Hi Jen,
He's in a private school, if I recall. If you were in a public school I'd say try to get PE support into the IEP-- the PE teacher doesn't get to say he doesn't have time if the IEP obligates him to do the right thing.
In private school you have no legal protection for a kid with disabilities; you are more at the mercy of the good will of the team. Lots of teachers in private schools are there because they don't want to deal with challenging kids like they have in public school. You can talk to the principal, but he/she may or may not be willing to make the PE teacher be helpful, and the PE teacher may resent this and continue to follow his own path even if the principal does choose to try.
How sure are you, incidentally, that your DS doesn't have Asperger's? In this and several of your previous posts he sounds exactly like mine at that age. The meltdowns don't sound like ADHD alone to me, though I am not qualified to diagnose over the internet.
As to whether it's a waste of time: In our family we've made the decision that we need to keep working at this with DS and not give up. Partly because he's a boy and sports are an important social outlet right through college and beyond-- and partly because we live in a place where sports are valued in the community.
We started with practicing losing at board games, and worked from there to individual sports that are particularly frustrating, and then to group sports. We have in the past sent him to an inclusion sports camp where he'd have access to an aide and let him work through the stress of team games with help.
It's much, much better now, not totally fixed, but better enough that he can play kickball or dodgeball at recess, or any game in gym, without flipping out. I think this was a good investment. We are never going to be a huge soccer family or anything, but it's good enough to allow him full participation at school.
However, every family gets to decide what investments they want to make-- you do have to pick your battles.
HTH,
DeeDee
