Grinity, it's hard to use that approach when people comment on her curly hair. For now, I've decided to not dodge the bullet, but catch it in my hand. "Yes, great curls," and move on. DD wants her hair to be straight like mine. As superficial as curly hair may be, it's as much a part of her as her height, skin color, or nose. She stands out because of her hair, and if I really wanted to level the playing field I'd spend my time straightening it (shaving it would call attention to her, too).
Also, I grew up not being able to receive a compliment. If someone said I was a beautiful girl, I'd feel mad and not believe it. That caused its own problems down the line.
Before we had kids I told my husband, "Never tell girls how beautiful the are, or how pretty they look. We have to compliment them on other things." But I've so changed my tune. I only tell my DD "You are such a good girl," when there is nothing going on - I never say that after she has done some thing, so she knows it is an absolute statement, not one conditional on her behavior. But when other people comment on DD's looks, I have decided to not discount what they say. (Nor do I discount the compliments on her language or physical ability.)
So, while I completely agree with what you are saying,
I think we adapted it to our sitation with DD. We reinforce her tenacity, self control and thoughtfulness at home.
