Outside of that zone, there will be significant differences in thinking speed and depth or span of interests, which likely will lead to impatience, dissatisfaction, frustration, and tension on the part of each participant. Others have found that people who marry each other or become friends are usually within about 12 IQ points of each other (Ruf, 2012). When one is highly or profoundly gifted, the difficulty of finding someone similar increases."
I tested as gifted as a child, but I didn't really feel like I was smart as a kid. I just always thought it was weird that other kids didn't know certain things. I always knew exactly who was smarter than me, and to this day I can name those kids. I knew my husband was the smartest person I'd met the first day I spent with him, but he had never been tested. He was a classic underachiever and got into a competitive college based solely on his perfect test scores. In college he took an IQ test, but it was unofficial (I think it was part of a class somehow) and he reached the threshold, or whatever the word is for the maximum score - I guess it's more complicated than that? Afterwards someone approached him about formal testing but around that time he dropped out of school. So I can't give you numbers, but I can say with certainty my husband's IQ is more than 20+ above mine. We both have ADHD as well.
With that in mind, one of our biggest obstacles is that when we disagree I can't keep up with him. It's truly exhausting. He is also emotionally intense (which I just learned because of my daughter is an actual "thing") so when he is upset or feels deeply about something he just can't slow down. Often by the time I think of a response to something he said a second ago he's on to the next thing. Sometimes it even feels manipulative on his part, even though I'm starting to learn it's not intentional, because it seems like he's changing the subject when he's really thinking so far ahead. I've noticed it helps a lot when we need to "argue" something out if we are texting. I know that seems sketchy, but it forces him to slow down and it requires us both to think carefully about word choice. We also both have to ask sometimes, "Did you mean it this way?" Instead of assuming a particular tone is attached.
As far as other aspects of our relationship, I think we challenge each other. In some ways I am a more flexible thinker than he is, so we collaborate well because I can sort of bend an idea a certain way, but then he can run much further with it than I ever could, and analyze it with greater depth, if that makes any sense. Practically, it's fun when I want to create an elaborate built in bed with bookshelves in DD room - I can take my husband my plans and in about 10 seconds he can point out the engineering flaws, determine how much wood we'll need, and calculate how much it will cost.
