I refuse to believe that my son has ODD or is a behavior problem by choice. No reward chart or point system has done anything to modify his behavior. He just can't seem to stop himself from reacting before thinking. He grabs what others are holding, but he gives it right back when reminded that we don't grab. He pushes if someone else is where he wants to be. He lashes out when he is upset. He always apologizes after and says he didn't mean to do it, his brain forgot to think first. He sometimes gets angry at himself for not being able to earn the things he wants because he keeps making bad choices when he is trying to make good choices.
PAS, I know it's been recommended already and you've said you should get it, but you really need
The Explosive Child. You can see its philosophy in a nutshell at
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/ (one page pdf
summary here). Check it out of the library or buy it, but I think you are coming around to exactly the intervention strategy it suggests.
You might also enjoy
Optimistic Parenting, which might provide a bit of a counterweight to all the decidedly pessimistic messages you are getting from IU and elsewhere.
