First - thank you everyone for your responses. I really helps to have different perspectives and just talk it out.
I haven't figured out how to select a quote and respond so I'll just put names and comments below.
Can2k - thanks for your reply - yes, you can't just physically make them go anymore (he's bigger than I am) and yes, I agree, I don't want to get him into the habit of avoiding anything that's difficult. It's a hard balance.
We talk a lot at home about how sometimes things are difficult and we need to learn how to cope.
DS is refusing counselling even though I explain it as just help over a bump and the fact that we all need help sometime.
I did go and speak to a counselor who had some good advice. He explained that sometimes these kids need a down day to recharge. Feelings build until they are too tired to cope. I talked about it with his teacher and she agreed to allow an occasional recharging day. The counselor also suggested; more exercise, more sleep, less screen time. We've put some of that into place.
I really wish he would go. I think it would help.
bluemagic - That is exactly what DS is doing. He comes home and doesn't want to "have" to do anything else. Just dealing with the emotions is enough. Unfortunately when you withdraw from everything else social it doesn't give you any balance with the hard to deal with school issues. It is very tempting to pull him out. It is starting to feel like that is the best solution.
Loy58 - I agree that counseling will only work if they want to cooperate. I was making him go and was starting to get that kind of response. A lot more negative outbursts. I went to a talk on anxiety and teens and the presenter had a great point. He said, what do you do when you're facing a growling dog. You get really calm and back away and talk softly because they are likely not feeling safe/are feeling threatened. That is probably how she (in your case) and he in mine is/was feeling.
I'm sorry your school isn't cooperating more. Perhaps if she shows more distress or misses more school they'll be more interested in adapting the program for her. That is what caught the attention of my DS's teacher.
ConnectingDots - thank you for that. I was wondering the same. People say, what about his socialization? What if you can avoid the angry, nasty confused stage and rejoin when people are more mature? I'm not sure how well I'd do if someone dropped me back into my grade 6/7/8 years.
Puffin - In our case it's quite flexible - Distributed Learning that is. You can go full time and in high school you can do select courses via DL if you want and mix it with in school classes.
