All of the above. One of the trickiest parts of this is that it might as well be a case of the blind leading the blind.
Well, yes. Apples, trees. If the kid had organized parents, he would probably be an organizing type. We are the same-- we organize what we must and many things slide.
However, you have learned some coping skills over the years that put you ahead of him regardless of the genetic inheritance. In a given situation (especially when you are about to do something for him) I like to ask myself-- what would it be useful for him to learn here? And then figure out and teach that useful thing.
It is increasingly important to my sanity that all family members be responsible for their own deals. We must all grow up. Even if it is gradual.
I would try not to dwell on the long term future (and its possible specters). Rather, I like a 3-5 year planning horizon.
This made me LOL. I think (hope?) that I am not quite as catastrophic a thinker as I appear to be when I write.
I was joking. Because most of us parents of kids like your DS have that precise image in their heads.
But I'm also serious about the time horizon. This stuff gets done if you work on it. Truly.
I will say this: there is no doubt that much of my panicky thinking is driven by my eldest son's situation (mental illness). And *he* was quite an exceptional student all the way through high school, who required no support at home--self-motivated and driven. Clearly, this is something that needs to be worked on with my own therapist.
I am so glad you have therapeutic help in place, because this level of worry and care does wear a parent down. Good for you.
Here is the pickle: my gut feeling is that if DS could just get a handle on the social behaviors, the rest of it would not be so difficult. For one, I think the teachers expect gifted students to be a bit flaky, organizationally. Secondly, I think they would be more tolerant and supportive of the EF stuff if they liked him. That was certainly the case in elementary school. The reason I say it's a pickle is because the most off-putting behaviors seem to only occur in the context of the classroom, when he is with his peers. Of course, I do correct him at home when he is blunt and insensitive--but it doesn't happen as often here, and I am far less likely to take offense. Not sure how to help him generalize "perspective taking."
I do a lot of explaining. "When you say X, I think Y, and I get upset. If you would please say it this way, I wouldn't get my feelings hurt." "When you said X, it made teacher Q angry because she thought B...."
Over time, this does seem to take. He doesn't have the x-ray vision, but he can learn through instruction and practice, with debriefing as needed.
I think it's not a pickle-- it's just that you have now set a priority for what to work on first. All good.
A lot of our home life involves my doing everything, just because there is so much to do and I don't have time to do it right. A DS "freakout" is nearly always withdrawal and avoidance. He doesn't melt down often--he goes internal, scowls, and ignores.
I would treat that the same way as an externalizing freakout, though. Scowling/ignoring/rudeness is disallowed (because disrespectful). You are allowed to feel however you feel on the inside, but on the outside, you have to respect the person who is giving the instructions and follow them (if the person is in a role that demands it-- parent, teacher-- or if safety or morals are at stake).
We are fairly insistent parents, of the "fake it till you make it" school. You do not have to enjoy cleaning your room, but you have to do it when asked, without overt disrespect... over time, as the skill is mastered and becomes less of a big deal, the disrespect goes away anyhow.
