I never got a chance to chime in on Jen's original thread, but since the subject came back up, figured I'd throw this out now.
The recommendation that we got and used very effectively was to establish a reward system for trying. The counselor referenced it as a "Try-Star" chart, where the child gets a star/sticker for attempting something that they may or may not succeed at. The reward is not automatic - it is discretionary by the parents/adults. After a certain number of stickers there is a concrete reward - the counselor recommended the dollar store type gifts, a small Lego set, all wrapped up and ready to hand out the instant the last sticker (say 10) was awarded. I modified it a little to a particular item that my DD had expressed interest in and made the standard 15 stickers, just because the reward we agreed on was a little more valuable.
I would suggest that she go ask the librarian a question - when she came back I'd tell her she could post a sticker when we got home for approaching someone she didn't know and asking a question; one was about a 10 minute period trying to figure out how to get into a circle float in the deep-end of the pool, where she couldn't touch (in this case she was having fun anyway, but didn't accomplish the goal that time - did manage it the next day)- when she got out of the pool for the day, I mentioned that she should put a sticker on her chart for being persistent even though she didn't accomplish her goal.
The point was to reward the trying, not the success - I made it a point to use these stickers on several occasions where she tried, but did not succeed. She often asked me to spell words for her as she wrote; my usual response is 'You try first, then I'll help" which used to lead to a complete meltdown - "I can't do it, I don't know how, this is stupid" thrown pencils and torn up papers. The very first time that she stopped and tried to spell the word herself I immediately told her that I was glad she tried and to add a sticker to her chart. Then I told her how to spell the word correctly. We had to actively seek out a few things that were safe for her to fail at, so we could identify and reward the effort, and for some things there is no real success or failure (see librarian example above) - you either do them or you don't.
We used this process for two full rewards (15 stickers each) which took probably 4-6 weeks each time. There were days she'd get 2 stickers in a day and sometimes a week would go by with no stickers. If she asked if some action would get her a sticker, the answer was always 'No' even if I had intended to give her one before her quesiton, and I reminded her of that when she asked (which was only 3-4 times).
I'm not sure how much is maturity and how much of it is establishing the effort/initiative as a habit with the inconsistent reinforcement, but the sticker chart has kind of fallen by the wayside in the last few months. Now most of the time it is enough to remind her to try first or remind her that she gets more out of things when she pushes her comfort zone and/or make a point once in a while to truly acknowledge when she has done put in a real effort, regardless of success.
We have also interspered this with regular discussions of science experiments where something didn't work as expected, but in some cases the mistake had other benefits. We also talk about Thomas Edison and the light bulb and the comment often attributed to him that each failure was valuable because it showed another way that didn't work. I have not hunted it down yet, but I've also seen referenced here the book "Mistakes that Worked" or something to that effect, that has other similar examples.
I know that academics is a really hard place to find things that many of these children have to try, and harder still to find things that the have to try at and not succeed right away. We worked on other aspects of life and it finally seemed to trickle over into school/academics.
Sending good thoughts your way!
