I'm in the (long) process of coming to terms with there being no text-book behaviour system that will work for us, much as I would love there to be. Various things work to various degrees at different times. I've reflected on all the adults/children I know, and all seem to have been raised on different systems - discussion and understanding, spanking, locked in room, rewards, loss of priveledges etc - but it does seem that most manage to turn out as nice well-rounded ordinary people regardless. So I'm leaning towards the idea that this is all, in a way, rather similar to baby issues like sleep deprivation and vomit-covered clothes - I do what I can to limit it, but also regularly chant to myself "it will pass with time, it will pass with time".
Reward systems have never worked for us. DS6 will get excited about them for perhaps a day or two before the novelty wears off. DS5 immediately spots them for what they are - an attempt to control his behaviour - and generally is even less cooperative than before as a matter of principal. Threats of teddy removal are the only thing that works on him. DS6 is most responsive to possible loss of play dates, but discussions about ethical behaviour and how people feel can work too.
Re Lego in particular, one of the many wonderful things about it is that the small pieces are so easy to vacuum. The boys are, of course, free to search through the vacuum cleaner contents on the compost heap if they want to get them back.
I have a friend who is sometime quite shocked by the behaviour of my children. I asked her about her own strategy and this is it: "you'd better stop that - you don't want to get into trouble do you?". And they don't so they stop. Can you imagine???!!!
