anyone have any suggestions? We cannot lock him out of our room if he is really so terrified.

I'm a new poster! Thanks for reading.

I would seriously consider whether therapy is an option. It may be that something really short term would make a difference. Intense kids needs to learn to manage this stuff and I wouldn't just assume he'd grow out of it.

I found this book a helpful overview of child anxiety. http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-Child-Anxiety-Practical/dp/0767914929/ref=pd_sim_b_4

This is a good book for kids. http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Dread-Your/dp/1433803186/ref=pd_sim_b_5

I just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone. And my boy is 8.5! It was a lot worse when he was 4-7years old, peaking between age 6-7...but at the time he slept with us anyway because we lived in a tiny apartment.

I don't know if you already have something like this but when we moved to a larger home, we installed a burglar alarm with the monitoring service. He checks if it's switched on about 5 times a night and stops at about 5 because he knows I'd give him the eye roll. Previously, we managed to allay his fears a little by teaching him how to make booby traps. The traps were actually harmless but being involved in the process of making them gave him some control over his fears.

That's a strong FSIQ score! Congratulations! Are you planning to apply for the YS program?

It will hopefully get better...I'm not sure how much better but at least more manageable when they are older. Age 6-7 was tough on us because he was processing a lot of the information he'd internalized about safety, security, death, diseases etc all at once. He would read all of that at the younger ages and then somehow I think at 6-7 it clicked that it could happen to him too and it got quite intense for a while. This year has been easier. He agrees to sleep in his room about half the time and the other half, we'd find him in our bed in the morning!

Take care and good luck!

Thanks, I will pick up the books. He knows all about our alarm system but is not sure it is "fast enough." I spent a lot of time today talking about reality vs. fiction, green screen and the like ... We have been over it before though. I will keep plugging away and keep therapy in the back of my mind.

He is starting a program for highly and profoundly gifted kids this fall, so I hope the challenge helps. He's feeling a little alone in his kindergarten, I think.

I don't totally understand the YS program, to be honest, I will have to look into it.

Thanks for the thoughts!

Anxiety is highly treatable-- cognitive behavior therapy is great for this, medication is also an option.

I think lots of people don't realize how disabling anxiety can be-- even in a young child it can take up so much brain space that they're nearly unable to think of anything besides their fears. It is a form of suffering and not a very nice way to live.

We found that treating anxiety let our kid be infinitely happier, more able to learn and grow and try new things.

DeeDee

Maybe you've tried this already, but with my fearful 6/7yo, I found that what she needed was an absolute promise from me, not explanations of why what she feared was very unlikely. She needed me to say, "You don't have to worry about that. I promise it won't happen to you. My most important job is to keep you safe, and I will." I think this allowed her to relax and let go of the feeling that she had to somehow be alert to the danger at all times.

Good point about anxiety not being a nice way to live. I'm sure my son would rather just run down the hall to his room to get something rather than needing his mom, dad, or little sister to come along. We get frustrated with it from our point of view, but it must be tough to be him. He won't use the bathroom alone at school, either, so only goes when someone else needs to as well.

There have been times when we have suspected that he simply wants someone to talk to all the time ...probably, though, both are true.

I tried yesterday to really reassure him we are qualified to keep him safe. He said, "I am not sure you know what you are talking about." which led to a long discussion of whether there was anyone who did, in his opinion. He said he thinks he is the only person who really knows what he is talking about.

Perhaps I should look for a therapist. He loves talking about concepts and theoretical ideas so he'd probably like it.

My DS 7 has this issue too. He wet himself twice at school one day because he did not want to go to the bathroom by himself. He has been going to therapy which he loves - he asked if he can keep going even when he is not scared to be alone. It actually has gotten better over the last several months and he is starting to go to the bathroom, get up, etc. by himself. He stays in his room at night but he has to have the covers completely over his head. Today was the first day that he has ever gotten out of the bed by himself and come out to the kitchen where I was.

The therapy has been really eye opening for me because in the first session where we talked about how long he has been scared - he said it started when he was about 4. When he was 4, I realized 1) we moved to a different city; 2) my husband had a kidney transplant; 3) my DS broke his femur and was in a full body cast for 10 weeks and 4) I got diagnosed with a genetic heart condition. He is resilent, but maybe that was a lot for a 4 year old and added to his lingering fear of being alone.

I think therapy is a great idea. My son does play therapy and loves it.

Oh, and one tip we got that has been pretty effective is to give him some sort of buzzer, whistle, bell, etc. to use to contact us should he be in danger. We let our DS pick out his call tool so we have a bicycle horn sitting on the back of the toilet. At first he would use it to call us because he felt scared but we reinforced that it was for dangerous situations and we let him sort of play with it while we were there - ie a few fun honks. He has not touched it now in a few weeks.

Wow deonne, your son's 4th year was quite a year for your family -- sorry.

We have moved twice in the past year, which definitely hasn't helped. We are staying put now, though, so it is a good time to work on it.

This forum is great, thanks to all of you for your posts! I am going to look into some therapy for him. And maybe start off with some bike horns too