No matter why the behavior is happening, if it's socially undesirable, the person has to learn to not do that, or at least to choose very carefully when to do it because there are negative consequences for doing it.
This is fundamentally a *teaching* process (not punishment). It involves helping them see what is expected of them and to do that.
Dee Dee,
I totally agree with you, that regardless of the source of the behavior the discipline has to be directed at teaching a corrected behavior. But - for DS8 (Happy Birthday today to my little man), we really do need to understand the source.
If it's volitional, discussion of bad "choices" and alternatives, and tailoring natural consequences are reasonable and helpful.
If it 2e-driven and NOT volitional, discussion of "choices" and "consequences" drives DS into a state of wild anxiety. In these instances, he did NOT make a bad choice, and no natural consequence will change the behavior.
To take it to a base level - a baby doesn't make a choice to poop in his diapers, and you can't "natural consequence" him into stopping it. You have to support him (with diapers) until he has the capacity to learn to use a toilet.
Likewise for DS - he didn't "choose" to act out when he got overwhelmed, frustrated, whatever rose out of his 2e challenges. Any discipline that assumes he did is doomed to fail.
DS's teacher got a glimpse of this the other day. She sent me an email saying she wanted DS to help put together a good consequence. He suggested something very extreme - really an unconnected punishment. She said "but the consequence is to help you stop behavior." She said he looked totally shocked at the idea and said - "but it can't. I didn't mean to do it." The teacher was sincerely baffled. But honestly, I think she still thinks he's making "bad choices."
What do I do when it's not volitional? That's tough and situation dependent. It can't just wait-and-support, since he may not ever develop a full capacity for self control. But one thing I do always emphasize for him is that it's hard work growing up, and I'm there to help. I point out that math is easy for him, but harder for some kids. Controlling behavior is easy for some kids, but harder for him. They both have to work hard to learn.
Also, I give him hope that it will keep getting easier as he grows. It has been getting easier bit by bit, and I point out changes and improvements. But this all makes him feel really awful and lonely. The whole unconditional love thing keeps him going, I think.
So anyway, this is a longer than necessary post to say that - for us - discipline is hopeless if it doesn't derive from an understanding of the source of the behavior.
