Hi
I have been told I fit the 2e, silent genius profile. With the "genius" being my "nature" and "silent" being my traumatised "nurture". My life long traumas being: Temporal lobe epilepsy, CEN, Arrested Development, Brain cancer and CPTSD.
The temporal lobe epilepsy was caused by a prolonged febrile convulsion at 18 months of age, causing brain death to right temporal lobe and right hippocampal atrophy.
Epilepsy was completely cured with a temporal lobectomy when I was 20. The permanent hippocampal/temporal lobe damage left me with reduced short term, working memory.
My parents didn't understand the effects of the epilepsy when I was so young so I ended up with CEN and Arrested Development.
I did a school IQ assessment in the early 1980s when I was a preteen, I scored in the high 130s. I seem to be a pattern recogniser. I see the fractal concept all around me.
The brain cancer appeared when I was 39. It had been growing for 10 to 15 years. It was an Anaplastic Oligodendroglioma Grade3 tumour, the size of a plum, in the left frontal-parietal lobes mainly effecting the Broca's speech area. Expressive aphasia, milder version of what Bruce Willis has. I can have heaps to say but it just wont come out.
The CPTSD is the overall effect of everything I have been through.
A computing analogy is that I have really good processing power, but my memory is corrupted and my comms are intermittent.
Before I turned 50, I was able to compartmentalise all my traumas and disappointments and go through life thinking "I will get back on track to a normal life soon". It was then that I realised I had run out of time, my life was pretty much over (genuine midlife crisis?).
Now, 2 years later, I feel like I have been through an extended Dark night of the soul. That I am probably undergoing ego death, individuation, integration etc. Feeling like I am sick of going through my public life like I have one hand tied behind my back. Everyone thinking my invisible disability, is just me being lazy and uncommunicative. I would love to retire now but I have over ten years to go.
I have been told I am at a stage in life where I need to stabilize and conserve.
That I need to consider the question:
“How do I reduce load without detonating the life structures I have built, that keep me safe?”
Plus I am on a journey to refind my 'tribe' The old ones nolonger fit. Too much trauma/memory issues to fully fit in the intellectual/academic tribe. And I find the nonintellectual (people who want simple answers to complex problems) tribe to be too limiting and closed off.
Thanx
