Hi Jesse,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. There were some incredibley useful suggestions in your post and I wasn't offended in any way.
When you said,"She isn't doing it out of spite or to embarass you, she is (not knowing how else to) expressing her feelings/thoughts the only way she knows how (for now) -- in a very raw way, unedited, pure" and "I know it is hard to swallow but what you have here is a non-tainted, pureness, un-edited version of your child. The real her with all her feelings. This is before she learns to keep her feelings to herself, to not express what she is thinking, etc." it actually brought tears to my eyes. You know, that could be about loving myself too since I was that child and still work very hard to contain and control the "surges" inside. I guess I want to spare her some pain.
I like the idea about discussing the "what ifs" in terms of unpredictable things: what if there isn't a cake. Heck, I think I mentioned it to her on the way there, but did not understand the extend the actual cake meant so much to her. She really is into cakes and candles, but wow, I didn't see the tsunami coming. The doll thing was quite unexpected too since she has gone to parties and never reacted to gifts. I think she was just in a very thin-skinned place and I wasn't as sympathetic to it as I could have been because I can end up feeling as though I am walking on eggshells.
I do think that invalidating feelings isn't the best way to go; I know how irritated I am when my husband does that to me, but on the other hand, I want to find some way to give her tools to be able to adjust the intensity of her reactions and to see that you can feel really hurt or angry but it isn't polite to carry on so loudly that you are taking away from the birthday experience of the birthday child. That is about respect and empathy. I know her feelings were huge to her, and I hope I can respond with sensitivity next time this happens, but I'm worn a little thin with it and we do need to find ways to dampen it down.
Thanks for the suggestions to role play. We really don't do much of that around here. She doesn't have a way to earn money or points around here yet and honestly, I think the urge to possess the doll will pass (she went to an audition for something related to this doll so it was on her mind that day and will probably disappear).
How old is your child now and how are things going in terms of emotionaly intensity?
