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Not so much BTDT as "am there, beating my head against the wall". Working on some similar issues with DS14, grade 9, extremely inattentive ADHD plus writing disabilities (not dysgraphia, more like expressive language). Unbelievably slow in doing, well, anything. Issues has been obvious for a long time, but only formally diagnosed last spring. We are experimenting with medication, to unclear success so far.
So we haven't solved this one, by any means. Still, my first advice is, don't go for sink-or-swim. If he could learn to swim by himself, by definition he wouldn't have ADHD. It's not that the way he is, is the way he must always be. He can learn some skills, improve his executive function. Perhaps more importantly, he can figure out his weaknesses and develop his work-arounds and compensation mechanisms and support systems. But all this takes time, a LOT of it. And it takes direct, explicit teaching and an insane amount of repetition and practice.
I find what I am always reminding myself is that so much that is absolutely obvious, absolutely basic, plain common sense is utterly mysterious to this kid. You have to spell it out. Repeatedly. No matter how simplistic it seems. No matter how gifted they are. Think of them as missing the parts of their brain where they get this stuff. You have to strap on structure from the outside, because they just don't have it within.
Our big goal this year is to have him not working constantly on unfinished schoolwork (especially since its all in his weak areas - writing - and has stopped him from pursuing his passion areas - math, physics - for lack of time). His psych and his teacher of the last two years have both urged us to see reducing the homework time as a top priority. I couldn't agree more, but it's not easy. From the sound of it, your son is already working really, really hard - but it's not doing the job. So how do you figure out what kind of working different he needs?
One big help for me is to let go of the idea of the standard pathway. The kid is moving in his own way, at his own speed, and some of that is way faster (though acceleration is verboten around here, alas) and some is much slower. So what does your kid need, in order to be doing well, and living a real life that is rewarding for him? Maybe he does need to dial back on some of the honors classes. But maybe he needs those harder classes (mine really does), just less of them? In our case, DS is doing a reduced courseload this year, so he has both built-in support time, and time during the school day to complete work that he can't get done in class. Maybe he catches up on credits in summer school, maybe not. He may take longer to graduate, and I need to learn to be comfortable with that (I graduated two years early; this is weird for me, but I'm so not him).
We are just starting to figure out what accommodations might look like in high school. But it's clear he desperately needs them. We're also still working on/ ramping up skills-building at home (and he has a learning strategies course at school). He really needs to be explicitly taught this stuff, and it's really hard for him to learn, and it takes a loooooooong time. I guess that's my attempt at the big picture. He can do this - but he can't do it alone, and it ain't gonna be fast nor easy. If it helps, here's some of my favourite resources:
