My husband thinks we should put him in preschool. His argument is, we should encourage him to learn to get along with children his age even if they're different from him and learn to tolerate activities that he is initially not interested in; that it is probably the most important lesson to learn in school at this age. Also, it's not like he is going to be with his intellectual peers in kindergarten anyway; afterall, in kindergarten they are covering materials that he had mastered before he even turned two. Of course I agree with him, but I'm not convinced it's the best thing for my son. I feel really ambivalent.
Hi Junior,
this is a sticky one, isn't it? You didn't mention how long a day or how frequently these situations meet.
I like the idea of teaching your child to try new things and get along with agemates, but that's a long term goal, not a quick fix type of thing. Invite DS to chaperone a 2 hour playdate with DS and 2 ND agemates. My hunch is that he will come to see that the best way to reach a goal, is to break it down into small steps, and allow the child to be successful in step after step.
Even though I agree that this is one good goal, there are other goal, which, in my opinion, are more important at age 4. The first goal is to spend time doing healthy activities that one enjoys. For your son this will mean learning at his readiness level. Another is to spend time with people you enjoy. For your son this may mean adults, teens, or some of the brightest kids in the kindy class. Sure, most kindy kids won't be a better match, but a few will be. Luck certainly plays a role here.
My son is extroverted and inflexible, and we had him in daycare out of nescessity. I didn't even know he was "different" or to ask for placement with the older kids. My son did develop behavior problems in 1st and 2nd grade at school, and K at the daycare. We didn't have a clue what what going on. It took years to sort out. Even after we had the IQ scores, none of us locally understood in any deep way how that might affect the situation.
Flash forward to age 11. DS is still extroverted and fairly inflexible. He is very sweet and sunny when things are going his way, and he feels respected. It's taken a long, long time to unweave the damage that occured without anyone intending it. But, breaking the various goals up into small, winable steps has been the only way to do it.
Inflexible, introverted kids remind me of the joke about "how do porcupines mate?"
"Very carefully."
I would encourage you to identify all of you and your husband's goals, and break them up into small, winable steps to get there "very carefully."
Also take a look, in your journal, or with a friend, at who in you and your DH's family was "like that" and what happened to them, and what jealousies or judgements were aroused in you or others at the time.
Bottom line - learning to enjoy other agemates by throwing him in preschool makes about as much sence as teaching him to swim by throwing him in the water. It works well for many, but many pay a high price, eh? You may get to that point at some point, but your aren't there yet.
Also remember that in the U.S. introversion isn't the prefered way. Yet your son didn't choose his temperment, it came with the package. If you and DH can stand behind your child and appreciate him for who he is, I think you will be glad you did.
HTH,
Trinity
