Twinkle Toes - I have two "too much" kids. I can imagine only too well how you are feeling. I can say that my two have calmed down considerably (they are now 7 and 8). My daughter did better socially than my son because she is by nature a kind, generous motherly sort. She too would hug kids obsessively and tightly, talk very loudly, boss kids around. School and some wonderful teachers helped her really channel all this energy into more appropriate behavior. She was able to see that the other kids might not like what she was doing. She is still intense as in if she meets a new friend or bonds on the playground over a game that person is now her "best best friend" and she "loves them".
My son on the other hand is still clueless as to how the other kids veer away from him as he talks too loud, gets in their space and jumps, tugs, and squeezes to get someone's attention. He often comes home upset because the kids won't play with him or said something mean about him. He claims he "did nothing" that would make them behave this way. It doesn't help that he was grade skipped and is not only intense but less mature than the other kids. Luckily his behavior is mellowing out although sometimes I wonder if he is just defeated and stays "small" to try and fit in. I do think he needs to adjust his behavior so as not to annoy everyone all the time but it seems to have been a "shrinking" experience and not a "growing" experience if that makes any sense to you.
Your post about being told that your daughter was no longer able to go to that parents house for a playdate really resonated as well. We had a birthday party situation here that resulted in a group of parents saying that they were trying to figure out how to have a birthday party and not invite DD. She didn't hurt anyone or say anything mean or bad - she was just loud and rambunctious etc. - on stimulus overload. It was her teacher who told me about the other parents because she thought I would want to know. I felt so many things - anger at the parents, shame and rejection on behalf of my DD, sad and hopeless because I just wanted her to have friends and to be able to let her play with friends etc. without worrying that she will overwhelm the parent/playmate. We are finally at that point although I still have a bit of anxiety when she is going to a friends house. I like when she picks friends who also have high energy etc.
My son unfortunately doesn't get invited for playdates very much. He has a different nature though and often prefers to be alone. I do not get to watch him interact with his peers as often but I do substitute in their school and he seems to be more socially appropriate now. I imagine the other kids responses to him have eventually sunk in a bit but it was a long painful sinking in. We tried everything else to try and help him learn to respect others space etc. but it seems that only the school of hard knocks had any effect. This was precisely what I was trying to avoid.
I wish I had an easy or any answer for you. Sorry if I rambled a bit about my kids. I wanted you to know you are not alone. Most important just keep lovingly setting your own personal space/time limits with your daughter. Do it consistently and verbally let her know that you need "quiet, personal space" etc. and help guide her in feeling positive when she allows that to happen. Feel free to vent here or in a PM to me anytime.
